I Haven’t Seen It Yet, So There Are No Spoilers.

Ruby: You look really awake…

Ginger: …thank you?

Ruby: What I mean, is for someone who was up late, you look really awake.

Ginger: I’m up late every night. I showered this morning…is that what you’re talking about?

Ruby: No. I…Fly wanted me to come here and let you tell me all the spoilers so you get it out of your system before we have dinner tonight and that way you won’t ruin the movie for him.

Ginger: …what movie?

Ruby: What did you do last night?

Ginger: I wrote out 50 “holiday” cards for the people in my office. I ate leftover Thai food for dinner. I watched some TV. I drew mustaches on the faces of the models in a magazine I never wanted in the first place. I paid some bills. I went to bed.

Ruby: Is that where my leftover Panang curry went?

Ginger: …I’ll say no, but if there’s no Panang curry in your fridge tonight, you should assume Fly had it for lunch.

Ruby: Right. So you didn’t get dressed up and go see a movie…involving…a galaxy far, far away?

Ginger: I typically don’t go see movies on a school night.

Ruby: Yes, you do.

Ginger: Okay, I do, but those are special occasions.

Ruby: I would think the midnight release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens qualifies as a special occasion.

Ginger: It does. Which is why I’m going tonight. When I can sleep in tomorrow and recover fully from my gleeful happy dance which undoubtedly will occur when I see Han Solo and Princess Leia together on screen again after all these years.

Ruby: OH! I thought you were going to go last night!

Ginger: No. I may be a huge fan, but I do need to go to work so I can pay the bills on a regular schedule.

Ruby: …if it was a sequel to Serenity, though…

Ginger: I’d have taken today off work so I could see the midnight screening and go back to watch it repeatedly again today.

Ruby: Right.

Ginger: I mean, what were you expecting? A full synopsis of The Return of the Jedi from memory with my own personal comments interspersed throughout so that everyone is on board again with what happened when we last saw our heroes?

Ruby: Maybe…?

Ginger: Well, you already know that Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca, C-3PO, and R2-D2 all rescued Han Solo from the evil clutches of Jabba the Hutt.

Ruby: Right, but Leia got to kill Jabba.

Ginger: And Han Solo managed to help Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit, which tied up some loose ends there. After they left Tattooine…

Ruby: Again?

Ginger: Yes. Honestly, for the planet furthest from the brightest point in the galaxy, that planet shows up in these stories A LOT, even without counting the disowned prequels. It’s one of two planets that characters return to on a regular basis.

Ruby: The other one is Yoda’s planet, right?

Ginger: Dagobah. So, they left Tattooine and then Luke stopped off at Dagobah to confront Yoda about the rather surprising statement that Darth Vader made at the end of Episode V.

Ruby: “Luke – I am your father.”

Ginger: …yes. But then Yoda confirmed it…left another clue about there being “another”…and then died, being absorbed into the Force. Luke then had it out with ghost Ben Kenobi, who told Luke he has a twin sister –

Ruby: No! This is my shocked face!

Ginger: Really?

Ruby: Continue so I can contribute to the dinner conversation tonight.

Ginger: It’s real, Luke has a sister and you’ll NEVER guess who it is!

Ruby: Is it Leia?

Ginger: No. Better.

Ruby: Sure it’s not Leia?

Ginger: Who’s the Star Wars fan, here? I think it’s me.

Ruby: I think it’s you.

Ginger: So then Luke is all “…………….Leia.” YEAH. Boom, Ruby. Boom.

Ruby: She’s the only female character with a name in the entire galaxy so far.

Ginger: You’re shocked into dissolution of disbelief. I can tell. I’ll wait.

Ruby: I’m better.

Ginger: So then, armed with this knowledge, he goes and meets up with the rest of the Rebellion, where they learn the Empire has another freaking Death Star under construction. It’s like, wait, I have to wait three weeks to get the right size bolt to repair the frigging fan belt in my car’s engine, but you can build 84% of a SPACE STATION THE SIZE OF A MOON in the same amount of time?!

Ruby: You don’t have a car. Continue.

Ginger: I’d have a car if Ugnaughts ran Detroit.

Ruby: Didn’t you have to go to work today at some point?

Ginger: Anyway, everyone gets dressed up and head out to take on the Empire one more time – but this time, Lando is going to be flying the Falcon. Han is all “I got this weird feeling like I’m never going to see her again.” And we’re all like “……uh-oh.” But they go anyway. Han, Leia, Chewie, the droids, Luke, and some red shirts fly to this moon where there’s a forcefield shield thing protecting the new Death Star so they can take that down and then Lando, Wedge and Admiral Ackbar can destroy the Death Star again, where – get this – the Emperor himself is going to be chilling for a day or two.

Ruby: Wow. That is excellent timing on their part.

Ginger: Many Bothans died to deliver this.

Ruby: Right. A moment of silence in their honor?

Ginger: No time. The away team gets to the planet…

Ruby: You just crossed into Star Trek.

Ginger: Worth it. But there are these little fuzzy teddy bears who speak Tagalog who kidnap Princess Leia, then worship C-3PO, then become tiny adorable rebels and help take down the shield generator.

Ruby: I think you forgot something.

Ginger: OH! Right! Before they take down the shield generators, Luke talks to Leia and asks if she remembers her birthmother and she says “Yes, well, images, mostly. She was beautiful, but sad.”

Ruby: Right. Because, doesn’t every newborn have memories of their mother before she dies in childbirth?

Ginger: Ruby, I am ashamed that you saw the disowned prequels. But, exactly. Anyway, then he blabs that they’re twinsies! And she kinda freaks out a bit and then he says he has to go meet up with their dad –

Ruby: Who’s Darth Vader, by the way.

Ginger: Right, but she’s not into learning genealogy, apparently, so, she glosses over that pretty fast, and she lets him go and then Han shows up and she acts like a crazy person and doesn’t tell Han, who is just trying to be a good man…

Ruby: Poor Han. Moment of silence in his honor?

Ginger: I’ll allow it.

Ruby: Now?

Ginger: In the car, when I’m done telling you the rest of the story.

Ruby: Of course.

Ginger: Anyway, Luke goes to talk to Vader, who hands him over to the Emperor, who is apparently really into MMA, because he makes Vader and Luke fight and Luke cuts off Vader’s hand.

Ruby: I’m not sure that’s…completely accurate…

Ginger: It totally is. Vader’s all “aaaah! No! déjà vu! It’s robotic, but still kinda stings a bit!!” And then Luke throws his lightsaber away so that the Emperor will have to go get it himself.

Ruby: I’ve seen children try this before. It never works.

Ginger: Yeah, it didn’t work for Luke, either. The Emperor starts shooting lightning bolts out of his fingertips and electrifies Luke, who calls out to Vader, who picks up the Emperor and throws him over the balcony that leads down some creepy electrical shaft, just about at the same time that Lando – remember? He was going to try to destroy the Death Star II? – and his team of X-wings shoot the reactor core in the dead center of the space station.

Ruby: And, man, is BURN-E annoyed about THAT.

Ginger: Right, then everyone is trying to evacuate, Lando breaks some pieces off the Falcon in his escape, Luke sees his father’s face and manages to not compare him to the Phantom of the Opera, so, points there.

Ruby: He wasn’t into tanning, okay? Leave the man alone.

Ginger: …and Leia FINALLY tells Han she’s Luke’s sister – but not about how Vader is her daddy, because you can only hit someone with one ton of bricks at a time…and everyone parties to the Ewoks’ biggest hit of 1983 – “Yub Nub.”

Ruby: I miss that song sometimes.

Ginger: I do, too.


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