Earl Stanley Gardner Approves

Ruby: Ginger? Are you home?

Ginger: Yup, I’m in here.

Ruby: Oh, there you…what is that?

Ginger: What is what?

Ruby: That. The lion statue. What is it?

Ginger: That’s Earl Stanley Gardner.

Ruby: What is that?

Ginger: I don’t understand the question.

Ruby: Ginger, there’s a shrine to a lion statue in your living room.

Ginger: No, Earl Stanley Gardner is a lion statue on the top of my bookshelf. It’s not a shrine.

Ruby: Ginger…explain. Please. From the beginning.

Ginger: My brothers and I were at the store, we passed by the sale section and found the statue. I was drawn to him. I picked him up. I said to my brothers how wonderful he is. I pointed out that he looks like the unlikely murder weapon in a hard-boiled detective crime novel. They agreed. I admitted he’s lighter than he looks. They nodded. I said I wanted him, but I didn’t know where I would put him. They shrugged. I said I should put him down. They said it was up to me.

Ruby: And you didn’t put him down at all, you bought him and now here he is?

Ginger: No. I put him down. And then we walked on. And there he was again – on the shelf two aisles later. And then again, in another aisle. And then again, another aisle.

Ruby: Your brothers think they’re as funny as you think you are. I know this to be true.

Ginger: Does it matter? Earl Stanley Gardner and I were meant to be together. And so we are.

Ruby: Dare I ask…?

Ginger: Earl Stanley Gardner is the man who wrote the Perry Mason stories.

Ruby: …okay…?

Ginger: And so the lion is named Earl Stanley Gardner.

Ruby: Ah.

Ginger: I got Earl Stanley Gardner home and found he just…fits…on the top of that bookshelf.

Ruby: It’s…that is, he’s a little…imposing, Ginger…

Ginger: Yeah. My brothers keep quoting The Lion King.

Ruby: Right. So…it’s just a statue, right?

Ginger: What do you mean?

Ruby: Is it a cookie jar or a giant Pez dispenser or something?

Ginger: No. He’s just a statue.

Ruby: Okay.

Ginger: But I talk to Earl Stanley Gardner when I make my plans for the evening.

Ruby: Ah. Right. There it is.

Ginger: Earl Stanley Gardner never says anything negative to me – not even when I come home late. He silently supports me when I plan to go out and run some errands. Earl Stanley Gardner does not judge me for watching Supernatural or Archer or anything on Netflix.

Ruby: You know he’s – that is, it – is a statue, right? Statues don’t typically judge anyone.

Ginger: But when I told Earl Stanley Gardner this morning that I didn’t want to go to work this morning, Earl Stanley Gardner silently disapproved of my whining.

Ruby: Well, can you blame him?

Ginger: I only went to work because Earl Stanley Gardner made me go in. His silent treatment is really impressive.

Ruby: Sometimes, I can’t tell how much of your own delusions you actually believe and which parts you make up as you go.

Ginger: I want to be Earl Stanley Gardner when I grow up.

Ruby: You want to be a statue on a bookshelf forced to watch whatever TV shows the active and living people choose to watch?

Ginger: I don’t know what Earl Stanley Gardner does when I’m not at home. Maybe he and the other statues and statuettes I have play hide-n-seek. Maybe he sleeps. Maybe he watches my dvds. Maybe he watches TV he wants to watch. Maybe he recites Shakespeare. Maybe he re-enacts scenes from The Lion King with the others mentioned above. Maybe he basks in the sunlight squares on the rug far, far below him. He’s Earl Stanley Gardner – he is filled with awesome that is beyond comprehension.

Ruby: …okay, now I want to be Earl Stanley Gardner when I grow up.

Ginger: He is very inspiring.

Ruby: Clearly.

Ginger: Want to watch a movie?

Ruby: Are we choosing or is Earl Stanley Gardner choosing?

Ginger: All he ever wants to watch is Kimba the White Lion.

Ruby: Again, sometimes I just can’t tell how much of the delusions you believe and which parts you make up as you go.

Ginger: Does it matter?

Ruby: …we’re not watching Kimba the White Lion.


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