Warning For the Faint of Heart

Ginger: People should not judge storybook characters!

Ruby: And good morning to you, too. Coffee?

Ginger: Please. I’m serious! People should not say things like “That is messed up,” or “That’s just cruel,” or “That was a defiant act of cannibalistic proportions and the Grimm Brothers never should have included it in the story!”

Ruby: Are we still talking in general terms here, or did you have a specific goal in mind when you brought this up?

Ginger: The Evil Queen may not have had such a wrong idea. Eating someone’s heart may sound like a good idea at the time! It definitely makes an example of the wrongdoer.

Ruby: Okay, technically, the Evil Queen was the wrongdoer…

Ginger: And in some cultures, people actually eat the placenta after a child’s birth.

Ruby: Yeah, but that’s kinda…gross…

Ginger: I hear it’s very nutritious.

Ruby: So are cicadas, but you don’t see me scooping them out of the earth, do you?

Ginger: Eew. Bugs.

Ruby: And besides, a placenta is not quite the same as a human heart.

Ginger: Nor is it cicadas.

Ruby: So, why are we discussing this lovely not-quite-breakfast-topic before lunch?

Ginger: I have the urge to eat someone’s heart. While they watch, preferably.

Ruby: That would prove somewhat difficult…

Ginger: Not necessarily, I believe there’s a window of three minutes between the removal of a heart and the brain shutting down.

Ruby: Can I quote you on this?

Ginger: Ask Fly first.

Ruby: Despite that, you think you could eat a human heart in less than three minutes?

Ginger: I suppose he would only need to see me take a bite and swallow…so I guess I just want to bite a human heart. Not eat. Do you think they could put it back in after I took a bite?

Ruby: Um…am I to ask Fly that, too?

Ginger: No, I wouldn’t do it anyway. But I’d like to do it.

Ruby: Okay, so, now do I have the opportunity to ask or are you still distracted by the whole three-minute-can-they-put-it-back-with-a-bite-missing concept?

Ginger: Ask away.

Ruby: On whom are we planning this particular act of Wes Craven-esque gore?

Ginger: I thought it’d be more Tarantino…

Ruby: Ginger…

Ginger: I don’t know his name. Or her name. Or its name. Although, I’m pretty sure that it’s a demon of some sort, somehow allowed out of the depths of hell just to wreak havoc across the nation with its Halls-of-Insanity style of shipping rules on delivery and pick-up.

Ruby: Well, then, technically, eating a demon’s heart wouldn’t be cannibalistic at all…

Ginger: Remember how I ordered that book on-line? They keep trying to deliver it when I’m at work and nothing I have called, emailed or written will change the time of delivery or with whom they leave it.

Ruby: They won’t leave it with your landlady?

Ginger: Nope. It has to be my signature.

Ruby: Ginger, you didn’t order one of…those…books, did you?

Ginger: Do I look stupid? Don’t answer that. After this shipping fiasco, I feel stupid for having used this shipping company.

Ruby: What is it, Joe’s Shipping?

Ginger: No, no. It’s the big shipping company that everyone relies on at some point in their lives.

Ruby: Wow. So what happens? They keep trying to ship it when you’re not there until trumpets sound the end of the world as we know it?

Ginger: No, I have to go pick it up from their sorting facility.

Ruby: Which is……where?

Ginger: You remember that car trip we took about four months ago to the outlet mall to find the perfect present for Fate’s wedding?

Ruby: Yeah…wait, that trip took us over an hour in the car one way. You have to go out there?!

Ginger: Now do you understand why I want to eat the heart of the demon behind it all?

Ruby: Yes. That’s horrible!

Ginger: I agree.

Ruby: I hope this book is worth it.

Ginger: Me, too.

Ruby: What is it?

Ginger: An illustrated copy of Snow White, but the illustrations are by a new artist I’ve come to respect, admire and adore.

Ruby: Oh. Ginger?

Ginger: Yes?

Ruby: Cicadas taste like peanut butter. Or so I hear.

Ginger: Eew. Bugs.

Ruby: I’m just saying that you’ll have to tell me what this demon’s heart tastes like, now that I told you what cicadas taste like.

Ginger: I’ll bet chicken.

*   *   *   *   *

Fly’s Response, For Anyone Curious Enough:

“Amazingly enough, whether or not you could survive watching somebody eat your heart (or just take a bite) and then put it back in is NOT on the standard medical school curriculum.

My guess, however, is that if the heart were physically cut out of the body, the immediate loss of blood movement, as well as blood loss, if not the sheer pain of getting cut open (because I assume you wouldn’t be using anesthetic) and having your heart physically pulled out of the thorax (it’s not like there’s a lot of “slack” in your aorta) would probably cause the victim/”patient” to immediately reach syncope (i.e. faint), and be unable to actually watch. That whole 3 minute thing, while possibly true, probably indicates the amount of time that they have to hook up the cardiac bypass machine (during heart surgery) before the brain starts suffering irreversible damage. But the patient would be unconscious way before that.

So, no. No. NO. But…no. No, you can’t just have a nibble. Do you know how dirty your mouth is? Put it back… NOW. Don’t make me medicate you.

For the record, it would be much easier to just eat some other human’s heart while the guy is strapped down, then point at him and say “you’re next.” I assume the appropriate terror/fear/disgust would still be established.

And I’m not even touching the placenta stuff…”

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