Oh, There You Are, Ruby!

Ruby: Where have you been?

Ginger: Why do you always assume there’s an answer to that question that will result in your curiosity concluding happily?

Ruby: I don’t know. But I always feel compelled to ask.

Ginger: What was your first guess?

Ruby: In order? You were trapped in a Netflix binge watch. You slipped and fell into a wormhole. You went on a spontaneous vacation. You were captured by pirates. You were abducted by aliens. You gave yourself food poisoning and couldn’t move from the floor. Your pizza delivery man proposed to you and you decided you had to go into the Witness Protection Program to avoid him. You were recruited for a secret mission in uncharted space. You were discovered singing in a karaoke bar and signed on the spot to join a new band. You succeeded in luring Nathan Fillion to your home long enough to watch Firefly with him and then the two of you continued talking about it and forgot to come up for air. You gave up, quit your job and moved to a chicken farm in Tennessee. You got the nerve to publish that novel you’ve been writing for the past five years and got caught up in the whirlwind of publishing contracts. You decided to do the Road Trip to Forget on your own and never looked back. You discovered the secret to time travel, went too far into the future and saw the destruction of man and couldn’t return for fear you would never be believed. You gave up contacting me for Lent. Starbucks offered to just let you sleep in the back room so you’d stop scaring the public in your under-caffeinated state of confusion. You were chased by a rogue ladybug into a stranger’s van. You fell into the Upside-Down. You were shrunk by a mad scientist’s shrink ray and living in my kitchen the whole time. You joined a circus so you could get a free ride to the Grand Canyon.

Ginger: …this is probably why Fly says I’m a bad influence on you.

Ruby: Probably. So? Which one was it?

Ginger: …one of those. I think. There were a lot and I lost track somewhere around pirates…

Ruby: But you’re back now?

Ginger: …so far. Can we get some dinner?

Ruby: Yes. What would you like?

Ginger: Anything, really. Except pizza.

Ginger Blaze, You Have Failed This Binge-Watch.

Ginger: A-ha!

Fly: We should really tell her that’s not the same as ringing a doorbell.

Ruby: It’s more like a customized ringtone. We always know who’s there.

Fly: True.

Ginger: I said “A-ha!”

Ruby: Ginger, what a lovely surprise. Won’t you come in and have some breakfast with us?

Fly: Don’t let her eat all the bacon again.

Ginger: There’s bacon?

Ruby: …Ginger, why is there a band-aid on your forehead?

Ginger: I told the arrow to go forward, but it didn’t want to listen and then the bow attacked me, as well. I’m so done with that  hobby.

Fly: And you were worried about introducing her to the Hunger Games series. I can’t imagine why.

Ginger: Oh, I still haven’t started that one yet.

Ruby: I forgot to warn Fly. Sorry. Fly, Ginger’s brothers told her to watch Arrow.

Fly: Were they concerned she wasn’t enough of a nerd? Or were they planning on splitting her life insurance policy when…this…happened?

Ginger: I think they just wanted me to re-write some of the script for them. There are a lot of opportunities in the show.

Ruby: So, where did you get the bow and arrow?

Ginger: Nerf sells them.

Fly: …you did that to yourself with a foam arrow?

Ruby: She has talent.

Ginger: I took archery in junior high. I was terrible. I thought I should start…softer…this time.

Ruby: Where is the set now?

Fly: We’re not taking it away from you…we’re just…

Ruby: Taking it away from you. For your own safety.

Ginger: I gave it back to my niece. But only after she stopped laughing at me.

Ruby: Well…that’s what family is for. Comfort in times of humiliating pain.

Fly: So, out of morbid curiosity, why did you announce your presence with “A-ha”?

Ginger: Because I found Ruby. We have to finish!

Fly: Finish what?

Ruby: I forgot to warn you. When Ginger told me what show her brothers insist she should watch next, I made the insane declaration she could not watch it alone.

Ginger: She’s psychic.

Fly: She knew you’d try to become a crime-fighting vigilante with a bow and arrow?

Ginger: YES.

Fly: …yes. She’s psychic.

Ruby: Anyway, I assumed – obviously incorrectly – that if I was present for every episode she watches, it would slow down the binge and possibly delay the attempt to become a crime-fighting vigilante with a bow and arrow and injure herself in the meantime.

Fly: So…your psychic powers have failed this time.

Ruby: Not entirely. Just…neglected to include the possibility Ginger’s niece is a budding archer.

Ginger: So, A-ha! I found you here! Let’s watch the next episode!

Ruby: …but…there’s bacon.

Fly: Not anymore.

Ginger: There’s no escaping this!

Ruby: Fly, you have failed this rescue.

Revenge Can Be Funny

Ginger: Ruby, is that you?

Ruby: Yes, Ginger.

Ginger: Please don’t do that to me again.

Ruby: It was kind of funny…

Ginger: I spent two hours asking a stop sign to stop giving me the silent treatment.

Ruby: Which was funny, even though it was three minutes, not two hours.

Ginger: I’m mostly blind right now. I can’t check my watch.

Ruby: You don’t wear a watch. And you use hyperbole like that all the time.

Ginger: Only when it’s required. Which is all the time.

Ruby: Which is why I leave you by stop signs for a few minutes.

Ginger: This is not what friends do when one friend is recently blinded by an eye doctor.

Ruby: The last time I asked you to help me get home after an eye doctor appointment,  you took me to a horror movie because you knew I didn’t want to see it and you couldn’t see it alone.

Ginger: …I have to say, I never thought you’d retaliate.

Ruby: Even though I vowed vengeance during what I assumed was the end credits?

Ginger: Yeah. I thought you’d forget once the eye dilation wore off.

Ruby: …it really has been a long time since you went to the eye doctor, hasn’t it?

Ginger: That’s what the eye doctor kept saying.

Ruby: How are your eyes doing? Still dilated?

Ginger: Depends…are you planning on leaving me by another stop sign?

Ruby: Nope. Not at all.

Ginger: …your poker-voice needs work.

Stop Sign: …

 

Words Are Fluid

Ruby: Ginger, you look confused. Or under-caffeinated.

Ginger: I can always go for coffee.

Ruby: Are you also confused?

Ginger: A little.

Ruby: What has confused you?

Ginger: I always thought I knew what adages were.

Ruby: Proverbs, adages and old sayings passed down from generations – you’re not a stranger.

Ginger: I know what they are. I know their words and their meanings.

Ruby: Are you challenging me to quiz you?

Ginger: Not really…I’m asking you to confirm what I believe to be a truth.

Ruby: Okay?

Ginger: I received an email from a coworker today that concluded with “Patience is a virtual LOL.”

Ruby: …wow.

Ginger: I just need to confirm that it wasn’t correct.

Ruby: It’s not the…traditional saying…

Ginger: I couldn’t bring myself to correct it.

Ruby: Well, it could be deep if you don’t try to correct it.

Ginger: …true…

Ruby: I mean, Ginger, they do say a broken clock is frightened twice a day.

Ginger: Well, yeah, but…what did you say?

Ruby: It’s fine, Ginger. You don’t need to correct it. It’s not entirely wrong.

Ginger: Except that it is entirely wrong!

Ruby: Are you sure?

Ginger: Yes!

Ruby: You need to let it go. It’s just water under the grids.

Ginger: …please don’t do that to me.

Ruby: Do what?

Ginger: Don’t start making adjustments to sayings that have worked for generations.

Ruby: Why not? Language is fluid. It changes constantly, with each new generation, words’ meanings shift ever so slightly.

Ginger: Well, we need to nip that in the butt.

Ruby: …bud.

Ginger: Wait, you can alter the words, but I can’t?

Ruby: It’s more fun when I aggravate you.

Ginger: You don’t need to tell me. You’re just singing to the preacher.

Ruby: That’s not even—

Ginger: And we both know a bird in the hand usually has a gang in the bushes waiting to steal your wallet.

Ruby: Now you’re just trying to be obnoxious.

Ginger: And you’re just being a pot calling a kettle and asking it to black out the neighborhood so you three can have an excuse to light candles.

Ruby: You have so many issues.

Ginger: Just remember you started this.

Ruby: …let’s just get you coffee.

Ginger: YAY!

Ruby: …that was your plan all along, wasn’t it?

Ginger: Only when you didn’t side with me.

Ruby: Lesson learned.

Guilt-Ridden Tacos Are Consistent

Ruby: Ginger, you need to be more careful.

Ginger: What? Careful about what, exactly?

Ruby: You need to be more consistent.

Ginger: Consistent? In what manner?

Ruby: Well, at first, you could come over at any time without facing consequences. But…I’m a married woman now and that means my husband is here, too.

Ginger: I have met Fly, Ruby. I’m aware you married him. I was there.

Ruby: Yes. But when you come over without warning, if I’m not home, maybe Fly is.

Ginger: Is this about when I came over last week and you weren’t home and I caught Fly on the couch?

Ruby: Okay, for the eighth time, when you say it like that, it makes it sound weird. He was just coloring in my coloring book.

Ginger: If it’s not weird, why have you brought it up seven other times?

Ruby: I’m not bringing it up because of that! I’m saying my husband isn’t used to an additional woman showing up without warning at her leisure!

Ginger: But I brought dinner.

Ruby: Yes. You did. But we were getting ready to go out to dinner. We have reservations.

Ginger: …romantic reservations?

Ruby: Well, yeah…

Ginger: So, when you said “see you later,” you didn’t mean tonight.

Ruby: Yes.

Ginger : And when I said “Cool, I’ll bring tacos,” you thought I meant at a vague distant time.

Ruby: This is true.

Ginger: And when you said “Sounds good,” you didn’t mean “wow, awesome, I don’t have to cook tonight.”

Ruby: …well, yes…

Ginger: And so when I said “great, usual order,” you thought I meant I had forgotten what we were talking about.

Ruby: …I think you’re trying to turn this around so I’m to blame.

Ginger: Or I’m really a deviant schemer who knew what you meant the entire time, but realized I was going to have to watch TV alone tonight if I allowed you to have a life without me at this delicate time for me…since the loss.

Ruby: …put the tacos on the counter. I’ll get plates down.

Fly: Okay, I am out of the shower, so if you want, you can shower before we…what’s going on?

Ruby: We’re eating tacos with Ginger or else we will get another guilt trip about how Princess Leia leaving too soon again.

Fly: Oh, good.

Ruby: Good?

Fly: I didn’t remember to make reservations today. Tacos sound good though!

Ginger: Hi Fly! I got the guacamole, per your text…

Ruby: I feel…mildly betrayed.

Fly: But you like guacamole…

If We Went to the Zoo More Often, I’d Have Fewer Wedding Invitations

Ginger: Hey, Ruby, do you know what would be super fun?

Ruby: We’re not stopping at the zoo, Ginger. We have errands to run.

Ginger: But, what if we could accomplish some errands at the zoo?

Ruby: I doubt the elephants can renew your license.

Ginger: Have you asked?

Ruby: I have. They said they used to, but the zebras got all jealous because they only handle parking tickets.

Ginger: The zebras don’t handle parking tickets.

Ruby: Not anymore.

Ginger: Are you trying to distract me so I don’t continue to pester you about going to the zoo?

Ruby: No. Not at all. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Ginger: …you’re not as subtle as you hope to be.

Ruby: No, but I am successful in my efforts.

Ginger: There are more opportunities to avoid being an adult! I have so many possible distractions!

Ruby: We’re not going to the movies. You still need to renew your driver’s license. And I have to get groceries.

Ginger: But being a responsible adult is boring!

Ruby: Well, it doesn’t have to be…

Ginger: No, but every time I suggest a new way to make it less boring, you tell me it’s not okay to react like that or something.

Ruby: Ginger, you spent forty-five minutes giving make-up tips to the bank teller. And forgot to make the deposit you went into the bank to complete in the first place.

Ginger: We went back…

Ruby: Where you spent another hour discussing Stranger Things and Supernatural with the bank manager while waiting to see the bank teller’s first attempt to correct her make-up.

Ginger: So, you’re saying that in order to be a responsible adult, I can’t engage in conversation with the people who are clearly bored in their own daily tasks?

Ruby: You can engage, but you always seem to find a way to take it beyond just engaging…

Ginger: It’s just common conversation etiquette. ‘Hi, how are you? My, what a lovely shade of eyeshadow you’re wearing.’

Ruby: Yes, but then you take it further…

Ginger: Suggesting she treat her eyes like sunsets instead of spotlights? It helped, though…we all agreed.

Ruby: …okay, yes, that’s true, she looked much better, but—

Ginger: Plus, she got into the bank manager training program now that the branch manager took her more seriously.

Ruby: Okay, true, but…wait…

Ginger: I stop in once a week now to see how she’s doing. Her boyfriend proposed to her last week. They’re thinking August wedding, so I have to make sure I’m in town that weekend.

Ruby: This is part of that whole “taking it beyond just engaging” thing I just mentioned.

Ginger: Well, where does it end? If you don’t talk to people like they’re people, then you just have people treating one another like automatons and stepping on each other to get to the next task.

Ruby: Okay, here’s the deal. Today, just go in and say you’re here to renew your license.

Ginger: But I never drive!

Ruby: You never know when you’ll need to drive. So just go in and say you’re here to renew your license.

Ginger: Aren’t you coming in with me?

Ruby: No, I have to go get groceries. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Try to avoid getting invited to more weddings of strangers.

Ginger: No promises.

Sleeping People Do Not Have Coffee

Ruby: Ginger, wake up.

Ginger: Mmf.

Ruby: Ginger, wake up – I’m serious. I’m not driving you to the mall if you’re going to sleep in the car.

Ginger: I can’t be sleeping. Sleeping people do not have coffee. I have coffee.

Ruby: I think you’re talking in your sleep.

Ginger: I love my coffee. It makes me warm and awake and the blue rhinoceros fit into a folder.

Ruby: …yeah, you’re talking in your sleep.

Ginger: That’s no way to talk to a pineapple.

Ruby: I’m not driving to the mall unless you wake up, GINGER!

Ginger: Hmff? What? Are we there?

Ruby: You have to be awake if you want me to drive us to the mall.

Ginger: I’m not sleeping. I have coffee. I told you this.

Ruby: Where is your coffee?

Ginger: …um…I think I left it on the kitchen counter. Can we stop for some?

Ruby: Will you stay awake?

Ginger: I’ve been nearly awake practically this whole time without a few minutes in between.

Ruby: You’re hopeless.

Ginger: If I have coffee, I can be awake. Look – there’s a store! They must have coffee…

Ruby: That’s a cell phone store. I don’t think they have coffee.

Ginger: You’d be surprised.

Ruby: I’m not stopping at a cell phone store for a cup of coffee. You’re going to have to find a store that sells coffee.

Ginger: …there’s one at the mall…? And we’re already pointed in that direction…so…

Ruby: So…you owe me a side trip to the yarn store, you’re buying me coffee and you cannot complain the next time I make you watch Doctor Who.

Ginger: …what if I just stay awake until we get to the mall?

Ruby: You failed that task three times already.

Ginger: In that case, I accept your proposal.

Ruby: Good.

Ginger: …can I go back to sleep now?

Ruby: Only if you want to buy me presents at the mall, in addition to the already agreed-upon conditions.

Ginger: You won’t let me play Christmas music to stay awake! I’m trying to get into the Christmas spirit so I can focus on buying Christmas presents for my family!

Ruby: Carry On My Wayward Son is NOT Christmas music!

Ginger: …it’s not?

Ruby: No!

Ginger: …I knew my brother was lying to me…

Ruby: Look, you just have to stay awake for ten more minutes. Can you do that?

Ginger: Let’s play a game! That will help me stay awake!

Ruby: Okay, fine, we can do that.

Ginger: We can play Guess Who!

Ruby: NO. I’m not your sister.

Ginger: Celebrity Guess Who. You guess who I’m thinking of! It’s a celebrity!

Ruby: Nathan Fillion.

Ginger: …you’re good. Okay, I have another one, and this one is gonna be tough.

Ruby: Jensen Ackles.

Ginger: …okay, two points for you. I think this third one is—

Ruby: Christian Kane.

Ginger: Okay, how are you doing that?

Ruby: Ginger?

Ginger: Yes?

Ruby: Just go back to sleep.

Ginger: No – I have one more! And—

Ruby: Chris Evans.

Ginger: I’m going back to sleep. Mind-reader.

Ruby: Summer Glau.

Ginger: Dang it! I thought I had you there…

Ruby: You didn’t.