Nate Ford Deserves A Road

Ruby: Good morning, this is…Ginger, I can’t talk right now – I have real work to do.

Ginger: Then why did you answer the phone?

Ruby: Because I thought you were someone else, now I’m going to hang up because I’m doing real work. We’ll talk later, okay?

Ginger: No, this is important – if you hang up on me, I’ll email and text you repeatedly and distract you from your supposed ‘real work’ until you give up and answer me.

Ruby: …how long will this take?

Ginger: The sooner you let me start, the sooner you can let me go.

Ruby: Fine. What is it?

Ginger: I’m trying to update a report with someone’s handwritten notes and she’s out of the office today and I need to do it today, so I need you to help me on just one or two of these.

Ruby: How will I help over the phone if they’re handwritten notes?

Ginger: Trust me. You’ll help.

Ruby: Fine. Hit me.

Ginger: Okay, the first note is under the heading “Facility Maintenance.” Keep that in mind.

Ruby: Fine, let’s go, what is it?

Ginger: I’m reading “human sesame spiffy crotch game.”

Ruby: …….I’m sorry, what?

Ginger: That’s, honestly, the best I can offer you.

Ruby: Let’s come back to that.

Ginger: Okay, under the heading “Orientation,” it says “self water quote.”

Ruby: That’s…obviously…an attempt to…estimate one’s personal water usage.

Ginger: Why is it under “Orientation?”

Ruby: Well, when one is…being introduced to a…new…facility of sorts…the estimation of one’s personal water usage…is….necessary to balance…future…water bills.

Ginger: What is “bark independence with spiffy topic seduces,” then?

Ruby: This report uses the word “spiffy” a lot. Are you sure you’re using the right letters?

Ginger: What else could it be? Spilly? Spissy? OH! It’s “SPECIFY!”

Ruby: Okay. That’s…interesting…

Ginger: “Bark independence with specify topic seduces!”

Ruby: That didn’t really clear anything up.

Ginger: “Human sesame specify crotch game!”

Ruby: I don’t even want to touch that. Or ever hear that again. Ever.

Ginger: Huh…

Ruby: Okay, look, I have to get going…

Ginger: Um, Ruby?

Ruby: What?

Ginger: How are streets named?

Ruby: This is what I do not have any time for, Ginger.

Ginger: I’m pretty sure this address says “Nathan Ford Road.”

Ruby: …okay?

Ginger: Nathan Ford was Timothy Hutton’s character on Leverage.

Ruby: …okay, now your question makes sense.

Ginger: Did someone love the show so much they named roads in this small town after Leverage characters? Does Nathan Ford Road intersect Sophie Devereaux Boulevard?

Ruby: …it probably connects Hardison Way with Parker Lane.

Ginger: And Eliot Drive is that unpaved gravel track that leads to a cabin deep in the woods with a soundproofed “garage.”

Ruby: But the cabin’s kitchen is gorgeous and the knives are always sharp.

Ginger: The “no trespassing” signs are not to be dismissed easily.

Ruby: That goes without saying…

Ginger: And there’s Bonanno Plaza.

Ruby: Chaos Dump?

Ginger: Badger Hollow…

Ruby: Except his name was Sterling on Leverage.

Ginger: …Archer lives in Badger Hollow?

Ruby: THIS IS WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! You drew me in with an actual work problem that you claimed you needed assistance with and then, somehow, you magically got me off-track and arguing about insane illogical leaps of fancy from one TV show to the next! I’m done and I’m hanging up on you!

Ginger: You can’t be done! You still haven’t solved the mystery of “Bark independence with specify topic seduces!”

Ruby: I can be done and I am!


Ruby: ………………….well, obviously, there is. But it’s the main thoroughfare that connects to Jacob Stone Drive, which is where Eliot Drive becomes the paved road and all the other Librarian streets are.

Ginger: Thank you.

Ruby: Please let me get back to my real work now?

Ginger: OH! “Back independence while specify total sums!”

Ruby: …I’m hanging up.

Ginger: I don’t blame you.


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