Hold, Please…

Ginger: Good morning, this is Ginger.

Dorothy: Hi, Ginger, Dorothy here. I’m having difficulty understanding something here.

Ginger: Okay, how can I help you?

Dorothy: Why won’t your company provide me with a list of its current customers who no longer do business through my group?

Ginger: Well…um…are you…wait, you’re serious?

Dorothy: Of course. They used to do business through my group, but I can’t seem to find anyone in your company who will give me a list of them.

Ginger: Well, that’s probably because it’s illegal.

Dorothy: No, it isn’t. That’s ridiculous.

Ginger: Okay, well, that’s sort of just your opinion.

Dorothy: Look, we used to work with these customers. I just need the list of who they are.

Ginger: Don’t you already have a list or bits of other trash you pulled from your dumpster dive or a database or something of your own?

Dorothy: Well, of course we have a database of former clients, I just don’t want to appear to be working with your company if they aren’t still with your company. I just need that list.

Ginger: Well, you’re going to have to work with the database you already have on hand. Because we can’t just hand out a list of our customers.

Dorothy: …did you ask if I dumpster dive?

Ginger: No.

Dorothy: Look, they used to work with both of us.

Ginger: And for reasons beyond you, they chose to leave you behind.

Dorothy: …what are you – you know, I was told you’re the person to call for actual help.

Ginger: Yeah. I’m going to say this once, and then I’m going to hang up on you if you persist in following this path – Your Request Is Ridiculous Because It Is Illegal And I Will Not Help You.

Dorothy: Who is your manager?

Ginger: Allow me to transfer you. Please hold.

Ruby: This is Ruby.

Ginger: Hi, how’s your day?

Ruby: Fine…what’s up?

Ginger: Not much. Hey, hypothetical question for you.

Ruby: I hate it when you start off with that. It’s never hypothetical. You do know that “hypothetical” does not mean “I’m currently doing this, but I want someone to tell me it’s okay to do it even though I am 99% sure it’s very wrong morally, ethically or legally,” right?

Ginger: Yes. It just sounds better than “Hey, Ruby, I have someone on hold and I’m planning on leaving her there until I feel she’s been subjected to my customized hold music long enough and then I’ll tell her that my manager left for the day unless you tell me that I should actually put her through to my manager anyway because she’s just going to complain that I won’t do what I’m not legally allowed to do anyway.” Also, it’s shorter.

Ruby: What is she asking you to do?

Ginger: It really doesn’t matter, since I already know it’s illegal and her name is not Fiona, Parker, Sophie, River, Kaylee, Inara, or Zoe.

Ruby: If her name was Fiona and she asked you to do whatever illegal thing she’s asking you to do, you’d do it?

Ginger: She’d have to prove she’s the Fiona from Burn Notice by answering a series of character-based questions.

Ruby: Ah. Of course.

Ginger: Yeah. It’d be for a good purpose, because Michael Weston doesn’t ask Fi to do anything like this for bad purposes. So I’d feel okay about doing it.

Ruby: What’s your customized hold music?

Ginger: I can put you on hold and tell her I’m trying to track down my manager.

Ruby: Go for it. I can’t wait to hear this.

Ginger: Please hold. Dorothy?

Dorothy: …yes?

Ginger: I’m just trying to find my manager – he was in his office a moment ago. Do you mind holding just a little bit longer?

Dorothy: Actually…um…I think I’m okay. I’ll just…thank you for your time.

Ginger: Are you sure?

Dorothy: …yes…

Ginger: Okey-dokey. You have a good day, then.

Dorothy: …yes…thank you…you, too.

Ginger: Kay. Bye. Rubes?

Ruby: …I think I have to call my mom…and my sister…and my husband…

Ginger: It does a good job, doesn’t it?

Ruby: How did you…I mean…that’s not…I think I have to call my mommy…

Ginger: Yeah…subliminal guilt-trip music. It’s something I’m a bit proud of.

Ruby: Do you listen to it? Ever?

Ginger: I tried once, but it just doesn’t compare to Mom.

Ruby: Yeah…I can see that…

Ginger: You gonna be okay?

Ruby: Yeah…I’m just…I’m gonna call my sister…and my mom…and Fly…

Ginger: Okay. Thanks for helping me with that little hypothetical question of mine!

Ruby: Wait – how did that go?

Ginger: Oh, she decided she didn’t want to talk to my manager after all. I think she’s calling her mom, now, too… Weird.

Ruby: Yeah. Ginger…?

Ginger: Hmm?

Ruby: You really could take over the world if you would just focus.

Ginger: I’ve been telling you that for years! Oh! There was something I was going to ask…it was about a movie…or a book…or if I could come over for dinner…

Ruby: Yeah…okay…bye, now…see you at dinner…

Ginger: Bye…

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