But The Cannibals Are Friendly

Ruby: Ginger?

Ginger: I’m in here.

Ruby: Listen to me very closely – cannibals are not what you think they are.

Ginger: Excuse me?

Ruby: Finding some cannibals in your backyard will not make you more popular.

Ginger: I don’t have a backyard, Ruby…I live in an apartment. The closest I have to a backyard is a cement slab where the garbage dumpster sits.

Ruby: Growing cannibals is not a horticultural hobby you need to take up.

Ginger: I didn’t even know I could grow cannibals. Are they like sea monkeys? I just mail some stamps and $12.50 to a P.O. Box in southern California or something and then I get the grow-pack?

Ruby: Cannibals are still illegal in all 50 U.S. States.

Ginger: Why would you think I need to hear all of this?

Ruby: And, Ginger, please pay attention. This is probably the most important part of all. No matter what, it is very important that you never try to smoke a cannibal.

Ginger: ………..we’ve really gotten into a weird conversation, Ruby. I’m very concerned about your perception of me.

Ruby: I heard a woman on the elevator at work today tell her friend on the phone that she found some really big cannibals growing in her backyard and that she only knew what it was because her boyfriend took a picture of the plant on his phone and did a Google search.

Ginger: Cannibals aren’t a plant.

Ruby: I know. It took me a while to figure out what they thought they were growing.

Ginger: Canna…leis lilies?

Ruby: Not quite, but I do admire your innocence. Anyway, after they tried harvesting this plant, she said they had this awful rash and the doctor told them it was poison sumac, not cannibals.

Ginger: I bet she wished her boyfriend was a better Googler after that.

Ruby: All I could think about was how hard her doctor had to work to keep a straight face as he explained to her what a cannibal really is.

Ginger: Well, Ruby, I think someone should remind her doctor of that famous Dorothy Parker quote. He’d probably really like it.

Ruby: Which quote, exactly?

Ginger: You can lead a horticulture…

Ruby: Right. Yeah. Did you figure out what word she was trying to use yet?

Ginger: Cannon balls?

Ruby: ……yes. She thought there were cannon balls growing in her backyard.


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