The Eyre of Withered Heights

Ruby: Ginger…what are you watching?

Ginger: Jane Eyre.

Ruby: Why?

Ginger: Because it’s a classic.

Ruby: Your mother finally demanded that essay you owe her from that 8th grade writing class, didn’t she?

Ginger: It’s not like I didn’t graduate college already. I have the diploma! …somewhere… I can clearly make it through life without knowing the full story of Jane Eyre.

Ruby: …what did you do?

Ginger: I might have made a comment about Jane Eyre running off with Heathcliff to Wildfell Hall.

Ruby: …you know you do this to yourself, right?

Ginger: Did you know Charlotte Brontë wrote more than one novel?!

Ruby: You are aware Wuthering Heights and The Tenant of Wildfell Hall are written by the other Brontë sisters, right?

Ginger: …I thought her full name was Charlotte Anne Emily Brontë.

Ruby: You are so lucky your mother didn’t assign more decades-late homework.

Ginger: Wait, which one of them wrote The Turning of the Screw?

Ruby: NONE of them.

Ginger: No wonder I enjoyed that one…

Ruby: Ginger…wait…this isn’t Jane Eyre.

Ginger: It’s not?

Ruby: This is a ZOMBIE movie!

Ginger: There’s a character in here named Jane.

Ruby: You can’t write a book report on a film version of a book if you watch a completely different movie than what the book is!

Ginger: Um. Yes, I can.

Ruby: How?

Ginger: As you pointed out, it’s been several decades since I was assigned this book report in 8th grade.

Ruby: …yes?

Ginger: And it’s been a long time since my mom read the book.

Ruby: …Ginger…

Ginger: So, she probably doesn’t remember what the book was about, either.

Ruby: Yeah, I think your mother will probably remember what the book was about.

Ginger: Why? It was boring.

Ruby: Because I know for a fact there were no zombies in Jane Eyre.

Ginger: You can’t be sure of that. When did you last read the book?

Ruby: Trust me. There were no zombies in Jane Eyre.

Ginger: But there was a vampire, right? In the attic?

Ruby: No.

Ginger: Werewolf?

Ruby: Not in the version I read.

Ginger: Huh. Then how did it get to be a classic??

Ruby: …obviously the Brontë’s paid people off to claim it’s a classic. Like the Emperor’s New Clothes, but with literature.

Ginger: That’s the only explanation I have. It’s up to me to be that little kid shouting about the emperor being naked.

Ruby: Or…and this is just a thought…you could actually read the book.

Ginger: …you sound like my mother now.

Ruby: On this? I’m flattered.

Ginger: …look, unless it turns out that the creepy arsonist in the attic turns out to be the secret wife of the lord of the manor and she’s crazier than the concept behind Drunk History AND eventually manages to kills everyone in a fiery blaze, this book is going to be worse than this zombie movie.

Ruby: …but what if it connects to Firefly?


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