Fictional Passport Not Required

Ginger: Do you know the definition of a stupid question?

Ruby: Does that qualify as answering your own question, or do I have to make an effort to enter this conversation?

Ginger: I was asked today if a word was spelled with a dash or a hyphen.

Ruby: …I’m sorry, what?

Ginger: What are you doing? Are you even listening to me?

Ruby: I’m trying to do a reverse phone search on my number…

Ginger: Why?

Ruby: I keep getting the wrong number and I want this to stop…or…at least be able to give out the right new number for the correctional facility…blast. It’s only listing me.

Ginger: You…have the old phone number…of a correctional facility…that now links to your phone…?

Ruby: Yes.


Ruby: No, it’s really not, I keep getting calls from people who are looking for information on the inmates.

Ginger: Do they ask using names or prison numbers? This is just so awesome – y’know what? Don’t answer that. I’m Too Excited About This!

Ruby: What, exactly, is exciting about the wrong numbers I have to answer?

Ginger: Are you serious? You can say “Oh, that inmate was transferred to The Cooler.” Or – better – make up codes! “Oh, him? He had a Code 2319 and now he’s waiting for a Code 1138 before we can grant him rights to plastic utensils again.”

Ruby: What kind of weird prison movies do you watch?

Ginger: Usually prison movies don’t have a realistic perspective from the warden’s side. Unless he’s crooked. Then there’s loads of movies…Shawshank Redemption comes to mind.

Ruby: Why do you assume this is the number to the warden’s office? There are…other…call centers…in a prison…I think…?

Ginger: It’s cooler if I think of you as the Fictional Warden. Next time I call you, I’m SO asking about Inmate 24601 or the current location of GPS Tracking Anklet 7345 – although, I’m not sure a correctional facility is in charge of that…but you’re fictional, so…it works.

Ruby: I’m so glad you can fictionally justify this for yourself.

Ginger: Me, too.

Ruby: Wait, hang on – Jean Valjean fictionally lived years before Neal Caffrey was issued a tracking anklet.

Ginger: I am so proud of you for knowing both those references. Also, we’re dealing with a fictional correctional facility…and you’re hung up on the centuries between Valjean and Caffrey. Wow.

Ruby: I think I’ve been hanging around you too much…

Ginger: I think you should have business cards printed up with your name on the top three lines and then your job title: Fictional Warden.

Ruby: Yeah, y’know what? You’re answering all my phonecalls where I don’t recognize the number from now on.

Ginger: SWEET! Does this make me Fictional Junior Warden? Or am I the Fictional Warden’s Assistant? I need to know for business card purposes.

Ruby: You can be Assistant to the Fictional Warden.

Ginger: Do I get a badge? A parking place with my name on it? A coffee mug?

Ruby: You have parking for your fictional car, but you don’t get your own space. Also, you will need to provide your own headset. Same with the coffee mug. But I’ll provide coffee.

Ginger: I am TOTALLY updating my college alum magazine with this! I’m so tired of listing myself as Office Lackey With Benefits…

Ruby: Yeah…I’m only giving you decaf from now on.

Ginger: Hey, boss, I may be in late today to answer the phones…traffic is killer…

Ruby: You take the train here.

Ginger: Yeah, but I fictionally drive a car to my fictional job. Fictional traffic was so bad…there was a fictional car collision. I think it was zombies.

Ruby: So, when I fictionally fire you, will you need a fictional reference?

Ginger: Actually, when you fictionally fire me, I’ll probably just open up a fictional comic book store.

Ruby: I’m so proud of you – your fictional self has a back-up plan.

Ginger: Also a five year plan. She is so way ahead of me on things.

Ruby: Planning on opening a comic book store is not a five year plan.

Ginger: It is if you’re fictional and suddenly concerned your fictional boss is thinking of fictionally firing you…when you thought you were fictional friends and everything. I can’t believe I almost offered to fictionally surrogate carry your fictional babies.

Ruby: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN – Ginger. We’re going to close the door on the fictionals now. Wave good-bye to them.

Ginger: Bye, fictional us!

Ruby: Okay, and now, we’re going to let them sort out their own fictional issues. And we will never speak of this again.

Ginger: Can I tell Lightbulb?

Ruby: ……….no. What part of “never speak of this again” were you not clear on?


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