E – None of the Above

Ruby: Ginger? Are you home?

Ginger: Yup. In here.

Ruby: What are you doing?

Ginger: Well, you know how I gave up on internet dating?

Ruby: You actually gave it a chance?

Ginger: Look, it’s not my fault that it didn’t provide results in the time I allotted it.

Ruby: Ginger, fifteen seconds doesn’t give anything time to provide results.

Ginger: It was forty-two seconds, Ruby, forty-two.

Ruby: I don’t know what I was thinking.

Ginger: ANYWAY, I was thinking about how I’m probably going to end up alone, sarcasm and bitterness just mounting and mounting upon themselves until the kids call me the Crazy Cat Lady and it occurred to me – I don’t have cats. So I thought I’d get started.

Ruby: You know computers don’t qualify as cats, yet, right?

Ginger: I found this website that matches your personality to the right cat.

Ruby: Crazy Cat Ladies of the world have united on the web?

Ginger: It’s called “Spinster.com” and I’ll let you help me answer some of these questions if you’re nice.

Ruby: I’m always nice.

Ginger: Oh. Right. I got you mixed up with me. Okay, now I am supposed to answer these as truthfully as I can and I’m having some trouble here. “When you wake up, do you prefer your cat to be A) awake, alert and ready to face the day at your side? B) snuggled closely under your chin, purring you back to sleep? C) glaring at you for taking up his/her favorite spot or D) casually indifferent about your existence?”

Ruby: Aren’t you allergic to cats?

Ginger: I’m torn between C – because it’s only right for the cat to glare back at me – and D.

Ruby: D? Casually indifferent about your existence?

Ginger: Well, it’s been my answer all along and I hate to ruin a streak.

Ruby: Let me see this. “When you return home from work, your ideal cat would be A) intertwining him/herself around your feet, mewling for your attention; B) ready to flee out the door, starting a game of ‘Catch Me If You Can’; C) glaring at you for disturbing the controlled atmosphere or D) casually indifferent about your existence.” Ginger, all the D answers are “Casually indifferent about your existence.”

Ginger: I know.

Ruby: As long as we’re clear.

Ginger: Ooh, last question. “When watching a movie, do you prefer A) the television screen blocked by your inquisitive cat’s head, B) your cat curled up on your lap, intermittently using you as a scratching post, C) to be glared at from on top of the television, D) a mix of all three.”

Ruby: There’s no E for None of the Above?

Ginger: Not that I see. Oh well. Here, kitty, kitty.

Ruby: What did you choose?

Ginger: D. Why break a casually indifferent streak?

Ruby: Good point. Well? How goes the results?

Ginger: Um. I’ve been viewed by four cats already.

Ruby: What? Already?

Ginger: Sure. Mr. Ticklyfur, Kitty-Kit-Kat, Sasha and Gerbert. Oh, Mr. Ticklyfur has rejected me because he is already pursuing an ownership with another match. Kitty-Kit-Kat feels we don’t have any chemistry, so she’s rejecting me and Sasha is not interested in ownership because she doesn’t feel we connect. That leaves Gerbert – oh, no, that will never do. He’s waaay too needy, you can tell by his profile.

Ruby: Wait, the cats can reject you?

Ginger: Well, sure. They’re cats. But that’s okay, I still have 97,426 matches left. There are a lot of casually indifferent cats out there.

Ruby: There’s Tiger…and Fluffy…Sophia…Rum Tum Tugger…

Ginger: See? Plenty of choices.

Ruby: I wonder if Fly would want to visit the site…

Ginger: If you do visit, make sure you don’t choose A’s all the way through.

Ruby: What happens then?

Ginger: The site tells you to admit you really want a dog and kicks you out.

Ruby: Wait, you actually answered all A’s?

Ginger: No, someone at work did. You look relieved.

Ruby: I am. If you answered all A’s that meant you weren’t being truthful.

Ginger: You’re saying I’m casually indifferent to your existence?

Ruby: Somewhere between that and glaring at the world for being in your way.

Ginger: Ooh, Tuxedo Paws just sent me a – blank email.

Ruby: You were expecting a series of ‘meows’ typed out?

Ginger: He’s so casually indifferent, he’s purr-fect.

Ruby: Oh, dear…


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