List Of Things To Accomplish

Ginger: Ruby, I have a question.

Ruby: Ginger, I have an answer.

Ginger: When are they ‘founded’ rumors?

Ruby: What?

Ginger: You hear the term “unfounded rumors” all the time. When are they “founded rumors?”

Ruby: You have to ask me this now?

Ginger: It just occurred to me.

Ruby: Just now?

Ginger: Well, yeah. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have asked.

Ruby: You don’t think maybe this could have waited?

Ginger: Why?

Ruby: Ginger, we’re at a wedding!

Ginger: So? It’s not us up there at the altar.

Ruby: Ginger, I’m not answering your question.

Ginger: Because you don’t know the answer?

Ruby: Because you need to learn when it is inappropriate to zone out, then drag me into it.

Ginger: You zoned out, too.

Ruby: Shh!

Ginger: I mean, really, who chooses that shade of yellow for a bridesmaid dress?

Ruby: Ginger…

Ginger: Did she look for the one shade that would negatively affect each of the seven bridesmaids?

Ruby: I’m not kidding…

Ginger: And who asks seven women to stand up in a wedding? Five is plenty, you don’t need an army up there.

Ruby: A rumor is found to be true when it has been proven. It remains an ‘unfounded rumor’ when it has been proven false. Satisfied?

Ginger: Immensely.

Ruby: Good. Now, hush. The woman in the scary hat is giving us nasty looks.

Ginger: It could be she’s jealous of my boots…

Ruby: I told you not to wear them.

Ginger: I couldn’t find my sandals…

 

…later, at the reception…

 

Ginger: Ruby, taste this.

Ruby: Why?

Ginger: Does it taste like a vodka tonic?

Ruby: (sips) No. That’s got gin in it.

Ginger: Then it’s not mine. Thanks!

Ruby: Ginger!

Ginger: What?

Ruby: Who’s is it?

Ginger: Oh, um…yours?

Ruby: What?

Ginger: Look! Dancing!

Ruby: Ginger…

Ginger: I couldn’t remember what I ordered for you, so I took a chance.

Ruby: You ordered a vodka tonic for yourself.

Ginger: I was looking for a change.

Ruby: You don’t even like vodka.

Ginger: I know. Now.

Ruby: Ginger…

Ginger: Uh-oh, Scary Hat Lady’s giving us the evil eye again…I’m outta here. The dance floor is a-callin’!

Ruby: “A-callin’?!” No more vodka tonics for you!

Ginger: Can’t hear you! Dancing!

 

…much later, leaving the reception…

 

Ginger: Did you have fun?

Ruby: Are you kidding me? I spent half the time at the wedding answering your questions that made no sense, but I couldn’t leave them alone because otherwise you’d keep asking them. The other half of the wedding I spent in fear of what would next come out of your mouth or avoiding the woman in the scary hat, who, by the way, turned out to be the maid of honor’s mother and resented the fact that we didn’t like her hat but you turned up in boots and a sundress to the wedding! The reception was spent at the table, trying to look inconspicuous as you traipsed around the room–completely out of character for you, by the way–with the same drink in your hand all night because you don’t like vodka but “wanted a change” and met with guests you don’t know and told them things that aren’t true and danced–BADLY–with all the unmarried groomsmen!

Ginger: And some of the unmarried guests, too. And one of the bridesmaids…no one else was dancing with her, so I got her to dance with me. And I danced well with her!!!

Ruby: I know! Which is why I can’t believe you danced so poorly with everyone else!

Ginger: Well there’s no reason to make her look like a fool just because I was acting like one.

Ruby: Ginger, I still don’t know how you convinced me to do this, but what’s next on your list?

Ginger: Let’s see. I can cross off “Crash a Wedding” and “Dance with Men in Tuxedos To Their Disgrace…Repeatedly, If Possible…”

Ruby: I still don’t know why you had to accomplish that before you turn 25…

Ginger: I don’t either, but I’m glad I did. It was fun…

Ruby: Y’know, I never made a List Of Things To Accomplish Before I Turn 25…and if I had, I wouldn’t have put off accomplishing them until the last minute.

Ginger: That’s why people think you’re the sweet one and I’m the obnoxious one.

Ruby: People don’t think you’re obnoxious. They think you have issues.

Ginger: Good point. Besides, I lost the list for a few years.

Ruby: I’m shocked.

Ginger: What?

Ruby: You might actually lose something? In that oh-so-tidy Pile-of-Papers you claim is an organized pile?

Ginger: Don’t mock the woman with the List. I can make it longer.

Ruby: Whatever. So, what’s next on the list? And please don’t tell me it’s an extreme sport.

Ginger: Ew. No. Do I look like the kind of girl who would jump out of an airplane and…hmm…

Ruby: Ginger! NO! I will stop this car and make you walk the rest of the way!

Ginger: sigh. Fine.

Ruby: What’s next on the list?

Ginger: Get Tattoo.

Ruby: When did you write this list?

Ginger: When I turned 18. I had just crossed off everything on my List Of Things To Accomplish Before I Turn 18.

Ruby: So…it was before you got your tattoo.

Ginger: Yeah.

Ruby: Cross it off.

Ginger: But–

Ruby: No. We’ve been through this. You want the transcript?

Ginger: No.

Ruby: Good. What’s next?

Ginger: Huh…I forgot I wrote this one…

Ruby: Well?

Ginger: You’re going to have to make a left up here…

 

much, much later

 

Ruby: Well, that was fun.

Ginger: Yeah.

Ruby: Why couldn’t we do that one first?

Ginger: Because you wouldn’t have appreciated it before crashing the wedding.

Ruby: Huh. I suppose so.

Ginger: Plus it’s hard to find a sunrise on the beach at noon.

Ruby: So I’m told.

Ginger: So? Ya ready for Day Two of Accomplishing the List?

Ruby: Do we get a break for sleep?

Ginger: Sleep is for wimps.

Ruby: Really.

Ginger: Okay, maybe a few hours won’t hurt.

Ruby: Good. How many things are left?

Ginger: Only four.

Ruby: Is that before or after you cross off the tattoo one?

Ginger: Um…after…

Ruby: Ginger, don’t make me cross it off your list myself.

Ginger: Fine. Sheesh.

Ruby: Seriously, I will.

Ginger: It’s off.

Ruby: So, three left?

Ginger: Yeah…

Ruby: And they are?

Ginger: Ride an Elephant, Learn a New Language, Smile Convincingly.

Ruby: Okay, I think the zoo has elephant rides sometimes…

Ginger: Okay, so after sleep, we’ll go to the zoo.

Ruby: Maybe the elephant ride will help you with that smile one…

Ginger: Good point; maybe you should bring your camera. You know I don’t smile convincingly too often.

Ruby: Yeah…meanwhile, good luck with the “Learn a New Language” one.

Ginger: I can learn a new language before I turn 25.

Ruby: Really?

Ginger: Yes.

Ruby: Wait…you’re going to invent a new language, aren’t you?

Ginger: …no…

Ruby: Cheating on your own List… I think that’s just sad.

Ginger: Well…you don’t even have a List! I think that’s “just sad.”

Ruby: Okay, you know what? I don’t think you wrote “Be Sarcastic At 4:02 AM” on your List…so, don’t annoy the woman driving you around to accomplish your goals in five days…what are you doing?

Ginger: Writing in a new goal that I can cross off.

Ruby: What are you writing?

Ginger: Be Sarcastic At God-Awful-Early-Hours.

Ruby: Ginger?

Ginger: Ruby?

Ruby: You can cross off “Smile Convincingly” now.

Ginger: What do you know? I can.

(and they drive off into the sun…er…rise…)

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