Hogfathered

Ginger: Ruby…Roooooooobeeeeeee…

Ruby: Wow. That’s an obnoxious way to find me.

Ginger: But it worked! Ta-da!

Ruby: Yeah. What’s up?

Ginger: Okay, so, I need you to sit down.

Ruby: Why?

Ginger: Because I’ve been practicing this and I want to make sure I get it right.

Ruby: But why do I have to sit?

Ginger: Because when I was practicing this, I was always facing a chair. Hm…do you have a shorter chair?

Ruby: Get to the point, Ginger, I’m making dinner for Fly.

Ginger: Aw, that’s sweet. Whatcha making?

Ruby: I thought some lemon chicken with a nice lentil and rice dish as a side with some chopped broccoli for a veggie.

Ginger: Ooh, white wine?

Ruby: Fly doesn’t drink.

Ginger: Oh, yeah…

Ruby: Ginger?

Ginger: Yeah?

Ruby: Fo-cus.

Ginger: Right. Ahem. Ruby, I’m sure that you are aware that I have long been a fan of the science fiction-slash-fantasy novels written by the esteemed Terry Pratchett and that in the past few years I have even successfully managed to make my way to a small bookstore in order to hear him speak and even acquired his autograph in two of my copies of his books. Had–

Ruby: I remember that, you met that guy who shared a cab with you and you realized after you got out that you’d missed a golden opportunity to possibly get a date…what was his name?

Ginger: …Martin. But you can’t interrupt me! I practiced a long time on this!

Ruby: I’m sorry, Ginger. Go ahead. You even acquired his autograph…?

Ginger: It’s not that simple. Sigh…Ruby, I’m sure that you…fan of the science…esteemed…Pratchett…successfully managed…small bookstore…acquired…his books. Had I thought the entire event through completely, of course, I would have brought my first editions for him to sign, but of course, I have shown in several significant events in my life to be A.D.D. and somewhat flighty, as some would suggest.

Ruby: Behind your back, really, and only when you can’t hear us.

Ginger: Well, obviously, I mean, I can fly off the handle when – Shh!

Ruby: Sorry. You left Martin behind in the cab, realized you should’ve brought the first editions, and…?

Ginger: …entire event…first editions…A.D.D….some would suggest. In that evening’s lecture – if you will – Mr. Pratchett told us of how he had been involved in a movie-adaptation of his novel, The Hogfather. As you may recall, I was very excited at the prospect of a live-action film of his novel, since it has my favorite characters in it: Susan, the Death of Rats and, of course, Death Himself. You know, tall guy? Skinny? Black cloak? Carries a scythe?

R : Are we getting to the point? I have lemon chicken dripping on my kitchen counter.

Ginger: Right. Well, this coming Sunday marks the first time – that I know of –The Hogfather will be on American television. Prior to this, I would have had to purchase a DVD set that is in the wrong region code and that was just silliness. The crimp in my plans, though, is that I will be out of town on Sunday. The Hogfather comes but once a lifetime and I’ll be out of town. Do you understand how simply dire my situation is?

Ruby: Why are you telling me all this?

Ginger: I bought a tape. I did all the research to find out what time –exactly – it’s going to be on. My VCR doesn’t record. Please, pleaseplease record it for me?

Ruby: I had to sit through a whole lecture on your love affair with a series of novels just to get to a simple request?

Ginger: It starts at 7. I double-checked the time and the channel – 13 – and it ends at 11. I will do anything – okay, almost anything – for this. Please!

Ruby: Will you try to find Martin?

Ginger: Um. Yes.

Ruby: Nah, that’s too easy. Will you…not quote Firefly or Serenity until 2013?

Ginger: Um…

Ruby: And, no, you can’t say the ‘shiny’ line from the ONE episode of Chuck just to get around this stipulation.

Ginger: Can I still say “shiny” when the mood hits?

Ruby: Not until 2013.

Ginger: Midnight between December 31st and January 1st qualifies as 2013?

Ruby: Sure, I guess.

Ginger: How long is that?

Ruby: More than two weeks.

Ginger: Um…what if I wash your dishes for two weeks?

Ruby: I have a dishwasher. And you’re going out of town on Friday.

Ginger: It was worth a shot…fine. No more quoting Firefly or Serenity until 2013.

Ruby: Okay then. And now I can tell you – now that our verbal contract is legally binding – that Fly had already suggested I record it for you.

Ginger: …what?

Ruby: Yeah, we saw it being advertised and thought of you and thought maybe we could give it to you as a present. We knew you were going to be out of town, and unable to see it, so…yeah.

Ginger: Ta ma d—

Ruby: Ah, ah! You promised!

Ginger: Can I still quote Red vs. Blue?

Ruby: …darn.

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