Promises, Promises…

Ginger: I like penguins.

Ruby: I’m….happy for you?

Ginger: I’m just saying I like penguins.

Ruby: And I’m happy for you. A little confused, but happy.

Ginger: Why are you confused?

Ruby: We’re watching a commercial for motor oil and you are, without warning, discussing penguins.

Ginger: Well, yeah. Penguins were on my mind.

Ruby: Why?

Ginger: Because it’s cold outside and penguins live in cold climates.

Ruby: This is true. But…again…we were watching nothing that has to do with penguins.

Ginger: Were you thinking about motor oil during that commercial?

Ruby: At the start? Yes. And then a moment later, no. I was thinking about penguins.

Ginger: It must be that commercial….

Ruby: Or the fact you randomly brought up penguins.

Ginger: I’ve never randomly brought up penguins. I have never raised penguins in my life.

Ruby: You brought them up in conversation.

Ginger: Oh. That. I did do that.

Ruby: Actually, you’ve been doing that all week.

Ginger: Have I?

Ruby: Yes. Monday, when we were talking about getting coffee, you told me penguins don’t drink coffee.

Ginger: I did say that.

Ruby: And then Tuesday, when Fly was asking if we wanted dinner, you explained that penguins have the same thing for dinner every day.

Ginger: Well, it is true. Their diet is pretty much mono-tastic.

Ruby: And then Thursday, you pointed at a tuxedo in a store window and said you liked the penguin suit.

Ginger: That’s sorta stretching the point, Ruby.

Ruby: Ginger, I’m going to be very clear on this, okay?

Ginger: Okay…?

Ruby: I am not buying you a pet penguin for Christmas.

Ginger: But Lightbulb is LONELY!! You should see him cuddle up to my stuffed animals and cluck softly, waiting for them to reply!!

Ruby: First of all? It’s too early to start telling me your Christmas list—

Ginger: The commercials on TV don’t think so. Also, I assumed getting a live penguin would take longer than the 4 weeks of Advent would allow.


Ginger: Look, I understand your desire to keep it a secret. Telling me what you’re getting me for Christmas is considered cheating. I was just hoping that if you WERE, you would give me enough prep time so I can acclimatize Lightbulb to a slightly chillier temperature.


Ginger: …I’ll get you a Totoro for Chanukah.

Ruby: …a life-size one?

Ginger: I can make that happen.

Ruby: I’ll see what I can do about the penguin.

Ginger: Deal.


This Is Why We Limit Her Sugar Intake

Ginger: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fly: Did you have a nice afternoon out with Ginger?

Ruby: Yup. Just don’t ask what we did.

Fly: But what if I’m curious about how you spent your afternoon?


Ruby: I know you and you do not want to know.

Fly: I know you and I believe you. It is just about dinner time. Are you hungry?

Ruby: We had something to eat around four, so…not really.

Fly: That is more like snack than dinner. Are you sure you don’t want something small?


Ruby: WekindafilleduponleftoverHalloweencandy.

Fly: Right. And not asking. I’ll just make something for myself.


Fly: I wish we had more trick-or-treaters this year.

Ruby: Me, too.

Oh, Autocorrect, You Saucy Minx

Fly: Where’s your phone?

Ruby: I left it at home. I only realized it after we were getting out of the car, but I figured you have your phone, so who else would I need to call?

Fly: Ginger is texting me.

Ruby: Oh. Right.

Fly: She’s having computer problems, apparently, and…. I don’t think that’s right.

Ruby: What does it say?

Fly: “The demon in my computer has refused to acknowledge I am the superior being with a college degree & thusly moused its screen at me.”

Ruby: Tell her I will call her when I get home.

Fly: Do you really think that will work?

Ruby: No, but it will buy us some time to cross a few things off the grocery list.

Fly: You know her better than me…

Ruby: Only a little. Here, this granola has dried berries in it.

Fly: Get the other one.

Ruby: Okay…

Fly: What did she mean by “moused its screen at her”?

Ruby: The computer version of thumbed its nose.

Fly: Ah. Oh, she wrote back.

Ruby: Okay…?

Fly: …I don’t…I’m just going to read this out loud and hope it makes sense.

Ruby: Ooh, these are on sale…

Fly: “If it helps, I can send some sensual screenshots to you.”

Ruby: …she’s gonna what?

Fly: Oh, a follow-up… She was Autocorrected. She……hee, hee, hee….

Ruby: What?

Fly: Here… You read it…

Ruby: …….how did…oh, she’s calling now… I’ll put her on speaker. Hello?


Ruby: What did you mean to send him?


Ruby: Well, it sounds like your phone wants to get very close with my husband’s phone. Should we have a talk with them?

Fly: I want to know what sensual screenshots would look like…are there candles softening the Minesweeper’s “come hither” look?


Ruby: Are there bedsheets draped across the keyboard, showing only the numbered keypad?


Fly: But this is so much more fun…even the passing grocery clerk stopped to listen…

Ginger: … it Gene? GENE, ARE YOU THERE??

Gene: ….uh….yes?

Fly: How did she—

Ruby: Do not ask questions you don’t want answered.


Ruby: He’s actually been walking away since he recognized your voice.

Ginger: What?? Ruby – follow him!!

Ruby: …ok, but the reception in this store is Super Awful. I might lose this call…

Fly: It is? I’ve never…OH! Yes. It’s………bad. We should let you chase Gene in person. And hang up. For now.

Ginger: ……..that sounds legit. I can call the store directly and have them patch me through to the store’s P.A. system.

Ruby: But first…I’m looking forward to those sensual screenshots…


Dragons Like Coffee, Too

Ruby: Please tell me there’s a reason you have a skeletal rat in a black hood greeting people at your front door.

Ginger: That’s the Death of Rats.

Ruby: …please tell me there’s a reason.

Ginger: There’s a reason.

Ruby: ………what’s the reason?

Ginger: Well, Death retired, see, but you can’t have an absence of death, so versions of Death started popping up all over to cover the many deaths and —

Ruby: No. Not THAT reason. What is the reason the Death of Rats is greeting your visitors?

Ginger: Well, he’s very good at it.

Ruby: Is it going to get put away after Halloween?

Ginger: Why would I put the Death of Rats anywhere else? He’s happy where he is.

Ruby: Right. He’s slightly unsettling, though.

Ginger: …really? But he smiles. Smiles are comforting.

Ruby: What if I get you a different….greeter? Maybe you could move the Death of Rats to a room where those of a stronger disposition can find him.

Ginger: There was a stone Jawa with glow-in-the-dark eyes that looked like fun…

Ruby: Or….maybe something….else. Like a dog.

Ginger: A Hellhound?

Ruby: Or…a welcome mat.

Ginger: I have one somewhere…I think it says something about dragons. Or coffee?

Ruby: How can you confuse the two?

Ginger: How can you not feel welcomed by the Death of Rats?

Ruby: …where is Lightbulb?

Ginger: Hiding somewhere, I guess.

Ruby: Hiding?

Ginger: Yeah, he refuses to go near the front door now. I’m not sure why. It’s the Death of RATS…not Chickens.

Ruby: You know that not everyone reads Terry Pratchett novels, right?

Ginger: …do you think it would help if I read Reaper Man to him?

Ruby: I think I need to stop letting you go shopping in the Halloween section of a store by yourself.

Ginger: Good luck.

Not Everyone Dreams Of Paris Vacations

Ruby: Hey, Ginger…?

Ginger: Yo.

Ruby: Why is my computer suggesting haunted hotels for my next vacation?

Ginger: Why are you asking me? Maybe Fly wants to see a ghost.

Ruby: I’m sorry. You are absolutely right. My husband, who has never shown the slightest hint of an inclination to see a ghost the entire time I have known him, could have been the last person on my computer.

Ginger: Or your computer is haunted. That’s also a possibility.

Ruby: Let’s call that a less-likely scenario.

Ginger: It’s possible that your computer got haunted and THEN Fly wondered about haunted hotels.

Ruby: You realize that with every “solution” you offer, you really only get further from reality, right?

Ginger: I’ve never really been a fan of reality.

Ruby: I’ve noticed.

Ginger: Can I go now? I was making a snack.

Ruby: What were you making and how much of a mess will I need to clean?

Ginger: ……I was microwaving some marshmallows.

Ruby: Did you make any for me?

Ginger: Depends, did you want the chocolate syrup drizzled on yours?

Ruby: Obviously.

Ginger: Then, yes. Yes, I did make some for you.

Ruby: Hey, Ginger?

Ginger: Yes?

Ruby: I will not stay in a haunted hotel with you.

Ginger: I know. But my sister doesn’t know the hotels are haunted if I look it up on your computer.

Ruby: I feel like I should call her…

Ginger: Not if you want this snack…

Ruby: ……….what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Ginger: I hoped you’d see it my way.

Put A Little Iron Birdhouse, Lined With Salt, In Your Soul

Ginger: I still can’t believe you lied to me about spider cities.

Ruby: I still can’t believe you believed me. You said it yourself – spiders are not social creatures.

Ginger: Still…webworm just sounds like something worse.

Ruby: Can we move on?

Ginger: Sure. Have you finished Stranger Things yet?

Ruby: I have not.

Ginger: Have you started Stranger Things yet?

Ruby: I have not.

Ginger: You’re only delaying the inevitable.

Ruby: Ginger, I can sleep at night. Even when the Christmas lights you strung up on the wall blink.

Ginger: That was ONE TIME.

Ruby: …one time that you strung up the Christmas lights? Because I seem to recall three nights in a row when you—

Ginger: Let’s move on.

Ruby: Okay.

Ginger: What are you looking at?

Ruby: Oh, a friend went to Portugal and sent back some pictures…

Ginger: That one’s really cool.

Ruby: Yeah. She said this is the forest where they filmed Twilight.

Ginger: Less cool…wait…go back…that’s very cool.

Ruby: Really? You’re suddenly a Twilight fan?

Ginger: Absolutely not. But look at that flimsy thing…in the corner…

Ruby: …yeah?

Ginger: That’s in the second photo, too, but…it moved… Ruby, that could be spirit photography.

Ruby: Come again?

Ginger: This ethereal image is on both pictures, but while the subject doesn’t move, the ethereal thing does…

Ruby: Ginger, that looks like a reflection in glass…

Ginger: Yeah, but there’s no indication anywhere else that this photo was taken from behind glass.

Ruby: Um. It looks like a reflection in a window to me.

Ginger: You’re looking at it with untrained eyes. I have watched all 12 seasons of Supernatural and the first season of Stranger Things. I have a highly trained eye.

Ruby: Okay. But your “ghost” is wearing a Fitbit®.

Ginger: Fads can extend to the afterlife, too.

Ruby: This fad is getting out of control.

Ginger: Well, fine, maybe a Twi-hard went looking for Edward wearing her fitness tracker and tripped over a vine and broke her neck or something and now is doomed to rack up steps in her eternal quest for an actor in a lot of glittery make-up.

Ruby: Do ghosts even have feet?

Ginger: Um…sometimes? The ghosts on Supernatural typically do. But that’s probably because actors are very timid when it comes to cutting off their own feet for a single-episode gig.

Ruby: Weird.

Ginger: Also? You don’t have to have feet to fool a fitness tracker. I know someone who cheats by swinging his arms around a lot.

Ruby: Huh.

Ginger: I bet a ghost would be into that. Especially if she doesn’t have feet.

Ruby: I now have an image of a ghost wandering around the woods in Portugal, windmilling her arms.

Ginger: And now you have photographic evidence!

Ruby: …of my friend taking a picture from inside her car.

Ginger: You need to watch more Supernatural.

Ruby: You need to get a better nightlight.

Ginger: I’m looking for a blue canary for the outlet by the lightswitch!

Ruby: Who watches over you?

Ginger: Exactly!

2BR 1B Opening In Mirkwood Apts

Ginger: …what is that?

Ruby: What is what? That? That’s a picture my phone took the last time I was in Canada.

Ginger: Your phone randomly takes pictures of horror movies when you’re in Canada?

Ruby: …okay, first? That’s not a horror movie. That’s a tree. Second, I was taking my phone out of my purse to try to find the charger when the phone somehow took a picture. I think I hit a button or something.

Ginger: First? That IS a horror movie. Second? You take accidental pictures with your phone a lot.

Ruby: …let’s focus on the more important issue.

Ginger: Okay.

Ruby: Why don’t you tell me what the “more important issue” is in your world.

Ginger: That is not a tree. It’s a horror movie.

Ruby: …that’s a tree.

Ginger: Then I am terrified for the people of Canada.

Ruby: Why?

Ginger: What is THAT on the tree?

Ruby: …a spiderweb?

Ginger: The last time I saw a spiderweb that size, it was in a little forest called Mirkwood. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? A hobbit and some dwarves tried to pass through it once.

Ruby: …what?

Ginger: Look at the size of that spiderweb!

Ruby: …okay?

Ginger: Is that a normal sized tree?

Ruby: …yes?

Ginger: Did it tower over you?

Ruby: In a tree-like fashion. Yes.

Ginger: Then think about the size of the spider that had to spin that web!

Ruby: …it’s not just ONE spider, Ginger. It’s a lot of spiders that sort of live together.

Ginger: Are you sure? I don’t recall spiders being very social creatures.

Ruby: It’s like a spider-city. They all have apartments, so they live close together, but still separately.

Ginger: …okay. I can see that. I guess.

Ruby: Good. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Ginger: I can see the tiny el tracks and the spider museums…

Ruby: I really should have seen that coming.

Ginger: This one here has a spider stadium…and a spider restaurant…

Ruby: Curiosity begs I ask…

Ginger: Hmm?

Ruby: Why did you think it was a horror movie when you first saw the picture? You name spiders you find in your home and refuse to kill them.

Ginger: I name spiders in my home and refuse to kill them if they agree to live by the rules. Spiders that big would have a name…but it would not get to live in my home. It’s too big to abide by Rule #5.

Ruby: Which is…?

Ginger: Under no circumstances is it allowed to be larger than my shoe.

Ruby: That’s a good rule.