Put A Little Iron Birdhouse, Lined With Salt, In Your Soul

Ginger: I still can’t believe you lied to me about spider cities.

Ruby: I still can’t believe you believed me. You said it yourself – spiders are not social creatures.

Ginger: Still…webworm just sounds like something worse.

Ruby: Can we move on?

Ginger: Sure. Have you finished Stranger Things yet?

Ruby: I have not.

Ginger: Have you started Stranger Things yet?

Ruby: I have not.

Ginger: You’re only delaying the inevitable.

Ruby: Ginger, I can sleep at night. Even when the Christmas lights you strung up on the wall blink.

Ginger: That was ONE TIME.

Ruby: …one time that you strung up the Christmas lights? Because I seem to recall three nights in a row when you—

Ginger: Let’s move on.

Ruby: Okay.

Ginger: What are you looking at?

Ruby: Oh, a friend went to Portugal and sent back some pictures…

Ginger: That one’s really cool.

Ruby: Yeah. She said this is the forest where they filmed Twilight.

Ginger: Less cool…wait…go back…that’s very cool.

Ruby: Really? You’re suddenly a Twilight fan?

Ginger: Absolutely not. But look at that flimsy thing…in the corner…

Ruby: …yeah?

Ginger: That’s in the second photo, too, but…it moved… Ruby, that could be spirit photography.

Ruby: Come again?

Ginger: This ethereal image is on both pictures, but while the subject doesn’t move, the ethereal thing does…

Ruby: Ginger, that looks like a reflection in glass…

Ginger: Yeah, but there’s no indication anywhere else that this photo was taken from behind glass.

Ruby: Um. It looks like a reflection in a window to me.

Ginger: You’re looking at it with untrained eyes. I have watched all 12 seasons of Supernatural and the first season of Stranger Things. I have a highly trained eye.

Ruby: Okay. But your “ghost” is wearing a Fitbit®.

Ginger: Fads can extend to the afterlife, too.

Ruby: This fad is getting out of control.

Ginger: Well, fine, maybe a Twi-hard went looking for Edward wearing her fitness tracker and tripped over a vine and broke her neck or something and now is doomed to rack up steps in her eternal quest for an actor in a lot of glittery make-up.

Ruby: Do ghosts even have feet?

Ginger: Um…sometimes? The ghosts on Supernatural typically do. But that’s probably because actors are very timid when it comes to cutting off their own feet for a single-episode gig.

Ruby: Weird.

Ginger: Also? You don’t have to have feet to fool a fitness tracker. I know someone who cheats by swinging his arms around a lot.

Ruby: Huh.

Ginger: I bet a ghost would be into that. Especially if she doesn’t have feet.

Ruby: I now have an image of a ghost wandering around the woods in Portugal, windmilling her arms.

Ginger: And now you have photographic evidence!

Ruby: …of my friend taking a picture from inside her car.

Ginger: You need to watch more Supernatural.

Ruby: You need to get a better nightlight.

Ginger: I’m looking for a blue canary for the outlet by the lightswitch!

Ruby: Who watches over you?

Ginger: Exactly!

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2BR 1B Opening In Mirkwood Apts

Ginger: …what is that?

Ruby: What is what? That? That’s a picture my phone took the last time I was in Canada.

Ginger: Your phone randomly takes pictures of horror movies when you’re in Canada?

Ruby: …okay, first? That’s not a horror movie. That’s a tree. Second, I was taking my phone out of my purse to try to find the charger when the phone somehow took a picture. I think I hit a button or something.

Ginger: First? That IS a horror movie. Second? You take accidental pictures with your phone a lot.

Ruby: …let’s focus on the more important issue.

Ginger: Okay.

Ruby: Why don’t you tell me what the “more important issue” is in your world.

Ginger: That is not a tree. It’s a horror movie.

Ruby: …that’s a tree.

Ginger: Then I am terrified for the people of Canada.

Ruby: Why?

Ginger: What is THAT on the tree?

Ruby: …a spiderweb?

Ginger: The last time I saw a spiderweb that size, it was in a little forest called Mirkwood. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? A hobbit and some dwarves tried to pass through it once.

Ruby: …what?

Ginger: Look at the size of that spiderweb!

Ruby: …okay?

Ginger: Is that a normal sized tree?

Ruby: …yes?

Ginger: Did it tower over you?

Ruby: In a tree-like fashion. Yes.

Ginger: Then think about the size of the spider that had to spin that web!

Ruby: …it’s not just ONE spider, Ginger. It’s a lot of spiders that sort of live together.

Ginger: Are you sure? I don’t recall spiders being very social creatures.

Ruby: It’s like a spider-city. They all have apartments, so they live close together, but still separately.

Ginger: …okay. I can see that. I guess.

Ruby: Good. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Ginger: I can see the tiny el tracks and the spider museums…

Ruby: I really should have seen that coming.

Ginger: This one here has a spider stadium…and a spider restaurant…

Ruby: Curiosity begs I ask…

Ginger: Hmm?

Ruby: Why did you think it was a horror movie when you first saw the picture? You name spiders you find in your home and refuse to kill them.

Ginger: I name spiders in my home and refuse to kill them if they agree to live by the rules. Spiders that big would have a name…but it would not get to live in my home. It’s too big to abide by Rule #5.

Ruby: Which is…?

Ginger: Under no circumstances is it allowed to be larger than my shoe.

Ruby: That’s a good rule.

Your GPS Hates Us

Ginger: I enjoy our random road trips.

Ruby: It’s not all that random when you plan it four months in advance.

Ginger: I suppose it’s all in how you look at it.

Ruby: It’s too bad Fly couldn’t join us.

Ginger: I know.

Ruby: He’s very good at reading maps.

Ginger: I can read a map!

Ruby: I know. But…Fly’s very good at reading maps.

Ginger: Test me! I’m very good at reading maps, too.

Ruby: Okay, so, how far will we be on this road?

Ginger: According to the GPS, we have another three miles and then we take exit 33, off to the right.

Ruby: Y’know, reading a GPS isn’t the same as reading a map.

Ginger: But you don’t keep maps in your car since you got GPS.

Ruby: Most people don’t keep maps in their cars anymore.

Ginger: Have you named your GPS lady?

Ruby: Um…no? Should I?

Ginger: Most people do.

Ruby: What would you name the GPS?

Ginger: I think it should be something like Sacajawea, after the Native American woman who led Lewis and Clark to the other side of the nation, only to push them into the ocean once they reached the Pacific Ocean.

Ruby: …I don’t think that’s what Sacajawea did, but I like the concept of naming my GPS after a strong woman role model.

Ginger: Hey, look, that’s exit 33.

Ruby: Yup. It sure is.

Ginger: …weren’t we supposed to take that exit?

Ruby: The GPS would have told us.

Ginger: Um…your GPS is saying “recalculating.”

Ruby: No, she’s not.

Ginger: Not out loud, no, but the screen is saying it…yeah, we were supposed to take exit 33.

Ruby: Rats! Why didn’t she say something?

Ginger: I don’t know…but I don’t think you should name her after Sacajawea anymore.

Ruby: No, I agree, Sacajawea would have spoken up to Lewis and Clark…what’s the next step?

Ginger: Um…it looks like we can take the next exit, make a U-turn, and try again for that road that exit 33 was supposed to be.

Ruby: Okay, I’ll get over…

Ginger: So, if not Sacajawea, should you name your GPS after a slightly less reliable guide?

Ruby: Like who?

Ginger: Um…Tinkerbell!

Ruby: I’m not calling my GPS Tinkerbell.

Ginger: No, listen. In the original story by J. M. Barrie, Tinkerbell is told by Peter Pan to lead Wendy, John and Michael Banks to the Lost Boys, but Tinkerbell is super-annoyed, so she zips ahead and tells Tootles to shoot the Wendy-Bird, which he does.

Ruby: …Tootles shot Wendy?

Ginger: Yes.

Ruby: That wasn’t in the Disney cartoon.

Ginger: No. But it was in the original story.

Ruby: I don’t think I should name my GPS after a fairy that is actively trying to kill me.

Ginger: Why not?

Ruby: I don’t want to give it any ideas.

Ginger: There goes our exit…

Ruby: Oh – why didn’t the GPS say anything?!

Ginger: I think she hates us.

Ruby: Okay, seriously, you’re going to have to find out why the volume isn’t on…did you turn off the speaker or something?

Ginger: No! Look – it says…well, right now it says “Recalculating” and it might be tapping its foot impatiently…

Ruby: We are DEFINITELY not naming it Tinkerbell.

Ginger: Okay, we need to take the next exit – number 36 – and that will bring us to route 696, which, according to the most bloodthirsty and vengeful GPS in the world, will bring us back on track…eventually.

Ruby: Eventually?

Ginger: Yes. 696 will meet up with 75, which will then loop over to 82, which is where we would have been if we hadn’t missed exit 33 in the first place.

Ruby: So I’m looking for 6-9-6.

Ginger: Essentially.

Ruby: A parabola.

Ginger: It’s just like 666, only the middle number is upside down.

Ruby: A numeric palindrome.

Ginger: Yes.

Ruby: Exit 63.

Ginger: No. Helen Keller said to take exit 36.

Ruby: Helen Keller?

Ginger: I wouldn’t trust her to be my guide.

Ruby: …that’s…that’s mean, Ginger.

Ginger: You didn’t want to call your GPS Tinkerbell, but she’s not speaking to us, so I’m not sure what name you think is a better fit.

Ruby: I don’t know, maybe Dory?

Ginger: You’re the one who can’t remember to take the exits I warn you about!

Ruby: …yes, but the GPS is the one forgetting to tell me when to turn!

Ginger: Here’s your exit – don’t miss it!

Ruby: That’s Exit 36! I’m looking for exit 63, to take 969 to 25 three miles to –

Ginger: TAKE THIS EXIT!

Ruby: FINE!

Ginger: …I think I realized why you prefer having Fly here to read maps for you.

Ruby: Oh?

Ginger: You think too hard about numbers, so he just tells you when to turn.

Ruby: This is probably true.

Ginger: …are you sure you shouldn’t name your GPS Tinkerbell?

Ruby: That would explain why she only works when Fly’s in the car…wasn’t Tinkerbell in love with Peter Pan?

Ginger: Yeah…which makes you Wendy.

Ruby: Who does that make you?

Ginger: …probably the Never-bird. She’s a crazy bird who –

Ruby: I don’t need more information than that. It really just sums you up there.

Ginger: Oh, really? Well, I am the only one holding a map of any kind who can lead you home and is still currently speaking to you.

Ruby: …I honestly expected you to say you were Captain Hook. Because you want to be a pirate.

Ginger: Yeah, but I don’t have a crocodile stalking me.

Ruby: …don’t you have a vengeful Zom-bee that keeps trying to hunt you down?

Ginger: I’M CAPTAIN HOOK!!!!! ….and take the next exit so we can get home sometime this year.

Magic Rex or Jurassic Mike?

Ruby: Ginger? Where are you?

Ginger: In here…

Ruby: Your text said this was urgent. I assumed it had to do with cooking.

Ginger: Aside from “urgent,” what led you to believe it had to do with cooking?

Ruby: Your full text reads “URGENT – need you here – Mom confused.” I assumed you meant your mother confused you with your sister who functions perfectly fine in the kitchen. Even without burning ice cream.

Ginger: How was I supposed to know making ice cream doesn’t involve an open flame?

Ruby: …we’re moving on. What confused your mother? Did you tell her about the time you tried to fry up some ice cream?

Ginger: No. I’ve been staring at this text from her and I can’t…I can’t figure out how to respond.

Ruby: What does the text say?

Ginger: Background first…

Ruby: Right. Why would it be simple?

Ginger: Mom was trying to show my nephew a specific scene in Jurassic World, so she was using the scene selection on the Blu-Ray.

Ruby: Okay.

Ginger: The text reads “What chapter do the raptors come out with Channing Tatum?”

Ruby: …wow.

Ginger: Yeah.

Ruby: You told her it’s Chris Pratt, right?

Ginger: I wanted to, but…

Ruby: …but?

Ginger: But every time I start to text a response, all I can see are Velociraptors in cufflinks and bowties circling a pole, bouncing in rhythm with My Pony by Ginuwine.

Ruby: …do they look like Chippendale’s Raptors?

Ginger: …they do.

Ruby: Tell your mother it’s Chris Pratt. Maybe that will make the image go away for both of us…

Ginger: Okay. I’ll try that.

Ruby: …I can’t remove the image of a raptor just…twirling…around the pole now…

Ginger: I know. And now the rest of them are lining up and…posing…?

Ruby: IT DIDN’T HELP, GINGER!

Ginger: I REALIZE THAT NOW, RUBY!

*ping!*

Ruby: What did your mom say in reply?

Ginger: …her entire text reads “one pretty face looks like another.”

Ruby: …did you TELL her about the Chippen-raptors?

Ginger: I don’t think it’ll matter.

Ruby: I don’t think it will, either…I just…want them gone from my mind…

Ginger: We all do, Ruby…we all do…

Totallyclipsed

Ginger: So, you’re saying there’s another eclipse in seven years?

Ruby: Yes.

Ginger: And the lunar path crosses the path we just had?

Ruby: Yes.

Ginger: So, the moon just made a giant X over the earth?

Ruby: Well, not yet. In seven years, yes. But currently, it has only line.

Ginger: Hmm.

Ruby: What?

Ginger: When do you think we can move to another planet?

Ruby: …why?

Ginger: Because I think the moon is trying to get us destroyed. It is in the process of marking us with a giant X. That can only mean one thing.

Ruby: Complete annihilation by the moon?

Ginger: You see it, too!

Ruby: Ginger…the moon is not trying destroy us.

Ginger: Prove it.

Ruby: Why would the moon try to destroy us? Now?

Ginger: No one expects it! The moon was just biding its time!

Ruby: …this isn’t about the moon, is it?

Ginger: What do you mean?

Ruby: You’re worried about a TV show you like…you think something will get cancelled…?

Ginger: No, I honestly think the moon is trying to destroy us.

Ruby: Well, if it takes the moon seven years to make a big X, it will probably take longer to actually get the Death Star full operational.

Ginger: …not if my niece finds out that moon is actually a space station.

Ruby: True. We should try to keep this information quiet.

Ginger: I know just the droid…

Ruby: Droid? When did you……. Ginger, for the last time, your self-guided vacuum is NOT a droid!

Ginger: Mr. Felix has a name, Ruby!

Cheating Is Not A Strategy!

Fly: Hey, I’m back from the store…what are you doing?

Ginger: I’m waiting for Ruby to admit we can just play Bananagrams, but Ruby is enacting her right to practice futility.

Ruby: I’m trying to find a game we can play.

Fly: All of us, or just the two of you?

Ginger: Originally, the two of us, but hey – now you’re home, so…Fly? Wanna help me convince Ruby to play Bananagrams?

Fly: We play that a lot, Ginger…

Ruby: That’s what I told her!

Fly: Okay…?

Ginger: And then I suggested Tic Tac Toe.

Ruby: And I said we could do better than Tic Tac Toe.

Ginger: But we really can’t, because Tic Tac Toe is the only game that can avert World War Three.

Fly: According to War Games.

Ruby: Don’t encourage her.

Fly: What game did you suggest?

Ruby: Stratego.

Fly: Oh, that’s a fun game…

Ruby: Until you play against Ginger.

Ginger: Hey! I am honest about….my habits.

Fly: What habits?

Ruby: Have you ever played Battleship?

Fly: Yes.

Ruby: Against Ginger?

Fly: No. Why?

Ginger: Boats MOVE, Ruby. They don’t stay in one place when someone is firing torpedoes at them!

Fly: Got it – never play Battleship against someone who moves her ships.

Ruby: Y’know how in Stratego, you can set bombs?

Fly: …bombs don’t move, Ginger.

Ginger: Okay, sure, but in Labyrinth, they can walk.

Ruby: For the hundredth time, Ginger, fantasy films do not a strategy make!

Ginger: For the hundredth and one-th time, Ruby, PROVE IT.

Fly: Hundred and first time.

Ruby: That’s not helping…she’s doing that on purpose to distract us.

Fly: Right. Sorry. The bombs in Labyrinth had tiny feet and legs.

Ginger: So do the bombs in Stratego!

Ruby: I TOOK THE MAGIC MARKER AWAY FROM YOU!

Ginger: IT WAS A LITTLE LATE, RUBY!

Fly: …the bombs in our Stratego game have legs and feet on them now, don’t they?

Ruby: How’d ya guess?

Fly: If you’re so inclined to draw, we can play Pictionary.

Ginger: YES!

Ruby: NO!

Fly: What? Why?

Ginger: I love Pictionary! Who’s on my team?

Ruby: OH! YES! I’m on Ginger’s team!

Fly: …on second thought, and upon viewing the tiny feet and legs on the bombs – sorry, does this bomb have an ankle tattoo of a peace sign?

Ginger: Obviously one of the bombs has to be a pacifist.

Fly: We’re not playing Pictionary. Unless money is on the line. And you’re our ringer. Against another couple.

Ruby: I told you he’d say that.

Ginger: I guess we’re back to playing Bananagrams.

Fly: We have a closet full of games. I’m sure we can find something to play that Ginger cannot crack the absurd logic on how her version of cheating is not….Bananagrams?

Ruby: WE HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF GAMES.

Ginger: And I have a strategy for each and every one of them.

Ruby: …waiting until I go to the bathroom and then shifting the board so I’m losing is not a strategy.

Ginger: Not when your sister tries it. She’s like an amateur. There’s a technique that can only be honed and perfected by years of siblings with an overwhelming obsession to find the one game I cannot cheat while playing.

Fly: How big was the celebration when Bananagrams was finally placed into your hands?

Ginger: There was great rejoicing. Mostly from Mom…

Ruby: …Settlers of Catan!

Ginger: Sure.

Fly: Really?

Ginger: Yeah, I’ve been practicing a disappearing coin trick and I want to see if it works on those tiles…

Ruby: Is Tic Tac Toe still an option?

The Cap Strikes Back

Ginger: Ruby?

Ruby: Yes, Ginger?

Ginger: I think Captain America is stalking me.

Ruby: I think it’s the other way around, Ginger.

Ginger: Look, look, look – here’s a picture of me at the convention last year – who is that in the background?

Ruby: A man dressed as Captain America.

Ginger: And here, look, my computer desktop? Who do you see?

Ruby: An image of Captain America. Isn’t that a cardboard cutout you placed in the hallway to scare your sister-in-law?

Ginger: Not the point. And look! Here!

Ruby: …those are popsicles, Ginger.

Ginger: Yes. But what colors are they?

Ruby: …Ginger, they’re popsicles. They can be all sorts of colors. Those happen to be red, white and blue.

Ginger: And who else wears red, white and blue all the time?

Ruby: …Uncle Sam.

Ginger: No. Guess again.

Ruby: Homestar Runner.

Ginger: …not who I was thinking of when I posed the question, but yes. But Guess Again.

Ruby: Papa Smurf.

Ginger: …you’re not playing along.

Ruby: Not really. What was your first clue?

Ginger: Why won’t you admit Captain America is stalking me?

Ruby: Because it’s the other way around, Ginger.

Ginger: I don’t think that’s true.

Ruby: Really? Okay. It started with that cutout. You saw that it freaked your sister-in-law out, so you started staging it all over the house until your brother got rid of it – but not until AFTER you took a picture of it. Then you started buying Captain America toys and strategically placing them in your sister-in-law’s bedroom, bathroom cupboards, freezer…

Ginger: Well, he was frozen for 50 years or so. Maybe now he finds it restful…

Ruby: My point is, you’re out there LOOKING for Captain America. Everywhere. So that you can let your sister-in-law know she’s loved and accepted by the family.

Ginger: …so the fact my closet is full of Captain America toys?

Ruby: Those are for future attempts to disrupt your sister-in-law’s sanity.

Ginger: …I guess that makes sense.

Ruby: Can I have a popsicle now?

Ginger: Do you just know all the characters who dress only in red, white and blue?

Ruby: I knew this day would come. I’ve met you.

Ginger: True.