You Know This Has Happened Before…

Ruby: Hello, this is Ruby.

Quentin: Hey Ruby, it’s Quentin.

Ruby: Oh, hi! I was just emailing you. How’s the program running now?

Quentin: I think I did something wrong. I may have locked myself out of it.

Ruby: You think you locked yourself out or you think the program still has a bug?

Quentin: Either way. Can we run through it on your machine in case I missed something?

Ruby: Sure. I’ll share my screen with you…

Quentin: Thanks.

Ruby: Okay, so I’m going to open it up…with me so far?

Quentin: Yup. So far, we’re on the same page.

*da-bink!*

Ruby: Oh. Whoops, I forgot to disable that. Sorry.

Quentin: Do you need to answer that email?

Ruby: No.

Quentin: Are you sure? It looked kind of important.

Ruby: It’s not.

Quentin: The subject was “Help – My Computer Is On Fire.”

Ruby: I know.

Quentin: You’re sure it’s not important?

Ruby: The sender is insane.

Quentin: Okay.

*da-bink!*

Quentin: Seriously, please open the emails.

Ruby: But, if I do…

Quentin: The subject on that last one was “Why Are You Aiding & Abetting?” so…I need to see just how insane the sender is.

Ruby: You asked for it.

 From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: Help – My Computer Is On Fire.

I have to take an online training course. Did you know how to resize a worksheet? Because I just learned how!

Quentin: Your friend is a bit behind the times, isn’t she?

Ruby: That’s sarcasm. Here’s the other one.

 From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: Why Are You Aiding & Abetting?

Seriously. No one learned how to log out of things before this training course? HOW HAS THE INTERNET WORKED AT ALL, EVER?!

Quentin: Ah. That makes sense.

Ruby: Yeah. Okay, so…back to our issue at hand. So we log in, using the super-secret login provided by IT…

Quentin: Yes. Did that.

Ruby: Then we go to the Reports page and –

*da-bink!*

Quentin: Open it.

Ruby: Seriously? We’ll still have to get through this at some point.

Quentin: I have spent the last forty minutes arguing with my computer. I need this now.

Ruby: You should have called sooner.

Quentin: I didn’t want to sound like an idiot. Please open the email.

Ruby: Okay.

From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: Ants Are Eating My Pencils

Do you know what a “Tab” is, Ruby? Because I do. Because I took this course and I did not fall asleep in the first ten minutes. It’s not a soda pop. It’s not a key on your keyboard. If you’re very nice to me and you buy me an ice cream, I may tell you what it is. Perhaps. It has to be good ice cream.

Quentin: The subject never has to do with the body of the email.

Ruby: I warned you she’s insane. Okay, so you click on the Reports icon and it will bring up the new window…

Quentin: Or it will shut down my computer, which it did in my case.

Ruby: I should make a note to look into that bug.

*da-bink!*

Quentin: I have to know.

Ruby: You’re only encouraging her.

Quentin: How? You haven’t responded to anything!

Ruby: She just…knows.

From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: The Grassy Knoll Was All In Your Mind.

Seriously. Now they’re explaining what a QUEUE is. Not how to ADD to a QUEUE. Not how to MANAGE a QUEUE. Just what it is. SERIOUSLY.

Quentin: I’d feel bad for her, but I get the feeling she’s enjoying sending the emails as much as we are reading them.

Ruby: ‘We?’

Quentin: Tell me you’re not entertained.

Ruby: If I say the words out loud, it gives her power.

*da-bink!*

From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: It Wouldn’t Hurt So Much If You Didn’t Poke It.

I just learned what a Due Date is. Which is mind-blowing. Until this very moment, I thought it was a movie starring Iron Man and the Hangover Guy and Django. But now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

Quentin: You’re very lucky to have a friend teach you in the ways of computer systems you’ll never have to use.

Ruby: I know.

*da-bink!*

Quentin: Do it.

 From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: No One Is Forcing You. Except Me.

“Choosing the Due Within 7 Days option will only show you tasks assigned to you that are due within seven days.”

SOMEONE GOT PAID TO SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE AND IT WASN’T ME. This is what is wrong with the world today.

Quentin: It’s hard to argue with that logic.

Ruby: I know. I’ve tried.

Quentin: She…also types really fast.

Ruby: She is living proof of why a typing teacher should never chart sibling rivalry with gold stars.

Quentin: Why would she take a typing class with a sibling?

Ruby: Why would the teacher offer gold stars to siblings?

*da-bink!*

Quentin: Please?

Ruby: Fine…

From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: The Butter Bit Me And Now I Must Dance.

I miss the cheesy training videos with the over-excited narrator and synthesized music. “On the NEXT page, there’s a whole LOT of information! What’s that all about? Gina wishes she could sort all this with the click of a button. Bummer! But wait – WHAT’S KEN DOING?! He’s clicking on the SORT button! WOW! Thanks, Ken!” Dah-doop-dee-doop-doo!

Quentin: She should write scripts for cheesy training videos.

Ruby: Don’t think she hasn’t.

Quentin: In her spare time?

Ruby: Sure. We’ll go with that.

*da-bink!*

Quentin: Catchy subject…

From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: My Pudding Ate Bill Cosby

“Gee, Ken, I don’t know if I’ll ever get the hang of this!”

Poor Gina. It’s a good thing Ken understands.

“That’s okay, Gina. I understand. Say, take a look at this! It’s a HELP feature!”

That’s right, At Home Learners! There’s a HELP feature built into this new system!

“Will that HELP me if I get lost, Ken?”

“Well, it sure won’t bake an apple pie, Gina! Hah! I’m just joshing. Of course it will HELP you!”

“Wow, thanks, Ken! That’s really HELP-ful!”

Dah-doop-dee-doop-doo!

Ruby: She must be getting close to the end of the course.

Quentin: You can tell by that?

Ruby: No, I’m just really hoping she’s getting close to the end of the course.

Quentin: Will you be able to tell when she’s done?

Ruby: Yes. She’ll stop emailing and just call me to make sure I read all her emails.

*da-bink!*

Quentin: How long was this course?!

Ruby: Do you want me to ignore the email?

Quentin: No. If she has to sit through it, we can take this journey with her.

Ruby: Yeah…this is your first Online Course With Ginger. Wait until it’s your 20th, then come talk to me.

From: Blaze, Ginger

To: Flash, Ruby

Subject: Superman Just Wants To Cuddle…

We’re learning how to search now. Because apparently, no one has ever done a search in a program in any computer before. Ever. At all. In the history of computers. Before this very moment, I thought I had to dial up JOSHUA and ask him to play a game like ThermoNuclear War or Tic Tac Toe before I could find anything in the computer.

Ruby: Hang on.

From: Flash, Ruby

To: Blaze, Ginger

Subject: RE: Superman Just Wants To Cuddle…

You have lost all privileges to Fly’s Movie Collection for a full week. That is your punishment for distracting me and a co-worker during an online meeting. 

Ruby: …and Send. Now, I’m disabling the pop-up notification feature on my inbox.

Quentin: I don’t get to find out how this ends, do I?

Ruby: I…can summarize it for you later.

Quentin: Thank you.

Ruby: So…on that Report function that doesn’t function…

Quentin: Right…

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2 responses »

  1. Pingback: Buried Under Castle Plots | rubyandginger

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