History Lessons, ala Ginger

Fly: Ruby?

Ruby: Yeah?

Fly: …where is Ginger right now?

Ruby: She’s watching something on Netflix in the guest room. Her internet provider is punishing her so she’s slowly calming down here. Why?

Fly: Her phone was on the coffee table and she got a text.

Ruby: Okay…?

Fly: First of all, she should really put a lock on her phone.

Ruby: She did, but when she’s here, she turns it off to test my trust.

Fly: So…I failed?

Ruby: Yes. I won’t tell though. What’s wrong?

Fly: Y’know how we all think she’s an intelligent person?

Ruby: Yes…?

Fly: I think we were wrong.

Ruby: Why?

Fly: I couldn’t believe it, so I went back up the text conversation to try to figure out what is going on.

Ruby: Fly, honey, just tell me what’s going on.

Fly: She asked her brother if the Magna Carta was signed after Patton won Gettysburg.

Ruby: …huh…

Fly: He said it was, and that it was written by the last Czar of Russia – Vlad the Impaler.

Ruby: Interesting.

Fly: The conversation has gone on to detail how Moses had to explain to Aristotle why democracy doesn’t always work.

Ruby: Well…hang on…

Fly:  He explained it in France, to Aristotle and his band of Merry Men.

Ruby: …that is going a bit far…

Fly: But, don’t worry, the next text pointed out that the mafia would be put out if Aristotle and his Merry Men had been trying to operate in San Francisco, despite Aristotle’s Socratic Method really taking off when Sun Tzu met Billy the Kid.

Ruby: Wouldn’t it be the Aristotelian Method?

Fly: And, apparently, Cleopatra faced off against Marie Antoinette over responsible farming techniques, using used Starbucks coffee grounds for fertilizer.

Ruby: I hear it is an excellent use for the grounds…

Fly: But Van Gogh and St. Jerome managed to mediate that little spat with little bloodshed.

Ruby: There was some bloodshed? Who – wait, let me guess…Van Gogh lost an ear in the heat of the moment, didn’t he?

Fly: How did you guess?

Ruby: Which brother is she texting with?

Fly: …the displayed name reads “Chuppathingy King of Gypsies.” I didn’t know she was related to royalty.

Ruby: You know she puts names of friends and family in her phone under code names.

Fly: That statement doesn’t answer any of my questions.

Ruby: One of her brothers teaches. He might have been frustrated over someone’s lack of history knowledge. And once you get her going, it’s very difficult to stop what Ginger calls a Fun Train but you usually refer to as the Crazy Derailment of the 21st Century.

Fly: Rescue teams keep searching, but there have been no reported sightings of survivors.

Ginger: Oh, that’s too bad.

Ruby: He means you, sweetie. He thinks your sanity derailed and you’re just running on crazy juice.

Ginger: YOU HAVE CRAZY JUICE AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?! Oh, hey – that’s my phone!

Fly: Yes. Ginger…can you answer one question for me?

Ginger: Sure.

Fly: Do you know when the Magna Carta was signed?

Ginger: Like, time of day? No. Why, do you have a time machine and a plan to go back to June 15, 1215 and re-design the whole political establishment of the British Empire? Because, if so, you’re going to have to work on your sword-wielding skills. I’ve seen you Wii Fence. You’ll need a tutor.

Fly: Okay, first – no, you haven’t. Second – that’s not my plan.

Ginger: I don’t think you’ve thought this through. It was a different time back then, Fly. Might was right, no one spoke softly if they wanted to get things done without using that really big stick they were carrying and…oh, yeah…no one spoke English as it exists today. There was a lot more Latin.

Ruby: I tried to talk him out of it, Ginger, honestly I did. I’m glad you were here to support me on this. Did you finish re-watching all of Hemlock Grove yet?

Ginger: I had to take a bathroom break. I’m only three episodes away from the giant manta ray.

Ruby: Well, you let me know if you need anything. We won’t keep you. Oh – don’t forget your phone!

Ginger: Thanks! My brother and I are in a “how can we screw up history more” contest. So far, he’s winning, but I think I stumped him by involving St. Jerome.

Ruby: Have fun…

Fly: You sided…with Ginger…over your husband?

Ruby: Rescue teams found no survivors, but a leak from the Crazy Derailment was found infecting the local water source. All husbands in the nearest towns who forgot to take out the trash were discovered wandering the streets in a daze.

Fly: Point taken.


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