A Bourne Bond

Ginger: Ruby, are you home?

Ruby: Ginger, are you walking in my front door?

Ginger: It’s easier than scaling 19 floors and climbing in through the window.

Ruby: I’ll accept that.

Ginger: So. Are you home?

Ruby: How would we be having this conversation if I wasn’t home?

Ginger: Really incredible telepathic powers that you’ve been hiding from me all these years because you didn’t want to tell me about that time you were bitten by a radioactive psychic while holding a crystal ball in one hand and your cell phone in the other because you were embarrassed to be seen in a traveling circus psychic’s tent?

Ruby: I’m having a hard time accepting that.

Ginger: Was it the traveling circus part or the idea that you’d be embarrassed to tell me?

Ruby: I’m going to start with the “radioactive psychic” part and casually make my way through the rest of that later.

Ginger: You don’t know where psychics get their psychic powers. Maybe she was bitten by a radioactive crystal ball.

Ruby: I’m taking away your comic book collection.

Ginger: I’m just saddened that you would go to a radioactive psychic in a traveling circus and not take me.

Ruby: You are aware I did things before I met you, right?

Ginger: You wouldn’t have gone to a traveling circus without me, let alone pay good money to a radioactive psychic without me wheedling you into doing so.

Ruby: This is true. But, good news time: I didn’t do any of that.

Ginger: So you are home?

Ruby: Yes, Ginger, I am home and have been this whole time and I really am standing in front of you with the growing desire to smack you Gibbs-style.

Ginger: I’ll accept that.

Ruby: Why are you here?

Ginger: Do I need a reason?

Ruby: Why did you want to know if I’m home?

Ginger: Because you complain when I’m here and you’re not home.

Ruby: Because it’s creepy when you do that.

Ginger: It happened, like, once and you’re still on the “creepy” train?

Ruby: It happened, like, four times, Ginger.

Ginger: …oh yeah…I was hungry.

Ruby: Which time?

Ginger: Now. I was hungry and I thought “I’ll never make it home before I start gnawing on that guy’s wrist which is right in front of me so I should get off the train and go see if Ruby’s hungry, too.”

Ruby: Packed train?

Ginger: Dude’s wrist. Right in front of me. Mouth level. I could have picked his pocket and he wouldn’t have been able to notice.

Ruby: …okay, in addition to your comic book collection, I’m taking away your Leverage DVD’s.

Ginger: That wasn’t my inspiration. Matt was my inspiration.

Ruby: Matt?

Ginger: Oh, yeah, you know him as Matt Damon. I call him Matt.

Ruby: Ah. Because you’ve seen every one of his movies, you get to call him Matt?

Ginger: No. Because he and I have a bond that no one else has laid claim to, so I claimed it first.

Ruby: You know that’s not how…never mind. What’s the claim?

Ginger: He was born nine years and 364 days before me. Almost exactly 10 years. But not exactly 10 years. We have a very special bond. He probably doesn’t know in his head, but I’m sure he knows in his heart.

Ruby: Right.

Ginger: It’s a bond that defies language. It’s impossible to put it into words. There’s not even a name for it yet. But I’ll bet that radioactive psychic you never saw would be able to name it. Probably something like Près-de-dix-ans.

Ruby: The radioactive psychic is French?

Ginger: Yeah. Gypsy psychics don’t need to be bitten by radioactive crystal balls, Ruby.

Ruby: I’m so not following you down that road any further than I already have. Anyway, as the first person to ever lay claim to such a thing, I’m sure you get to name it.

Ginger: It defies language, Ruby. DEFIES.

Ruby: Well, okay, what does this magic bond do for you?

Ginger: I like any movie he makes. And I support him – from a distance – in his marriage. Up close, it would be stalker-ish. And I have no desire to meet him, because I’m sure it would just weird him out, but I’m very certain we’ve shared dreams.

Ruby: Really? How can you be sure?

Ginger: Because he’s never appeared in my dreams. Every other celebrity has made at least a cameo in my dreams, but Matt? No. So he has to be watching the same set of dreams.

Ruby: Yeah. I think I came up with a name for your special bond.

Ginger: It defies language, Ruby. Did you not hear me the first two times?

Ruby: I’m still going to name it.

Ginger: What are you trying to call this?

Ruby: Nonexistent.

Ginger: You’re just jealous because I have Matt. You won’t be jealous once I point out your celebrity nine-years-and-364-day-bond is.

Ruby: I’m actually a little scared that you thought this through for me, as well.

Ginger: Lucy Lawless. I may have Jason Bourne, but you have Xena.

Ruby: If I just play along, can we drop this?

Ginger: You have to play along and give me something to eat.

Ruby: There are snacks in the pantry to hold you over until dinnertime.

Ginger: Matt will be glad to know you take care of me. Or, he would be if we were linked while conscious.

Ruby: Lucy wonders where we went wrong with you.

Ginger: It was before you met me. I was beyond help by the time you came into the picture.

Ruby: I’ll accept that.


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