Shameless Plug

Ruby: Ginger…what are you doing?

Ginger: I’m making a Christmas present for my sister-in-law. What does it look like I’m doing?

Ruby: It looks like you’re hot-gluing fake white feathery wings to the back of a Captain America figurine.

Ginger: She needs a new Christmas tree topper.

Ruby: Isn’t she sort of scared of Captain America?

Ginger: It’s not my fault she thinks he’s stalking her.

Ruby: Actually, it is your fault. Almost entirely.

Ginger: How?

Ruby: You put a life-sized cardboard cut out of Captain America in front of any door to a room she was in, so that when she opened the door, there was the Cap.

Ginger: Why did she need to close the door so much? I mean, what exactly is she doing that she needs that much privacy?

Ruby: …using the bathroom or getting dressed, if I heard correctly. From her. So, I heard it correctly.

Ginger: Huh. Well, then it’s up to me to show her that he’s not something to be scared of…see? He’s angelic!

Ruby: You bought her Captain America pajamas, slippers and fleece blanket, too…didn’t you?

Ginger: I think it’ll work this year.

Ruby: Right. So, Ginger, out of curiosity…what do you want for Christmas? And don’t redirect me to your Amazon wish list…

Ginger: Fine. I won’t. I would like, instead, a copy of this new children’s book – called The Elephant Who Believes in Santa Claus, by V. Kaci Sehr. You can order it from www.islandofmaloo.com. She wrote it and illustrated it and I think it’s going to be a Christmas classic, if I do say so myself.

Ruby: Oddly specific of you…wait, don’t you know the author?

Ginger: Yeah…she and I were really close for a long time…it’s like we were the same person or I live inside her head or she lives inside my head or something…you’ve met her.

Ruby: Oh yeah…she seemed nice.

Ginger: So will you buy the book?

Ruby: Do I have a choice?

Ginger: Angelic Captain America says no. Not really.

Ruby: …I’m starting to side with your sister-in-law on the whole scare factor.

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It’s Hyphenated

Barista: Tiffaniii? Your coffee is ready!

Ginger: Do you know what I noticed?

Ruby: That you can’t go without coffee for more than two hours?

Ginger: No, that’s what YOU noticed. Do you know what I noticed?

Tiffany: Is this one mine?

Barista: Do you spell your name with four I’s?

Tiffany: No, just one…

Barista: Then, no…sorry…

Ginger: I’ve noticed that names are no longer reliably common.

Ruby: Reliably common?

Ginger: Yeah. Remember thinking common names were names like Bob, Sue, Joe, Mary…

Ruby: Tom, Dick and Harry…Sally…

Barista: Valoria? Your coffee’s ready!

Ruby: Okay, I see your point. But not everyone wants a traditional name and every year has a trending name.

Ginger: I know. I spend a LOT of time on baby name sites.

Ruby: …you do? Why, exactly? I mean, I know why I’ve been on baby name sites…

Ginger: I’m writing a novel.

Barista: Sigh-oh-baan? Coffee’s ready!

Siobhan: It’s pronounced “Shuh-vohn.”

Barista: Okay, I’ll get it right next time.

Ginger: Wait…why are YOU on baby name sites?

Ruby: I have a…growing…reason to be on baby name sites.

Ginger: You’re writing a novel, too?

Ruby: Seriously? You haven’t noticed ANYTHING different about me lately?

Ginger: …um…your hair looks different. Did you switch shampoos?

Barista: TallulahFrances? Your coffee’s up!

Ruby: Ginger…think about it.. I cut alcohol and caffeine out of my diet, I’ve been gaining weight and buying new clothes…last week, I made you help me fold teeny tiny clothes…remember?

Ginger: People make weird diet choices all the time. I don’t talk about other people’s weight. And I remember folding clothes, but my attention was more on the movie we were watching.

Ruby: …we weren’t watching a movie. I was telling you about a baby shower I attended.

Ginger: I have an active imagination.

Barista: Bavmorda, Queen of the Nine Realms?

Ginger: Ooh! My coffee’s ready!

Ruby: Wait, what?

Barista: Good to see you again, your highness…

Ginger: Did you remember the sprinkles this time?

Barista: Of course.

Ginger: Thanks, Mikey!

Ruby: “Bavmorda, Queen of the Nine Realms?”

Ginger: He adds the number of realms over which I reign, but I felt boring with a name like mine in this crowd…

Ruby: So you went with Bavmorda?

Ginger: She has a cool sounding name.

Ruby: She’s the evil queen from Willow.

Ginger: …so?

Ruby: You have the oddest habits.

Ginger: So do you. I still don’t know why you’re spending so much time on baby name sites.

Ruby: Because I’m PREGNANT, Ginger.

Ginger: While I hold this cup, you may call me by my coffee-name.

Ruby: Did you hear what I said?

Ginger: You’re having a baby and worrying about something you don’t have any control over…

Ruby: What do you mean?

Ginger: You know it doesn’t matter what you name your baby, I’ve already decided what I’ll call the little one.

Ruby: What?

Ginger: I’ll let it be a surprise.

Ruby: Should I be worried?

Ginger: Of course not.

Ruby: I feel a little worried…

Ginger: Ruby?

Ruby: Yes, Bavmorda, Queen of the Nine Realms?

Ginger: Congratulations, Mom.

Dream On, Little Ones

Ginger: Ruby?

Ruby: Yes, Ginger?

Ginger: I think we lost the path.

Ruby: …we’re sitting on the couch, Ginger.

Ginger: That’s not what I meant.

Ruby: With you, it’s not always obvious.

Ginger: Fair.

Ruby: So, what did you mean?

Ginger: Walt Disney was very dream-oriented.

Ruby: …we’re watching a documentary on pasta. How did you get to Walt Disney?

Ginger: Your question holds the answer.

Ruby: I thought you wanted to watch this!

Ginger: Moving on. Walt Disney was all about dreams. Think about it- from Pinocchio through Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, there’s a heavy play on dreams and wishes coming true.

Ruby: Sure. You mean the songs, right?

Ginger: Yes. There’s “When You Wish Upon A Star,” “Once Upon A Dream,” and “A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes.”

Ruby: Okay. That’s three.

Ginger: Do you want me to go through the entire Golden Age of Disney cartoons?

Ruby: Maybe later. Continue for now.

Ginger: Anyway, Walt was big into dreams and wishes and achieving those dreams – but those who had the dreams and wishes realized were those who were good people who deserved good things to come to them.

Ruby: …well, “good” and “deserved” in the manner defined by a specific moral view…

Ginger: Cinderella obeyed the wishes of her deceased father and mother and quietly took abuse from her stepmother and stepsisters who treated her unfairly for years and eventually received kindness and affection from a prince. Are you suggesting she didn’t deserve kindness after years of abuse?

Ruby: …are we skipping the obvious “no one deserves abuse” for the sake of you getting to a point?

Ginger: I like that you said it out loud, but yes. I’m getting to a point. I think.

Ruby: Okay, continue.

Ginger: The Golden Age of Disney was about wishes and dreams coming true. Lately, it feels more like the current cartoons have been more about correcting wrongs.

Ruby: …isn’t that the same thing you said? Cinderella deserves goodness after being wronged?

Ginger: Not really. I mean, yes, but no. Coco was about correcting the understanding of Miguel. He needed to understand the importance of family traditions and…family history or something.

Ruby: Also, Imelda had to understand what really happened to her husband…

Ginger: Right. But Miguel’s Dream was to be a musician…and that didn’t really happen within the film.

Ruby: Okay…that’s one. And it’s more Pixar than Disney.

Ginger: Okay, Frozen. Not about achieving a dream; about understanding and loving a gift that feels like a curse. Wreck-It Ralph. Not about Ralph living out his dream of becoming a hero; about understanding his place as a beloved antagonist.

Ruby: Tangled has Rapunzel achieving her dream.

Ginger: Okay…that’s one.

Ruby: …okay, fine. So what is the point? Some might suggest that the Golden Age  of Disney, as you called it, was more damaging because it suggested that little girls should be pigeonholed as princesses and that their dreams were all focused on getting married to a prince.

Ginger: But that was a dream. It still is. It’s a dream children have and eventually move from as reality and a proclivity towards chemistry forms and develops. That’s not the focus of my point.

Ruby: Fine, then, what’s your point?

Ginger: No one dreams anymore.

Ruby: ……what?

Ginger: No one is given permission to dream anymore. No one is told “dream of being able to defeat a dragon or dance in a fancy ball or ride a flying carpet.” Everyone is told “understand how the world works so you can get ahead and have a realistic expectation of a solid retirement package.”

Ruby: …your manager asked for your goals for the remainder of the year, didn’t he?

Ginger: Yeah, and he said he’d appreciate it if I didn’t include “find the lost city of Atlantis” this time. I told him it was just as realistic as the goal he wanted.

Ruby: Which is?

Ginger: “Successfully train my coworker in taking over my current tasks so I can focus on the new tasks.”

Ruby: Ginger?

Ginger: Yes, Ruby?

Ruby: Someday, if you’re really very good and you take the perceived abuses of your office quietly and with grace, your prince will ride in on a flying dragon and take you away to a Firefly and you’ll live happily ever after…in space.

Ginger: You say the nicest things, Ruby.

 

Punishment By Culture

Ruby: Ginger?! WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!

Ginger: It’s not my fault. I think. What are we talking about?

Ruby: I sent an email to you and got an out of office. It said you are unable to respond to emails, as you are “currently being punished by internet providers who are stubbornly opposed to higher learning opportunities on the job.”

Ginger: Oh, that. You should really be proud of me.

Ruby: I need to know what you did.

Ginger: I did NOT make anyone cry.

Ruby: I………am actually very proud of you for that.

Ginger: Thank you. It took a lot of effort on my part.

Ruby: What DID you do?

Ginger: I attempted to inject culture into the customer service representative’s life.

Ruby: What happened? Start from the beginning.

Ginger: My internet stopped working.

Ruby: Just randomly and without warning?

Ginger: No. There was lightning and thunder and a popping sound and a little puff of magic smoke that appeared above the modem.

Ruby: Oh, wow!

Ginger: Yeah, turns out even the genies that are enslaved in the modems don’t want to stick around when lightning strikes.

Ruby: …you do know that puff of smoke wasn’t a genie, right?

Ginger: Obviously.

Ruby: Okay.

Ginger: It was a djinn. Anyway, I called the internet company that is run by demons with delusions of grandeur and was put on hold for ten minutes before Customer Representative Aaron answered.

Ruby: Wow, that’s specific.

Ginger: Well, I remember his name because it’s the first name in the phonebook.

Ruby: No one uses those anymore.

Ginger: I do.

Ruby: Papier-mâché doesn’t count.

Ginger: Oh.

Ruby: Anyway…what happened next?

Ginger: I told him my modem was struck by lightning and it wasn’t working and he asked me to confirm my phone number.

Ruby: Ginger, the actually do need that.

Ginger: I said it and he asked me to confirm it again and I said it again and he said that wasn’t the phone number on my account.

Ruby: …..okay, did you have another phone number that you provided at some point?

Ginger: Nope. And I said as much. And he stopped speaking to me, but I could still hear him typing and so I asked him to respond. Repeatedly.

Ruby: Did you use words that are unladylike?

Ginger: Despite my baser instincts, I did not. Instead, I grew annoyed. And so I began reading to him from the nearest book.

Ruby: …what book?

Ginger: Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury. I gave him the title, author and began on page one…because I was prewarned that the call was being monitored for future review and training purposes.

Ruby: Huh. How far did you get?

Ginger: Three pages before he hung up.

Ruby: Huh.

Ginger: There’s a lot in those first three pages.

Ruby: So what did you do when he hung up?

Ginger: Called back. Explained the situation again to the next representative who read from a script a lot.

Ruby: …and?

Ginger: A technician will be out to repair the modem this week.

Ruby: I’m pretty sure you can’t “repair” lightning struck modems.

Ginger: I repeated “lightning strike” as often as possible. She heard it on the fourth try and said she’d make a note to the technician to bring a replacement modem.

Ruby: Okay. But why does your out of office say you’re being punished?

Ginger: Because now I keep getting calls from the internet company asking if I could recommend other classics while they’re on lunch breaks.

Ruby: What?

Ginger: Yeah, they want to start a book club or something.

Ruby: You only bring this upon yourself, you know…

Ginger: I know….

Hobbies & Hobbits – Both Tricksy

Ruby: Ginger, for the last time…this is not a hobby.

Ginger: Ruby, it’s not the last time. And it is a hobby because I have said it is a hobby.

Ruby: Okay, fine. It IS a hobby. It’s just not the hobby you keep claiming it is.

Ginger: It totally is a hobby.

Ruby: It’s not the hobby you think it is.

Ginger: I’m totally quilting.

Ruby: Quilting involves sewing.

Ginger: I’m quilting in the very early stages.

Ruby: Over and over and over and over?

Ginger: I’m very thorough. When planning.

Ruby: Sure you are.

Ginger: Okay, planning to make a quilt is fun.

Ruby: Are you going to actually make a quilt?

Ginger: Probably. But this part is too much fun to stop right now!

Ruby: It’s still not the hobby you think it is.

Ginger: Hobbies are tricky.

On Pins & Crochet Needles

 

Ginger: I love that I always know where to find you in the bookstore.

Ruby: Hmm?

Ginger: Honestly, if I don’t see you in the romance section, I know I can find you in the craft section.

Ruby: Sorry, I sort of got caught up in this book…

Ginger: Crochet patterns?

Ruby: Yeah…

Ginger: I thought you did more knitting than crochet.

Ruby: Well, yeah, but this looked interesting…

Ginger: Creepy Crawly Crochet? RUBY. YOU MUST HAVE THIS BOOK.

Ruby: Must I?

Ginger: THERE ARE ZOMBIES. MADE OUT OF CROCHET.

Ruby: Please stop shouting. We’re in a bookstore – keep your voice down.

Ginger: Ruby. If you do not buy this book, I will buy it for you.

Ruby: Really? Because you think I’m going to crochet you a few zombies for Christmas?

Ginger: Don’t be ridiculous. I want that crochet C’thulhu from the cover for Christmas. The zombies are my birthday present. Clearly.

Ruby: Clearly. You know I’m already knitting you another scarf, right? And two more projects lined up after that -all for you.

Ginger: Look, you like to stay busy…I like to have handmade optical illusions wrapped around my neck in the winter. It’s really a win-win.

Ruby: Sure it is.

Ginger: Crocheted. Zombies.

Ruby: I know…but this keeps ME busy. What do we get you to keep YOU busy?

Ginger: Oh, we have that covered. Have you heard of the Somerton Man?

Ruby: Should I?

Ginger: I’m going to crack the code. And solve the mystery. I’m buying this book.

Ruby: …Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam? Do I really want to know?

Ginger: I’ll tell you all about it while you drive us to get coffee.

Ruby: …okay, but I’m not drinking any more coffee today.

Ginger: You’ve only had one cup! Of decaf!

Ruby: Do you want me to let you buy this book of crochet patterns for me or not?

Ginger: …okay, fine.

Q is for Quirky…

Ruby: Ginger, why do you do this?

Ginger: Ruby, why do you question my methods?

Ruby: I will admit that I do ask you about your methods, but you have to admit you have weird tendencies.

Ginger: I don’t have to admit that at all.

Ruby: It would be easier on everyone if you did.

Ginger: Easier? Easier? Really, Ruby! Life isn’t easy! Why should I make life easier when no one is going to have an easy life?

Ruby: …because you regularly claim that’s what makes you happy?

Ginger: Oh, well, there is that, I guess.

Ruby: So, you do admit you have weird tendencies?

Ginger: I admit nothing of the sort!

Ruby: What do you call this?

Ginger: …quirky.

Ruby: You call this quirky?

Ginger: Yes.

Ruby: You have spent the past twenty minutes explaining to each of the Firefly figurines why they have to move from one shelf to another…when you called me over to help assemble a bookshelf.

Ginger: Oh, yeah, we should do that. Where are we?

Ruby: You went to get scissors to cut the tape off the box twenty minutes ago.

Ginger: Right! Be right back…