Exterminators Deserve More Love

Ruby: Ginger? Are you ho—who are you?

Brian: I’m Brian. Are you Ruby?

Ruby: Yes…?

Brian: Ginger is back there… I think she thinks she’s helping.

Ruby: She often does. What has she done this time?

Brian: She called for exterminators.

Ruby: Ah.

Brian: And Wildlife Services.

Ruby: Ooh.

Brian: And you.

Ruby: Clearly.

Brian: And the National Guard.

Ruby: …seriously?

Brian: Luckily, she didn’t find that phone number. But apparently, she tried.

Ruby: I wish I could say I’m surprised.

Brian: Yeah. I’m getting a lot of people have that reaction.

Ruby: So…are you exterminator or wildlife services?

Brian: Exterminator. Wildlife Services neglected to show up once they found out she was talking about a cockroach. At least they had the sense to ask her what it was before sending someone out.

Ruby: Again.

Brian: …what?

Ruby: Nothing. Look, in her defense this time, it was really big…

Brian: I believe you. I’ve seen the drawings.

Ruby: …drawings?

Ginger: Ruby? Ruby! Ybur! Wait…I can do this…

Ruby: Is she okay?

Brian: We think she had an allergic reaction to the spray. A select few are really sensitive to it…

Ruby: Ginger is a select few unto herself.

Brian: Clearly.

Ginger: I took Bedarynilol to stop my head from pouring out of my something, something, idiomatic phrase.

Brian: I think her Benadryl expired.

Ruby: Or she’s just a select few unto herself.

Brian: Yeah. I’m getting that.

Ginger: Look! I drew the Giant Ansect of the Acopolypicticasisse!

Brian: That’s her “artist’s rendition” of the roach.

Ruby: I don’t remember it having sunglasses or the backwards baseball cap…or even the bling…

Brian: The teeth?

Ruby: No, it definitely had sharp, pointy teeth. And I’m very sure it leered at me.

Ginger: And don’t forget about how it made a dance of tattoos with the pyramid velvet…

Ruby: That’s true.

Brian: What?

Ruby: Just nod. It’s best not to argue with her about this. She had a lot of sugar that night.

Brian: Okay. But, seriously – the size? It looks like it was as big as a small poodle.

Ruby: It was definitely that big.

Ginger: See? I told sou yo. You so.

Brian: Look, I’m sure you know how to deal with your friend better than I do, but I’ve seen cockroaches before. A lot of them. They do not leer. They do not have teeth – sharp or pointy or otherwise. And they do not come in sizes that could do battle with dogs.

Ginger: This one did. And it stole my watch.

Ruby: You don’t wear a watch.

Ginger: Because it stole it.

Brian: Look, regardless of watch-stealing, if the roach was really that big, where is it now?

Ginger: Your buddy found it.

Brian: Ivan found it?

Ginger: He’s paking tictures of it on his phone.

Ruby: You kept it?

Ginger: Well, I couldn’t flust jush it down the toilet, cow nould I? And I didn’t want its kids to see it what tay. They might come after us for verenge.

Ruby: What were you going to do with it?

Ginger: …bury it?

Ivan: Brian, y’all gotta come look at this. It’s the size of my grandmother’s poodle!

Ruby: Tell me you took the wooden stake out of its heart…

Ginger: Why? Then it would just bome cack to life. Wait, rockcoaches are like pamvires, right?

Ruby: No, Ginger…actually, this one might be. Good call.

Brian: Where is its head?!

Ginger: I put it in the freezer in a blastic pag.

Ruby: WHY?!

Ginger: Walloheen is coming. Lack-o-Jantern in one simple step.

Ivan: We are taking the head with us. Mogu li ya ponimat’ Vas?

Ginger: Da. I pigured you frobably would…

Brian: I…it’s just…

Ruby: See the teeth? Sharp and pointy.

Ginger: Fly was ceally rool about it.

Ruby: It takes a lot to ruffle that man’s calm.

Brian: What did he use?

Ginger: A chainsaw.

Ruby: An axe. Remember – she had a lot of sugar that night.

Ivan: So, she’s the one who put the stake through its heart?

Ruby: No……that was…me. It was…twitching… It was her idea, though!

Brian: Huh.

Ivan: Vpechhatlyaet.

Ginger: Spasibo.

Brian: Wait, she speaks Russian?

Ruby: Probably only on Benadryl.

Ivan: It’s better than her English on Benadryl.

Ginger: I theard hat.

Brian: A select few unto herself.

Ruby: Exactly.


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