My Phaser Has Never Been Set To Stun

Ginger: Oops. Oh! Never mind. I fixed it.

Ruby: …why am I scared?

Ginger: I don’t know – is there a ghost?

Ruby: What did you ‘fix?’

Ginger: Am I supposed to take that as ‘no, there’s no ghost; now moving onto a new topic, what did you fix, oh wonderful and kind friend of mine?’

Ruby: There is no ghost.

Ginger: Was there a snake?

Ruby: What?

Ginger: Was there a snake?

Ruby: No! There was no snake!

Ginger: A vampire?

Ruby: What is wrong with you?

Ginger: You asked why you were scared. I was trying to come up with reasonable answers.

Ruby: Since when?

Ginger: Since when, what?

Ruby: Since when do you attempt to come up with reasonable answers?

Ginger: Since you said you were scared! That is never the time to crack jokes!

Ruby: Also…

Ginger: Yes?

Ruby: SINCE WHEN IS A VAMPIRE A REASONABLE ANSWER??

Ginger: I don’t know what you’re doing over there! MAYBE A VAMPIRE CAME TO YOUR FRONT DOOR TO PROVE THEY’RE REAL!

Ruby: Oh, for the love of—

Ginger: Vampirism is a real thing, Ruby. People have been known to believe they are vampires. I’ve seen three TV crime drama episodes about it. One of them was Castle and Nathan Fillion was dressed as Malcolm Reynolds for the opening of that episode.

Ruby: Okay. Fine. Suggesting a human being who believes himself to be a vampire came to my door is a reasonable suggestion. But only because Mal Reynolds said so on Castle.

Ginger: …are you being sarcastic?

Ruby: YES.

Ginger: I thought I heard that in your voice.

Ruby: You didn’t miss it this time. I’m so proud.

Ginger: I know, right? It’s like your sarcasm is a phaser that you set to stun and aim at my head, but I always duck at the right moment.

Ruby: What other setting is a phaser set to?

Ginger: Stun. Freeze. Kill. Frappé. Redial. Mute.

Ruby: I so need that mute setting on default…

Ginger: Fly talks a lot, huh?

Ruby: And you ducked again…

Ginger: There was a shiny distraction. What else was I supposed to do?

Ruby: Why does your phaser have a ‘redial’ setting?

Ginger: In case I want to see who my phaser called last. Obviously.

Ruby: Right. Obviously. And frappé is in case your phaser suddenly becomes a blender?

Ginger: I think that’s for when my phaser realizes I need more coffee and it shoots out Frappuccino.

Ruby: Of course it does.

Ginger: Coffee sounds good right now, doesn’t it?

Ruby: Not really…I’m still drinking my tea. Weren’t you drinking tea just now?

Ginger: I finished it.

Ruby: Oh. Did you want another cup?

Ginger: No. Why would I want another cup? I totally drank the first one and didn’t spill it on the carpet and cover it up with old bridal magazines. I really drank it.

Ruby: …Ginger?

Ginger: I really want a cup of coffee. I’m just gonna go and get a cup of coffee on my way home because – gee, yawn – it’s getting late and maybe I’ll just skip the coffee and go home and rest because I’m suddenly very – BYE!

Ruby: *sigh*

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