I Ain’t ‘Fraid of No Ghosts – Director’s Cut

Ruby: Fly?! FLY?!

Ginger: I’m packing! You can’t make me stay here! I’m packing and I’m leaving and I’m not coming back here ever again!

Ruby: FLY?! WHERE ARE YOU!?

Fly: I’m right here – what’s wrong?

Ruby: We have to leave. I don’t care if your medical conference is still going on – Ginger and I are leaving town and we can’t come back here no matter what!

Fly: What did you do this time?

Ginger: ME?! I didn’t do ANYTHING! Your WIFE did it!

Ruby: I didn’t start adding adjectives to Bill’s stories!

Ginger: He sounded like he was incapable of telling a story outside of tax forms! He needed help! I thought…

Fly: Someone needs to start from the beginning or we’re never bringing friends along on medical conference weekends again.

Ruby: I told you he’d threaten that!

Ginger: If he only goes to haunted cities for his medical conferences, I don’t wanna come with anyway!

Ruby: And you’d leave me to the ghosts?

Ginger: You’re a very brave woman, Ruby. I trust you around ghosts more than I would – SALT!

Fly: You trust Ruby around ghosts more than you would salt?

Ginger: The Winchesters always use salt to keep ghosts at bay!

Ruby: I’ll call room service!

Fly: You will NOT! Stop! Everyone stand still!

Ginger: Is it behind me?!

Ruby: I don’t see it! What about me?!

Fly: Both of you –  Sit Down.

Ruby: ‘kay.

Ginger: ‘kay.

Fly: Now. Ruby. What did you two decide to do today?

Ruby: It’s all her fault – she wanted to do a ghost tour of the city!

Ginger: You went along with it! And who knew sunset would be the creepiest time of day?!

Fly: Ginger – your time to speak will come shortly. Ruby – do not place the blame on her. It won’t help you in the long run.

Ruby: Okay. Fine. We asked the concierge what we could do in the city without a car and he gave us a bunch of brochures and one of them had a listing for a guided walking ghost tour starting at the art museum.

Ginger: But you had to call to make reservations.

Ruby: That’s why we texted you, asking if you would be back before nightfall.

Fly: That makes sense now.

Ginger: We were able to get into that group – the one that starts at sunset. But the tourguide – his named was Bill – was awful!

Ruby: We thought…

Ginger: Every story he told us was predictable, and dragged in all the wrong places and I swear he didn’t know what an adjective was. So…I started putting them in for him.

Ruby: Which was entertaining. So, we started adding sound effects, too.

Ginger: The other people in the group seemed to enjoy the way we were telling the stories–

Ruby: You know how good we are at making each other terrified of our own closets?

Fly: When the Wonder Twins activate powers together, the world should cower in fear?

Ginger: Pretty much. Only, less Form-Of-Water-Based-What-Have-You and more Form-Of-Terrifying-Beast-Thing-From-Other-Dimensions-Who-Are-Attracted-To-Blondes-Named-Susan.

Fly: The tourguide got jealous, didn’t he?

Ruby: Can you blame Bill? When Ginger gets going, she freaks herself out.

Ginger: And Ruby’s timing is impeccable. She gets the audience just eating right out of her hands and then, just when they think they still have time to fly away, she SMASHES the cage of fright down over them and they’re trapped by their own terror!

Fly: So, what did Bill do to you in return?

Ruby: The tour was over and he was thanking us for helping him out…

Ginger: He said he hadn’t been able to tell a good ghost story in a while and that was why he’d switched to the earlier tour set…well…that and…then he shook his head and said “Nothing.”

Ruby: But we pressed him…like the fools we were…

Ginger: And he finally told us…about a month back, he was doing the tour – just like normal, y’know?

Ruby: And there was a guy who hadn’t said anything, standing at the back of the group, with these eyes…

Ginger: It freaked him out a little, but the guy was a paying customer, y’know? So, Bill just kept telling the stories the way he was taught them. Until he got to a hotel…

Ruby: Our hotel…

Ginger: We hadn’t told him where we stayed. He said the name of the hotel and we both gave him this look…

Ruby: And Bill admitted he doesn’t tell the story on the tours anymore. He guessed we were just confused because he hadn’t told the story on the tour.

Ginger: We played along, but asked for the story anyway…

Ruby: Like the fools we were…

Ginger: Turns out this hotel is over 100 years old. And the man who built it used to host this great fancy ball in the main ballroom on the top floor – for his wife, who loved to dance.

Fly: There is no ballroom on the top floor.

Ginger: That’s what we said. He said “Not anymore, there isn’t…”

Ruby: You see, the man hated to dance, and that was why he only hosted the ball once a year. But to keep his wife happy, he would always have musicians in the ballroom, ready to play for her and her friends to dance.

Ginger: She had this one friend – a widow who had insisted she had no desire to remarry – who lived in the hotel. The two ladies would make their way to the ballroom and dance for hours.

Ruby: Most nights, they wouldn’t return to their bedrooms until well past midnight.

Ginger: This upset the husband…he wanted to be with his wife, you see, but she would return to bed too tired to do anything but sleep…and when she woke, she would go directly to the ballroom to dance more.

Ruby: And then, one day, he went to the ballroom…

Ginger: On a whim…

Ruby: To see his wife…

Ginger: He hoped to surprise her…

Ruby: To see her happy…

Ginger: To see her dance…

Ruby: To see her enjoying the comforts he had worked to give her…

Ginger: But what he saw…

Ruby: It shocked him to his very core…

Ginger: It hurt him so deeply…

Ruby: It made him go mad…

Ginger: Something in his brain snapped…

Ruby: It clicked…

Ginger: It turned from love…

Ruby: To rage…

Ginger: The women were not dancing…

Ruby: They were with their lovers!

Ginger: The violinist was not tickling the fiddle!

Ruby: The pianist was not tickling the ivories!

Ginger: The husband was infuriated!

Ruby: The husband was beyond sanity!

Ginger: He grabbed the nearest object –

Ruby: A bronze statuette of a dancing faun –

Ginger: And ran towards the four with malicious intents!

Ruby: When he was found by the hotel staff, hours later, he was a shell of his former self.

Ginger: Weeping silently, catatonic and unresisting, he was led to his suite of rooms several floors below.

Ruby: The hotel staff loved their employer – he was a kind and good man. They couldn’t stand to see him go through the shame of a public trial.

Ginger: So instead of calling the police…they set fire to the entire ballroom…

Ruby: And called the fire department.

Ginger: The hotel owner lived out the rest of his days, catatonic in his grief…and guilt.

Fly: And so now the ghosts of these people haunt the very hallways of this hotel?

Ruby: That’s what the original story was.

Ginger: Then Bill went on to explain that the last night he told the story, the man at the back of the group…

Ruby: The man with those eyes…

Ginger: He grew very agitated at the story and everyone in the group became uncomfortable.

Ruby: So uncomfortable, Bill couldn’t finish the story – the part about the current staff and guests hearing waltz music coming from the roof …

Ginger: And so Bill moved the group along. When they got to the next stop, he noticed the strange man was no longer there. He waited, thinking the man was lagging behind, and would show up soon.

Ruby: But the man never appeared.

Ginger: The group pressed Bill to continue on without the strange man.

Ruby: So he did. But he kept looking back, waiting for the man to catch up. When he returned the group to the museum, he mentioned to the reservations woman that he had lost one of the group…that he had only come back with five.

Ginger: And the reservations woman gave him a strange look…he had only left with five.

Ruby: Upon questioning, none of the people in his tour had any memory of the strange man.

Ginger: So Bill…

Ruby: Fool that he was…

Ginger: Went back to the hotel, where he had last seen the man…

Ruby: Fool that he was…

Ginger: And saw the man waiting for him…

Ruby: Waiting to tell him something…

Ginger: Something of great importance…

Ruby: It was the husband’s ghost!

Ginger: He never murdered his wife…

Ruby: He never murdered anyone…

Ginger: He found his wife – his beloved wife – dead in the ballroom.

Ruby: He found her friend – dead.

Ginger: He found not two, but four musicians – dead.

Ruby: And he found their murderer waiting in the corner.

Ginger: The widow-friend wasn’t a widow after all…and her husband had found her finally.

Ruby: And he tried to force her to return with him to their home.

Ginger: But when she resisted, he attacked her!

Ruby: And the musicians tried to intervene!

Ginger: But this man was very strong and he fought back.

Ruby: In the end, he had killed everyone in the room.

Ginger: And the husband – the one who had been the scapegoat of the murder of four people in the original story – he saw red.

Ruby: He did kill someone, but it wasn’t his wife.

Ginger: He killed his wife’s murderer!

Ruby: And his ghost wants to be with his wife once more!

Ginger: And he wants the truth to come out!

Ruby: And he’ll catch you any way he can to tell you his tale!

Ginger: Even if it puts you into a catatonic state of your own!

Fly: …And this scared you?

Ruby: Well…

Ginger: Um…

Ruby: It…was scarier when Bill told it to us…

Ginger: I guess with the lights on it’s not as scary…

Fly: Great. Can we go to dinner now?

Ruby: Yeah…

Ginger: I feel like Buffalo wings…

Ruby: Ooh, those sound good!

Ginger: Right?

Fly: You two go ahead, I’m just going to grab my wallet.

Ruby: Okay, we’ll wait by the elevator.

Fly: Be right there…(dials phone) Hey, Bill? Good job on the ghost story! Yeah…they’re headed to the elevator now.

Ruby & Ginger: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Fly: (into phone)…perfect. I could hear them all the way back here! Great job, man, I owe you one. See you tomorrow.

Ruby: FLY!!!!!

Ginger: GET THE SALT!!!

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