My Cookbook Is Out To Get Me.

Ruby: Hello, Ginger.

Ginger: Okay, the recipe calls for vanilla extract, but I just have Vanilla Coke. How do I separate the flavor from the carbonated beverage?

Ruby: It’s really easy.

Ginger: Okay.

Ruby: Have you started the oven yet?

Ginger: No, should I?

Ruby: No – not yet. Did you mix any of the other ingredients yet?

Ginger: The flour and the sugar. I didn’t have enough sugar, so I used some Pixie Stix to make up the difference – will that matter?

Ruby: Probably not, since I’m going to give you a work-around.

Ginger: Okay.

Ruby: Did you add anything else to the flour and sugar and Pixie Stix?

Ginger: The salt and baking powder.

Ruby: Okay. Now, tell me what the end product is supposed to be – just so I have a mental image of what you’re doing.

Ginger: It’s going to be a coffeecake I can take into work for a breakfast meeting thing. Everyone is supposed to bring something and coffee was, apparently, not something we needed to bring in.

Ruby: Okay. So, do you have coffee flavored ice cream?

Ginger: Um…yes. Yes, it’s right here.

Ruby: Great, you’re doing great. Now, the last time I was there, you had some flavored vodka in the freezer – is that still in there?

Ginger: Yes. It’s cookie-dough-flavored vodka. Should I pour that into the bowls?

Ruby: …before you do, I have to ask – what size bowl are you using?

Ginger: Well, I don’t have a large mixing bowl, which is what the cookbook claims I need, so I’ve been separating the ingredients into five cereal bowls. I figured I can just put that all into the pan when it’s ready and do one last mix then.

Ruby: Oh, good plan. And it’s really a baking pan?

Ginger: Um. It’s a frying pan. Will that matter?

Ruby: Not for what I’m planning. Okay, step one – place a generous helping of the coffee ice cream into two of your largest coffee mugs.

Ginger: Okay.

Ruby: Then pour some of the vodka over the ice cream.

Ginger: …okay…

Ruby: And then, when your doorbell buzzes in about forty minutes – traffic is awful right now – let me and the coffeecake I bought for you into your apartment and hand me the alcohol-drizzled ice cream that is for me.

Ginger: I’m seeing one flaw in this plan.

Ruby: Okay?

Ginger: Your ice cream may melt before you get here.

Ruby: This is true. You should probably spend the next forty minutes – give or take – throwing out the strange concoction you have developed in your cereal bowls.

Ginger: Yeah. That sounds like a good plan.

Ruby: I’ll see you in a little while.

Ginger: Thank you, Ruby. My cookbook just does not understand me the way you do.

Ruby: I know, Ginger. I know.

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