Lisa: Hi, this is Lisa and I’m glad you called GlobalComm! Can I have your account number?
Ginger: Hi, Lisa, I will give you my account number if you promise you’ll put down the script.
Lisa: I’m sorry? Can you give me that account number again?
Ginger: …yeah, fine. It’s 8675309-24601.
Lisa: Okay, let’s pull up that information, okay?
Ginger: Please put down the script, Lisa.
Lisa: I’m sorry?
Ginger: Stop reading from the script. I’m a human being, I assume you’re a human being, please put down the script and just talk to me.
Lisa: Okay, your account is up – can you verify some information for me?
Lisa: I need your Social Security Number, please?
Lisa: …I’m sorry?
Ginger: Why do you need that? Are you going to be paying me some amount of money that will make a difference in my Social Security payments after I retire? Or, will I be getting money back in my Social Security after I retire for all the years I paid for so-called service from GlobalComm?
Ruby: Ginger…be nice…
Ginger: Sorry. Lisa, I apologize, but I would really like it if you would look at the notes in my file.
Ginger: The first note says “Don’t read script to Ginger, she knows it by heart and corrected the grammar errors in it the first year used.” That note was entered by a man with the initials JF.
Ginger: The next note says “Breaks Internet. Mean Lady.” That note was entered by Tyler.
Lisa: …um, wait…did you work here?
Ginger: No. The next note says “No matter what, do not ask ‘Is there anything else I can do for you’ at the end of the conversation. She will come up with something you don’t want to do.” It was entered the first time by Joy, second by Kiram, third by John, fourth by Tyler, fifth by Dev, and at the end of this conversation, if you don’t pay attention to that note, by you. I’m pretty sure that, based on our brief interchange already, you’ll be adding a note to this page, as well.
Ruby: Ginger…be nice…
Lisa: So…your account confirmation has to be done for your safety…and for…uh…
Ginger: I can tell you the other notes that are also in my account file if you need me to verify it further. But I’m going to keep my Social Security Number to myself.
Lisa: …may I put you on hold?
Ginger: Are you going to put me on hold so that you can ask your manager if you need to push it with Ginger Blaze?
Lisa: Ma’am, I need to verify—
Ginger: What does the first note say, Lisa?
Lisa: …yes, I’m going to ask my manager if I have to ask you about your identification verification.
Ginger: Go for it.
Ruby: She put you hold?
Ginger: She put me on hold.
Ruby: This is why you delayed calling for internet support for so long, isn’t it?
Ginger: I hate that it will take twenty minutes to verify who I am, explain the problem, go through the steps I already tried, submit it to the next level, re-verify who I am, re-explain the whole problem, confirm we already tried the Idiot Steps, try the next round of steps and then either schedule an appointment for a technician to come out and fix things or finally connect me with Oliver, who can fix it with three keystrokes.
Ruby: Why don’t you just call Oliver in the first place?
Ginger: Because Oliver is a paranoid introverted high-functioning agoraphobic who watches too many spy movies to just give out his direct number.
Ruby: You proposed to him, didn’t you?
Ginger: I told him we could have different houses in different countries and I would handle the adoption and rearing of any children he wanted. He said his mother would never approve of that kind of marriage.
Lisa: Excuse me, Miss Blaze?
Ginger: Hi Lisa.
Lisa: We’ve verified your account.
Ginger: Oh, goodie. So we can move on?
Lisa: Yes. How can I help you today?
Ginger: …Lisa, put down the script.
Lisa: …I’m trying.
Ginger: Fair enough. My internet is not working. I’ve tried power-cycling the router, I’ve tried power-cycling the modem. It’s not working.
Lisa: Okay, so, when you say the internet is not working, what is the problem, exactly? Are you getting a connection at all?
Ginger: It takes up to five minutes to load any webpage. Last time, I was connected to Oliver in the Tower of Awesome and he switched me to a different connection channel to the satellite. That fixed it because there was too much traffic on the main connection channel.
Lisa: Okay, so it’s just a slow connection. Let’s see what can be done at my end…
Ginger: …are you remotely power-cycling the modem?
Ginger: Because I’m watching the modem lights and I’ve already explained to just…you remotely turned off the modem, Lisa.
Ruby: Give me the phone.
Ginger: Lisa, look at the notes one more time.
Lisa: Miss Blaze, I have to—
Ginger: Look at the notes one more time. Do you see the part where it says “When Ruby comes on the line, despair all hope of avoiding their combined wrath and, for the love of all that is good in this world, CONNECT THEM TO OLIVER?”
Lisa: …no…I don’t see that one…
Ginger: Type it in now. Sign your name. And connect me to Oliver.
Ruby: Ginger – give me the phone!!