A Very Merry Un-Birthday

Ginger: Happy Birthday, Fly!

Ruby: Oh, good, you’re here! I’m still baking the cake. Can you stir this?

Ginger: He’s not here?

Ruby: He’s working. He’ll be home later.

Ginger: He didn’t take the day off? I took the day off.

Ruby: Surgery isn’t the same as pulling reports and booking conference rooms. Sometimes, it can’t wait and people might actually die if it isn’t done then and there.

Ginger: That sounds like a job for which I would not be a good candidate.

Ruby: When you were in high school, did the guidance counselor ever sit you down to discuss future career paths?

Ginger: Maybe. I dunno. I always got distracted by her earrings. They were designed to hypnotize students into weird trances or something.

Ruby: Really? Did you mention that to her?

Ginger: Yeah. She sighed and told me she was glad I was graduating. She didn’t really know what to do with me.

Ruby: People rarely do, Ginger.

Ginger: Well, since Fly isn’t going to be home right away, do you wanna watch his birthday present with me?

Ruby: …what?

Ginger: I bought him Firefly on Blu-Ray.

Ruby: …why?

Ginger: Because. It’s Firefly. And it’s the 15 year anniversary collector’s edition.

Ruby: Right. I’m pretty sure Fly is going to repeat what your high school guidance counselor said when he opens that.

Ginger: “Do everyone a favor and pretend to pay attention in class, at least for the sake of the teachers?”

Ruby: ………….yes.

 

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It’s The Hap-Happiest Season Of All

Ginger: It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Ruby: Are we doing that again?

Ginger: Doing what?

Ruby: Oh good. We’re not.

Ginger: Don’t do that. What did you think we were doing again?

Ruby: Is that a new pin on your coat? It’s lovely.

Ginger: Thank you! I got it as a gift.

Ruby: That’s so nice! Say, Ginger, why is it the most wonderful time of the year?

Ginger: I have so many vacation days leftover that I can just say “meh. Don’t wanna work today” AND I still have my vacation lined up!

Ruby: Oh, that’s right…you’re going on vacation.

Ginger: Yes!

Ruby: You’re not going around the world, again, are you?

Ginger: Nope!

Ruby: And you’re not going around to all the small towns that make it sound like you’re going around the world again, are you?

Ginger: Nope!

Ruby: …where are you going?

Ginger: I’m staying home and sleeping in every single day!

Ruby: What did you tell your coworkers?

Ginger: That I’m going on a crazy wild trip that doesn’t allow cameras or sleep and that when I come back, I will be so jetlagged I probably won’t know where I am for a month!

Ruby: Because you plan on becoming completely nocturnal during your vacation?

Ginger: Yeah. Pretty much.

Ruby: You have strange definitions of “the most wonderful.”

Ginger: I’ve been told.

Drawing Pads Are Ruled, Right?

Ruby: Ginger, did you do this?

Ginger: Depends. Be more specific?

Ruby: This.

Ginger: This is a table. I did not make a table.

Ruby: You cleaned off this table.

Ginger: I did move a few items from the table to a different location.

Ruby: Where did you move the yellow tablet of paper?

Ginger: …what yellow tablet of paper?

Ruby: The one that was right here. At this chair.

Ginger: The one that had a pencil sketch of an elephant eating a birthday cake in the lower corner?

Ruby: Depends. Did you draw an elephant eating a birthday cake in the lower corner?

Ginger: Sounds like something I’d do…?

Ruby: Then yes. That is the yellow tablet in question.

Ginger: I didn’t move that tablet. You threatened my life if I touched it.

Ruby: Then who moved it?

Ginger: Your husband felt it was a good time to clear the table so I could set the table and then we could eat dinner at the table.

Ruby: You just said you cleared off this table. Now you’re blaming Fly?

Ginger: No, I said I moved a few items to a different location.

Ruby: Which items did you move?

Ginger: My purse, my hat and my gloves. I moved them to the couch.

Ruby: Where did my husband put the yellow tablet?

Ginger: I don’t know.

Ruby: Fly?

Fly: Ginger, there you are – I thought you were going to help me set the table…

Ruby: Where is the yellow tablet of paper? It was right here.

Fly: Which yellow tablet? The one with the drawing of the cat driving a car in the upper corner?

Ginger: I should clarify something – I may have drawn on multiple sheets of paper in that tablet.

Ruby: I need that tablet. It has important information on it.

Ginger: The location of Amelia Earhart’s grave?

Ruby: No, it’s—

Ginger: The true identity of D.B. Cooper?

Ruby: No, Ginger, it—

Fly: The cure for the common cold?

Ruby: Don’t help her.

Fly: Sorry. It seemed like fun.

Ruby: It has my work notes on it. From the meeting today. I need it so I can get my job done tomorrow.

Ginger: Did it say things like “fix entry fields” and “Hide Customer Details” and were there little tiny flowers in the margin?

Ruby: Yes.

Ginger: Oh. I didn’t like that page. It was too…wordy? So I tore it off the tablet.

Ruby: You…what?

Fly: I’m so glad it’s not me…

Ginger: So, it wasn’t a drawing pad?

Ruby: It was not. Where are my notes?

Ginger: I folded it up and put it somewhere…

Ruby: Where?

Ginger: I think it was a book. A romance novel, maybe?

Ruby: Which romance novel?

Fly: I can see five from here. No, wait…seven.

Ginger: It had a lewd cover. With a red dress on it. I think. Maybe it was a red sash?

Fly: I think I put four more on the bookshelf in the living room…

Ruby: Ginger?

Ginger: Yes, Ruby?

Ruby: Find my work notes or you don’t get dinner tonight.

Ginger: Yes, Ruby.

Promises, Promises…

Ginger: I like penguins.

Ruby: I’m….happy for you?

Ginger: I’m just saying I like penguins.

Ruby: And I’m happy for you. A little confused, but happy.

Ginger: Why are you confused?

Ruby: We’re watching a commercial for motor oil and you are, without warning, discussing penguins.

Ginger: Well, yeah. Penguins were on my mind.

Ruby: Why?

Ginger: Because it’s cold outside and penguins live in cold climates.

Ruby: This is true. But…again…we were watching nothing that has to do with penguins.

Ginger: Were you thinking about motor oil during that commercial?

Ruby: At the start? Yes. And then a moment later, no. I was thinking about penguins.

Ginger: It must be that commercial….

Ruby: Or the fact you randomly brought up penguins.

Ginger: I’ve never randomly brought up penguins. I have never raised penguins in my life.

Ruby: You brought them up in conversation.

Ginger: Oh. That. I did do that.

Ruby: Actually, you’ve been doing that all week.

Ginger: Have I?

Ruby: Yes. Monday, when we were talking about getting coffee, you told me penguins don’t drink coffee.

Ginger: I did say that.

Ruby: And then Tuesday, when Fly was asking if we wanted dinner, you explained that penguins have the same thing for dinner every day.

Ginger: Well, it is true. Their diet is pretty much mono-tastic.

Ruby: And then Thursday, you pointed at a tuxedo in a store window and said you liked the penguin suit.

Ginger: That’s sorta stretching the point, Ruby.

Ruby: Ginger, I’m going to be very clear on this, okay?

Ginger: Okay…?

Ruby: I am not buying you a pet penguin for Christmas.

Ginger: But Lightbulb is LONELY!! You should see him cuddle up to my stuffed animals and cluck softly, waiting for them to reply!!

Ruby: First of all? It’s too early to start telling me your Christmas list—

Ginger: The commercials on TV don’t think so. Also, I assumed getting a live penguin would take longer than the 4 weeks of Advent would allow.

Ruby: SECOND of all, I’m NOT GETTING YOU A PENGUIN FOR CHRISTMAS.

Ginger: Look, I understand your desire to keep it a secret. Telling me what you’re getting me for Christmas is considered cheating. I was just hoping that if you WERE, you would give me enough prep time so I can acclimatize Lightbulb to a slightly chillier temperature.

Ruby: I AM NOT GETTING YOU A PENGUIN FOR CHRISTMAS.

Ginger: …I’ll get you a Totoro for Chanukah.

Ruby: …a life-size one?

Ginger: I can make that happen.

Ruby: I’ll see what I can do about the penguin.

Ginger: Deal.

This Is Why We Limit Her Sugar Intake

Ginger: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fly: Did you have a nice afternoon out with Ginger?

Ruby: Yup. Just don’t ask what we did.

Fly: But what if I’m curious about how you spent your afternoon?

Ginger: DUSTINWASRIGHTABOUTTHOSEMUSKETEERS!!!!

Ruby: I know you and you do not want to know.

Fly: I know you and I believe you. It is just about dinner time. Are you hungry?

Ruby: We had something to eat around four, so…not really.

Fly: That is more like snack than dinner. Are you sure you don’t want something small?

Ginger: THEREARESOMANYNOISESINMYHEADRIGHTNOW!!!!

Ruby: WekindafilleduponleftoverHalloweencandy.

Fly: Right. And not asking. I’ll just make something for myself.

Ginger: HEY, FLY! WOW! I HAVE SOMANYMEDICALQUESTIONS!! DO BEES SNEEZE?!

Fly: I wish we had more trick-or-treaters this year.

Ruby: Me, too.

Oh, Autocorrect, You Saucy Minx

Fly: Where’s your phone?

Ruby: I left it at home. I only realized it after we were getting out of the car, but I figured you have your phone, so who else would I need to call?

Fly: Ginger is texting me.

Ruby: Oh. Right.

Fly: She’s having computer problems, apparently, and…. I don’t think that’s right.

Ruby: What does it say?

Fly: “The demon in my computer has refused to acknowledge I am the superior being with a college degree & thusly moused its screen at me.”

Ruby: Tell her I will call her when I get home.

Fly: Do you really think that will work?

Ruby: No, but it will buy us some time to cross a few things off the grocery list.

Fly: You know her better than me…

Ruby: Only a little. Here, this granola has dried berries in it.

Fly: Get the other one.

Ruby: Okay…

Fly: What did she mean by “moused its screen at her”?

Ruby: The computer version of thumbed its nose.

Fly: Ah. Oh, she wrote back.

Ruby: Okay…?

Fly: …I don’t…I’m just going to read this out loud and hope it makes sense.

Ruby: Ooh, these are on sale…

Fly: “If it helps, I can send some sensual screenshots to you.”

Ruby: …she’s gonna what?

Fly: Oh, a follow-up… She was Autocorrected. She……hee, hee, hee….

Ruby: What?

Fly: Here… You read it…

Ruby: …….how did…oh, she’s calling now… I’ll put her on speaker. Hello?

Ginger: I SENT FLY A PROVOCATIVE TEXT AND IT’S ALL AUTOCORRECT’S FAULT!!!

Ruby: What did you mean to send him?

Ginger: I TRIED TO SEND “IF IT HELPS, I CAN SEND SOME SERIES OF SCREENSHOTS TO YOU” AND IT TURNED INTO SOMETHING ELSE!!!

Ruby: Well, it sounds like your phone wants to get very close with my husband’s phone. Should we have a talk with them?

Fly: I want to know what sensual screenshots would look like…are there candles softening the Minesweeper’s “come hither” look?

Ginger: MINESWEEPER DOES NOT WHISPER COME HITHER, FLY! AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!

Ruby: Are there bedsheets draped across the keyboard, showing only the numbered keypad?

Ginger: I JUST WANTED YOU TO HELP ME FIX MY COMPUTER!!!

Fly: But this is so much more fun…even the passing grocery clerk stopped to listen…

Ginger: …..is it Gene? GENE, ARE YOU THERE??

Gene: ….uh….yes?

Fly: How did she—

Ruby: Do not ask questions you don’t want answered.

Ginger: GENE, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOCK THE SUGAR-FROSTED ZOMBIE BOMBS CEREAL AGAIN??? GENE, I KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING!!!

Ruby: He’s actually been walking away since he recognized your voice.

Ginger: What?? Ruby – follow him!!

Ruby: …ok, but the reception in this store is Super Awful. I might lose this call…

Fly: It is? I’ve never…OH! Yes. It’s………bad. We should let you chase Gene in person. And hang up. For now.

Ginger: ……..that sounds legit. I can call the store directly and have them patch me through to the store’s P.A. system.

Ruby: But first…I’m looking forward to those sensual screenshots…

Ginger: … I DIDN’T MEAN TO TYPE THAT!!!!!

Dragons Like Coffee, Too

Ruby: Please tell me there’s a reason you have a skeletal rat in a black hood greeting people at your front door.

Ginger: That’s the Death of Rats.

Ruby: …please tell me there’s a reason.

Ginger: There’s a reason.

Ruby: ………what’s the reason?

Ginger: Well, Death retired, see, but you can’t have an absence of death, so versions of Death started popping up all over to cover the many deaths and —

Ruby: No. Not THAT reason. What is the reason the Death of Rats is greeting your visitors?

Ginger: Well, he’s very good at it.

Ruby: Is it going to get put away after Halloween?

Ginger: Why would I put the Death of Rats anywhere else? He’s happy where he is.

Ruby: Right. He’s slightly unsettling, though.

Ginger: …really? But he smiles. Smiles are comforting.

Ruby: What if I get you a different….greeter? Maybe you could move the Death of Rats to a room where those of a stronger disposition can find him.

Ginger: There was a stone Jawa with glow-in-the-dark eyes that looked like fun…

Ruby: Or….maybe something….else. Like a dog.

Ginger: A Hellhound?

Ruby: Or…a welcome mat.

Ginger: I have one somewhere…I think it says something about dragons. Or coffee?

Ruby: How can you confuse the two?

Ginger: How can you not feel welcomed by the Death of Rats?

Ruby: …where is Lightbulb?

Ginger: Hiding somewhere, I guess.

Ruby: Hiding?

Ginger: Yeah, he refuses to go near the front door now. I’m not sure why. It’s the Death of RATS…not Chickens.

Ruby: You know that not everyone reads Terry Pratchett novels, right?

Ginger: …do you think it would help if I read Reaper Man to him?

Ruby: I think I need to stop letting you go shopping in the Halloween section of a store by yourself.

Ginger: Good luck.