Ruby: GET IN HERE!
Ginger: You told me I’m not allowed in your kitchen unless I have adult supervision.
Ruby: GET. IN. HERE.
Ginger: You told me I am not allowed to come within five feet of the oven unless you are standing between me and the oven.
Ruby: I am standing in front of the oven. Now. GET IN HERE!
Ginger: Okay. What’s up?
Ruby: Why are the onions wearing tiny masks and capes and perched at various levels around my kitchen?
Ginger: Okay, first of all?
Ruby: WHY ARE THE ONIONS WEARING TINY MASKS AND CAPES?!
Ginger: That’s not actually my first question.
Ruby: I KNOW IT WAS YOU. Fly is not the type of person to painstakingly measure each onion, cut out a tiny mask and cape and then dress each individual onion and place them carefully in various corners, cabinets and on top of the refrigerator for me to find!
Ginger: That is also not actually my first question.
Ruby: I found seven of them. Is that your first question?
Ginger: Also, no. But I’m glad to hear you only need to find three.
Ruby: THREE MORE?!
Ginger: Can I ask my first question?
Ruby: …what? WHAT is your first question?
Ginger: How often have you heard your husband sing while he cooks?
Ginger: Did you know Fly sings while he cooks?
Ruby: Yes! Why is that your first question?
Ginger: Do you know what he was singing on Monday while he made that chili?
Ruby: No! Maybe! I don’t know – I can’t remember!
Ginger: It’s a song called I Never Harmed An Onion.
Ginger: The refrain is “But I never harmed an onion, so why should they make me cry?”
Ginger: Clearly, the onion is a vigilante and it is punishing the singer for crimes committed against other produce.
Ruby: …oh good gravy, you’ve been thinking about this song all week, haven’t you?
Ginger: Yes. Yes, I have.
Ruby: And now, my onions are ever vigilant and they will bring about swift justice for produce crimes left unpunished.
Ginger: Yes. Yes, they will.
Ruby: Where are the last three?
Ginger: One might be ready to pounce from inside your crock pot.
Ruby: I don’t have a crock pot.
Ginger: What’s that over there?
Ruby: That’s a colander.
Ginger: That’s what I meant.
Ruby: …that is why you’re not allowed in my kitchen without adult supervision, y’know.
Ginger: Also, I don’t think you looked very far into your spice cabinet.
Ruby: No, I saw there’s one protecting the dried chopped onion jar.
Ginger: Okay. Good. Then did you look in your toaster oven?
Ruby: No. That leaves one more.
Ginger: He’s probably the one hosting the party in your vegetable crisper with the shallots and celery. He’s the playboy of the Onion Squad.
Ruby: You have so many issues…
Ginger: How is this news?