Ruby: Ginger? Are you home?
Ginger: Nope. This is a holographic recording.
Ruby: …okay, whatever. I…need help.
Ginger: Does it involve stopping this movie? If so, I am NOT your girl.
Ruby: It involves…vampires.
Ginger: Let’s go. If we leave now, we’ll have at least four hours of sunlight so we can stake them or sun-flame them.
Ruby: Okay, whoa. Stop. WHERE did you pull that wooden stake from? And…why are you so very scarily prepared for this event?
Ginger: I’ve seen the signs. They’re popular, therefore, ready to make their move. What better way to attack than by making everyone think they’re fictional, funny creatures that are harmless in the face of a teenage girl and her friends? I’m also ready for zombies. Less so for raptors. But don’t make that public knowledge.
Ruby: Because then the zombies and vampires will know your weakness?
Ginger: There is nothing scarier than a zombie riding a raptor, Ruby.
Ginger: Come on, where’s the nest? We’re down to three hours and fifty-five minutes of sunlight left.
Ruby: Okay, so…I meant Fictional Vampires.
Ginger: Next time, be more specific.
Ruby: Believe me – I WILL.
Ginger: So, help with fictional vampires. Okay. Dracula, Angel, Spike orConstantine?
Ginger: Other? You found Mick St. John? I’m seriously impressed.
Ginger: The vampire from the short-lived TV series “Moonlight.”
Ruby: Oh. No. Another…vampire.
Ginger: A new romance novel? About vampires?
Ruby: Um. Sort of…
Ginger: So. What is it?
Ruby: …mumble, mumble…
Ginger: I’m sorry, you’re going to have to repeat that.
Ruby: It…it starts with…”Twilight”…
Ginger: I’m sorry. You’re Going To Have To Repeat That.
Ruby: Look, you don’t understand, there’s more – I mean, it STARTED with “Twilight”…
Ginger: BLASPHEMER! GET OUT!!
Ruby: No, please, listen to me – I need your help!!
Ruby: It started with “Twilight” but that was just such awful writing, I couldn’t take it after the first novel!
Ginger: YOU READ THE WHOLE NOVEL?!
Ruby: I really need your help and you haven’t let me finish telling you how I need your help. The novel was AWFUL. Did you know they not only glitter in the sun, but they also never sleep?
Ginger: No. Because I knew better than to read that!
Ruby: Look, I couldn’t take it, so I didn’t read the next novel.
Ginger: Welcome back to my love, wandering child!!
Ruby: I started reading the Sookie Stackhouse novels.
Ruby: Have…have you read those?
Ginger: No. But it’s been a recommendation from people.
Ruby: People? Like who?
Ginger: My dental hygienist…a bus driver, once…someone at a convention…Netflix…
Ruby: Netflix is not a person.
Ginger: But Netflix knows me So Well.
Ruby: You worry me.
Ginger: Says the woman who read “TWILIGHT.”
Ruby: But the Sookie Stackhouse novels are SO GOOD – Sookie has these psychic powers, but she can’t read vampires’ minds, so she kind of likes hanging out with them and she has Eric and Bill and they’re vampires and her brother is kind of a slut and she has a blood bond with Eric, which draws her to him, but Bill is such a great vampire for her because he’s always there for her whenever she needs him and Sookie got kidnapped by fairies once and she’s been drawn into all sorts of trouble and there’s, like, a murder every couple of weeks in her life and there’s werewolves and weretigers and kidnappings and murders and werepanthers and a fairy godmother and the next novel doesn’t come out until NEXT YEAR.
Ruby: I know, right?!
Ginger: No…I mean…wow. This must be what I sound like. All. The. Time.
Ruby: A bit, yeah.
Ginger: It’s weird to see the crazy shoe on the other foot.
Ruby: Yeah, whatever. But now there’s no more books until next year and…well…I…
Ginger: Need my help.
Ruby: Yes!! Because, honestly, I just… How Do You Deal With This Much Insanity ALL THE TIME?!
Ginger: What do you mean?
Ruby: I’m thinking about it all the time, I want to tell people about it all the time, I’ve started looking up where I can find “True Blood” episodes…I just…how do you cope?
Ginger: Well…it helps that you let me babble at you.
Ginger: Also, I get into other obsessions simultaneously so I can switch over to those on a whim.
Ginger: Do you have one lined up?
Ruby: Well…sort of…
Ginger: Movies, computer games or books?
Ginger: Clancy? Fforde? Garwood?
Ginger: I don’t recognize…waitaminnut…YOU WENT BACK TO “TWILIGHT?!”
Ruby: You have to help me!
Ginger: I can’t help you…no one can. If you went back…you’re lost.
Ruby: No, no, Ginger – I can change! I’m…I know I can! Besides, if I read these novels, then you don’t have to and I can tell you about all the things wrong with them and you have more fodder for when you explain to people why you don’t read them!
Ginger: VAMPIRES DON’T GLITTER, RUBY!
Ruby: Help me, Ginger Blaze – you’re my only hope!
Ginger: Meyer is your master now.
Ruby: No, please – search your feelings, Ginger, you can’t do this.
Ginger: I feel the conflict within you. Let go of those books.
Ruby: It is…too late for me…I’m too caught up in the drama.
Ginger: Come with me. Return to the good literature – leave all that behind.
Ruby: Others once thought as you do. You don’t know the power of Meyer Vampires. I must read these!
Ginger: Then my friend’s good taste is truly dead.
Ruby: Please, Ginger…
Ginger: I offered you all that I had at my disposal – Joss Whedon, Bram Stoker, Robin McKinley–
Ruby: Actually, I introduced you to Robin McKinley…
Ginger: Don’t change the subject.
Ginger: I could have brought you further into the Stars – Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate, The Last Starfighter…but you went for the latest teenage fad?
Ruby: Ginger, please…
Ginger: You didn’t ask me for help until now. By now, you must know that your taste can never be turned from the Glittery Side.
Ruby: What would you have told me?
Ginger: Lloyd Alexander. Edgar Allen Poe. Tamora Pierce. Frank Miller. Lemony Snicket. Carrie Vaughn. Terry Pratchett. Kathy Reichs. Ray Bradbury. Peter S. Beagle. James Thurber.
Ruby: Okay, okay, I get it. You had other authors at the ready.
Ginger: I always do.
Ruby: You know I can’t promise that I won’t read the next novel.
Ginger: You know I can’t promise that I won’t mock you mercilessly.
Ruby: You know I have plenty of fodder at my disposal to mock you right back.
Ginger: You know nothing you ever pull on me will ever be as awful as “Twilight.”
Ruby: Really? “Supernatural?”
Ginger: Jensen Ackles versus Robert Pattinson? Ackles all the way.
Ruby: “Snakes On A Plane?”
Ginger: I dare you to mock Samuel L. Jackson.
Ruby: I have access to your Netflix queue. I can destroy you.
Ginger: I have access to your boyfriend’s cell phone. One call from me and he will know all about your newest reading obsession.
Ginger: …shall we call it a draw?
Ruby: I promise to never again discuss “Twilight” in your presence. That’s the best I can offer.
Ginger: I guess I’ll have to take it.
Ruby: So, what are you watching?
Ginger: A wonderful Christmas movie.
Ruby: It’s “Die Hard.”
Ginger: I’m not changing my description.
Ruby: Oh – I love this part! Can I stay?
Ginger: Pull up a couch cushion.