It’s a Rhumba of Rattlesnakes…

Ginger: Ruby, did you know that a group of jellyfish is called a smack?

Ruby: Ginger, if you don’t stop looking up random facts like an ADD goldfish, I will have to group-of-jellyfish you.

Ginger: I’m sorry, but I’m bored. You said this would be fun and it’s not.

Ruby: I never said this would be fun. I said this was a fundamental part of owning a car.

Ginger: I stopped listening after the first syllable.

Ruby: I noticed.

Ginger: Why must the mechanics take so long?

Ruby: It’s an oil change, Ginger. If I had a garage of my own, we could have done this at home. Alas, my building’s elevator is not a car lift.

Ginger: Also, you got really mad when I spilled that blueberry milkshake on your carpet. I think you’d find a way to blame spilling motor oil on me, too.

Ruby: …that wasn’t a blueberry milkshake.

Ginger: It was blue.

Ruby: It was a blue raspberry slushie. It’s all sugar and food coloring. I think a blueberry milkshake might have come out of the carpet better.

Ginger: Well, now we’ll never know. The motor oil will probably ruin the carpet and possibly the floor underneath. You’ll have to replace the floor and the carpet and maybe even the ceiling of your neighbor one floor below.

Ruby: How would we replace the floor?

Ginger: Very carefully.

Ruby: How would I get the car up 19 floors in the first place?

Ginger: VERY, Very, very carefully. I’d recommend a crane.

Ruby: A crane? My car will not fit through the window.

Ginger: You’ll have to take out the wall. It’s okay, though, since you’re already replacing the floor. You might get a discount from the contractor if you do the whole living room all at once.

Ruby: But we were replacing the floor because of the motor oil that hasn’t been changed yet, since we only just raised the car up to the 19th floor and just now decided to take out the wall. We still have a floor at this point.

Ginger: Yeah, but maybe the contractor can take a look at your bathroom while you do the oil change and he can offer an estimate to redo that, since he’s already there to take out the wall, replace the floor and put a new wall up in the old wall’s place.

Ruby: What’s wrong with the bathroom?

Ginger: The toilet paper holder is on the wrong side of the toilet.

Ruby: …the toilet paper – NO, IT ISN’T. There’s no such thing as a “right side” and “wrong side” of the toilet!

Ginger: Is there a left side?

Ruby: Obviously, there’s a left side.

Ginger: Then there’s a right side. And where there’s a right side, there is also a wrong side.

Ruby: Nevertheless, I’m not redoing my bathroom just because you’re a creature of habit.

Ginger: But the contractor is already there. And what is he supposed to do while you do the oil change?

Ruby: He could talk to you about ridiculous facts about groupings of animals.

Ginger: Why would I be there?

Ruby: Oh, I thought you were paying him for all the work he’s doing to my home.

Ginger: Why would I pay him?

Ruby: Because you’re the one who hired him!

Ginger: I thought you wanted to change your oil in the comfort of your own home! What, I’m supposed to pay for the crane and the guys who came in and moved all your furniture out for the day, too?

Ruby: If you hired them, yes!

Ginger: I can’t afford all that!

Ruby: But now I have no wall, no furniture, no floor and a car that is dangling 19 floors above the street because the crane operator was only just told he’s not getting paid!

Ginger: …okay, fine. I’ll sell tickets to see your weirdo toilet paper holder and get your car down on the street safely.

Ruby: What about the missing wall? Or floor? And my furniture?

Ginger: Look, you’re going to have to learn to live without the wall and floor, okay? I had to let the furniture movers sell your furniture just to cover their labor and so they didn’t break my legs.

Ruby: Why would they break your legs?

Ginger: Because I bet on snake eyes – double or nothing! It was ALL FOR YOU, RUBY! I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE NICE THINGS!

Ruby: …did you know it’s a parliament of owls?

Ginger: It’s a business of ferrets.

Ruby: I think my car is done – if it is, want ice cream?

Ginger: Can I have a blue milkshake?

Ruby: Not in the car.


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