Onion Vigilantes Are More Popular Than Ever

Ruby: GINGER!!

Ginger: What?!

Ruby: GET IN HERE!

Ginger: You told me I’m not allowed in your kitchen unless I have adult supervision.

Ruby: GET. IN. HERE.

Ginger: You told me I am not allowed to come within five feet of the oven unless you are standing between me and the oven.

Ruby: I am standing in front of the oven. Now. GET IN HERE!

Ginger: Okay. What’s up?

Ruby: Why are the onions wearing tiny masks and capes and perched at various levels around my kitchen?

Ginger: Okay, first of all?

Ruby: WHY ARE THE ONIONS WEARING TINY MASKS AND CAPES?!

Ginger: That’s not actually my first question.

Ruby: I KNOW IT WAS YOU. Fly is not the type of person to painstakingly measure each onion, cut out a tiny mask and cape and then dress each individual onion and place them carefully in various corners, cabinets and on top of the refrigerator for me to find!

Ginger: That is also not actually my first question.

Ruby: I found seven of them. Is that your first question?

Ginger: Also, no. But I’m glad to hear you only need to find three.

Ruby: THREE MORE?!

Ginger: Can I ask my first question?

Ruby: …what? WHAT is your first question?

Ginger: How often have you heard your husband sing while he cooks?

Ruby: …what?!

Ginger: Did you know Fly sings while he cooks?

Ruby: Yes! Why is that your first question?

Ginger: Do you know what he was singing on Monday while he made that chili?

Ruby: No! Maybe! I don’t know – I can’t remember!

Ginger: It’s a song called I Never Harmed An Onion.

Ruby: Okay…

Ginger: The refrain is “But I never harmed an onion, so why should they make me cry?”

Ruby: …okay…

Ginger: Clearly, the onion is a vigilante and it is punishing the singer for crimes committed against other produce.

Ruby: …oh good gravy, you’ve been thinking about this song all week, haven’t you?

Ginger: Yes. Yes, I have.

Ruby: And now, my onions are ever vigilant and they will bring about swift justice for produce crimes left unpunished.

Ginger: Yes. Yes, they will.

Ruby: Where are the last three?

Ginger: One might be ready to pounce from inside your crock pot.

Ruby: I don’t have a crock pot.

Ginger: What’s that over there?

Ruby: That’s a colander.

Ginger: That’s what I meant.

Ruby: …that is why you’re not allowed in my kitchen without adult supervision, y’know.

Ginger: Also, I don’t think you looked very far into your spice cabinet.

Ruby: No, I saw there’s one protecting the dried chopped onion jar.

Ginger: Okay. Good. Then did you look in your toaster oven?

Ruby: No. That leaves one more.

Ginger: He’s probably the one hosting the party in your vegetable crisper with the shallots and celery. He’s the playboy of the Onion Squad.

Ruby: You have so many issues

Ginger: How is this news?

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