The Voicemail Lady Is Named Darlene

Ruby: I really liked that movie.

Fly: Yeah, I did, too. It’s nice to get out – just the two of us.

Ruby: I’ll thank Ginger for the recommendation tomorrow.

Fly: Hey, you ready to go to dinner?

Ruby: Yes, just let me check my voicemail.

Fly: Someone called?

Ruby: Apparently, Ginger did. A lot.

Fly: Okay, wait, before you check that, let’s make sure you’re not walking into traffic.

Ruby: You take all the challenge out of life sometimes.

Voicemail  Lady: You have Thirteen new messages. Message One.

Ginger: RUBY! Ruby, it’s Ginger. You have to call me! This is an emergency of the highest order! Unless you’re out with Fly, in which case, this can wait. Call me!

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Two.

Ginger: Okay, but, see, if you’re not on a date with Fly and you don’t call me, this is DEFINITELY an emergency. And you’re required to call me. Because if you don’t call me when I claim it’s an emergency because you think that it’s not only because I said that if you’re out with Fly it can wait, but it turns out I fell down the stairs and I’m slowly dying in a heap at the bottom of my stairs, you’d feel really guilty later and I can’t have that hanging over my grave, so…wait, I lost my train of thought. Just call me.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Three.

Ginger: Sorry, I’m absolutely not in a broken puddle at the bottom of my stairs. But this is still an emergency. Call me.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Four.

Ginger: I hate when people say things like ‘pick up the phone’ to voicemail because they’re so used to people screening calls in days of yore when there were answering machines and you could pick up the phone even after the message started. This is voicemail, people. It’s digital. And we can’t hear you when you’re leaving a voicemail anymore. Get to the point.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Five.

Ginger: That wasn’t the emergency. You still have to call me back.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Six.

Ginger: Seriously, this is STILL an emergency of the highest order! Well, okay, third highest order. Ten minutes ago, it was THE highest order, but it’s moved down. Actually, thanks to the internet, it’s probably more like fourth or fifth highest order. First highest order would be me in a puddle at the bottom of the stairs. Second would probably be me ingesting some poison accidentally. Third would be I’ve been taken hostage or something. Fourth…I don’t know, a tarantula laid eggs in my ear while I slept…and, then, fifth, this. CALL. ME.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Seven.

Ginger: I’m rethinking the high orders here – First is still puddle at bottom of stairs, SECOND is being taken hostage or whatever. THIRD is tarantula laying eggs in my ears. Fourth is I accidentally ingested some poison. Fifth is this. You still have to call me.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Eight.

Ginger: I cannot believe I forgot to include ZOMBIE ATTACK in the list of high orders of emergencies! Okay – First, me in a puddle at the bottom of stairs. Second, being taken hostage. Third – ZOMBIES. Fourth, tarantula eggs in my ear. Fifth, accidentally ingested poison. Making this emergency that you still have to call me back about number six. So. Call me. Call me now. RIGHT NOW.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Nine.

Ginger: I’m not bleeding to death. So, that makes this Sixth Highest Order Emergency. But now I’m also scared of tarantulas laying eggs in my ears. That may have to move up on the list.

Voicemail Lady: To save—Message deleted. Message Ten.

Ginger: I’m beginning to sound pathetic here. Why aren’t you calling me back? The Voicemail Lady and I are on a first name basis now. Did you know her first name is Darlene??

Darlene: To save—Message deleted. Message Eleven.

Ginger: Okay, seriously, emergency is over. But now you have to call me back so I can tell you a REALLY funny story about credit cards, nacho cheese, and Windex. Also? Tarantula eggs would not be laid in my ear. You can thank Wikipedia for stepping up when you refused to assist.

Darlene: To save—Message deleted. Message Twelve.

Ginger: …sorry. I…honestly tried to call my sister…

Darlene: To save—Message deleted. Message Thirteen.

Ginger: “Hey Peggy, it’s me. You are NEVER going to believe what happened to me today. I’m sitting at the unemployment office, waiting on my LOSER of a case worker, in one of those NASTY chairs, when from out of NOWHERE, this TOTAL STRANGER walks right up to me, sits down, then leans over and says something like, This is gonna sound a little obsessive…”

Darlene: To save—Message deleted.

Fly: So?

Ruby: Ginger re-evaluated emergencies and their ranking in her vision of the world, she named the voicemail auto-voice Darlene, she somehow managed to cover her credit card in nacho cheese and then successfully clean it using Windex, and then performed the opening to Everclear’s song Unemployed Boyfriend to make up for calling me when she meant to call her sister.

Fly: Ah. Where do zombies rank?

Ruby: Third, right after falling down the stairs and somehow getting taken hostage.

Fly: Well, that’s good that an actual emergency ranks above zombies.

Ruby: Yeah.

Fly: Do you have to call her back? Or can the codemented bus wait a bit longer?

Ruby: We can have dinner first.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s