Cheating Is Not A Strategy!

Fly: Hey, I’m back from the store…what are you doing?

Ginger: I’m waiting for Ruby to admit we can just play Bananagrams, but Ruby is enacting her right to practice futility.

Ruby: I’m trying to find a game we can play.

Fly: All of us, or just the two of you?

Ginger: Originally, the two of us, but hey – now you’re home, so…Fly? Wanna help me convince Ruby to play Bananagrams?

Fly: We play that a lot, Ginger…

Ruby: That’s what I told her!

Fly: Okay…?

Ginger: And then I suggested Tic Tac Toe.

Ruby: And I said we could do better than Tic Tac Toe.

Ginger: But we really can’t, because Tic Tac Toe is the only game that can avert World War Three.

Fly: According to War Games.

Ruby: Don’t encourage her.

Fly: What game did you suggest?

Ruby: Stratego.

Fly: Oh, that’s a fun game…

Ruby: Until you play against Ginger.

Ginger: Hey! I am honest about….my habits.

Fly: What habits?

Ruby: Have you ever played Battleship?

Fly: Yes.

Ruby: Against Ginger?

Fly: No. Why?

Ginger: Boats MOVE, Ruby. They don’t stay in one place when someone is firing torpedoes at them!

Fly: Got it – never play Battleship against someone who moves her ships.

Ruby: Y’know how in Stratego, you can set bombs?

Fly: …bombs don’t move, Ginger.

Ginger: Okay, sure, but in Labyrinth, they can walk.

Ruby: For the hundredth time, Ginger, fantasy films do not a strategy make!

Ginger: For the hundredth and one-th time, Ruby, PROVE IT.

Fly: Hundred and first time.

Ruby: That’s not helping…she’s doing that on purpose to distract us.

Fly: Right. Sorry. The bombs in Labyrinth had tiny feet and legs.

Ginger: So do the bombs in Stratego!

Ruby: I TOOK THE MAGIC MARKER AWAY FROM YOU!

Ginger: IT WAS A LITTLE LATE, RUBY!

Fly: …the bombs in our Stratego game have legs and feet on them now, don’t they?

Ruby: How’d ya guess?

Fly: If you’re so inclined to draw, we can play Pictionary.

Ginger: YES!

Ruby: NO!

Fly: What? Why?

Ginger: I love Pictionary! Who’s on my team?

Ruby: OH! YES! I’m on Ginger’s team!

Fly: …on second thought, and upon viewing the tiny feet and legs on the bombs – sorry, does this bomb have an ankle tattoo of a peace sign?

Ginger: Obviously one of the bombs has to be a pacifist.

Fly: We’re not playing Pictionary. Unless money is on the line. And you’re our ringer. Against another couple.

Ruby: I told you he’d say that.

Ginger: I guess we’re back to playing Bananagrams.

Fly: We have a closet full of games. I’m sure we can find something to play that Ginger cannot crack the absurd logic on how her version of cheating is not….Bananagrams?

Ruby: WE HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF GAMES.

Ginger: And I have a strategy for each and every one of them.

Ruby: …waiting until I go to the bathroom and then shifting the board so I’m losing is not a strategy.

Ginger: Not when your sister tries it. She’s like an amateur. There’s a technique that can only be honed and perfected by years of siblings with an overwhelming obsession to find the one game I cannot cheat while playing.

Fly: How big was the celebration when Bananagrams was finally placed into your hands?

Ginger: There was great rejoicing. Mostly from Mom…

Ruby: …Settlers of Catan!

Ginger: Sure.

Fly: Really?

Ginger: Yeah, I’ve been practicing a disappearing coin trick and I want to see if it works on those tiles…

Ruby: Is Tic Tac Toe still an option?

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The Cap Strikes Back

Ginger: Ruby?

Ruby: Yes, Ginger?

Ginger: I think Captain America is stalking me.

Ruby: I think it’s the other way around, Ginger.

Ginger: Look, look, look – here’s a picture of me at the convention last year – who is that in the background?

Ruby: A man dressed as Captain America.

Ginger: And here, look, my computer desktop? Who do you see?

Ruby: An image of Captain America. Isn’t that a cardboard cutout you placed in the hallway to scare your sister-in-law?

Ginger: Not the point. And look! Here!

Ruby: …those are popsicles, Ginger.

Ginger: Yes. But what colors are they?

Ruby: …Ginger, they’re popsicles. They can be all sorts of colors. Those happen to be red, white and blue.

Ginger: And who else wears red, white and blue all the time?

Ruby: …Uncle Sam.

Ginger: No. Guess again.

Ruby: Homestar Runner.

Ginger: …not who I was thinking of when I posed the question, but yes. But Guess Again.

Ruby: Papa Smurf.

Ginger: …you’re not playing along.

Ruby: Not really. What was your first clue?

Ginger: Why won’t you admit Captain America is stalking me?

Ruby: Because it’s the other way around, Ginger.

Ginger: I don’t think that’s true.

Ruby: Really? Okay. It started with that cutout. You saw that it freaked your sister-in-law out, so you started staging it all over the house until your brother got rid of it – but not until AFTER you took a picture of it. Then you started buying Captain America toys and strategically placing them in your sister-in-law’s bedroom, bathroom cupboards, freezer…

Ginger: Well, he was frozen for 50 years or so. Maybe now he finds it restful…

Ruby: My point is, you’re out there LOOKING for Captain America. Everywhere. So that you can let your sister-in-law know she’s loved and accepted by the family.

Ginger: …so the fact my closet is full of Captain America toys?

Ruby: Those are for future attempts to disrupt your sister-in-law’s sanity.

Ginger: …I guess that makes sense.

Ruby: Can I have a popsicle now?

Ginger: Do you just know all the characters who dress only in red, white and blue?

Ruby: I knew this day would come. I’ve met you.

Ginger: True.

Tragedies and Presents

Ruby: Ginger, I don’t care how much you cry. I’m still not acknowledging a lack of ice cream as a full-blown tragedy.

Ginger: But my freezer is NEVER without ice cream, Ruby! This is the most devastating thing that has happened to me in the past five minutes!

Ruby: I appreciate the fact you’re honest.

Ginger: Well, my mother taught me to be reasonable in little things.

Ruby: That didn’t carry over into the rest of your life?

Ginger: …why would it?

Ruby: No reason. Carry on. Or…actually…don’t…

Ginger: I forgot what we were talking about anyway.

Ruby: Oh, good. Hmm…

Ginger: What is it?

Ruby: This? This is my credit card bill.

Ginger: Oh. They bill you for credit cards?
Ruby: Only when you use them.

Ginger: Oh. What if someone borrowed your credit card to buy something for you?

Ruby: My credit card bill is suddenly making a little bit more sense…

Ginger: Look, you can’t be too mad. It’s a present for you.

Ruby: What is this present, Ginger?

Ginger: Why would you think I know anything about a present for you, Ruby?

Ruby: Probably because you brought it up, Ginger.

Ginger: Maybe I was speaking hypothetically, Ruby.

Ruby: You don’t know how to speak hypothetically, Ginger. You’ve proven that multiple times in the past.

Ginger: Maybe I took lessons, Ruby. Maybe that’s a gift we can all appreciate.

Ruby: I promise I won’t be mad.

Ginger: Ever? That’s a big promise.

Ruby: Just tell me what you bought.

Ginger: Today?

Ruby: Ginger…

Ginger: Okay, first of all? It was not actually my idea.

Ruby: Ginger…

Ginger: It wasn’t my idea!

Fly: Hey, I’m home…what’s…going on?

Ruby: Take a look at our credit card bill.

Fly: …you said you could get to the mail before her.

Ginger: You said you’d remind me because I …don’t remember how you got to it, but somehow over caffeinated squirrels were brought into the conversation.

Ruby: Wait, what?

Ginger: Not literally. He was speaking metaphorically. Or in similes. I don’t remember the exact words he used.

Ruby: No, what is going on?

Fly: I bought you a present.

Ginger: But I got to help!

Fly: I needed Ginger to help pick out the right one.

Ruby: Oh…

Fly: She said she could catch the credit card bill before you opened it so I could pay it before you saw it.

Ruby: Yeah…she agrees to a lot of things when she’s not paying attention.

Ginger: I can do that. No problem. …wait, what?

Fly: That sounds familiar.

Ruby: I hear it a lot, too.

Fly: Your present won’t be here for another few days…

Ginger: I have the tracking number, though. I texted it to you just now when you two were talking.

Ruby: HOORAY! TRACKING NUMBERS!
Fly: Wow, you weren’t kidding…

Ginger: I told you stalking her mail is one of her favorite pastimes.

Ruby: Oooh..it left Michigan yesterday morning at 7:24 AM….

Fly: Did you discuss dinner?

Ginger: No. But we did discuss dessert…which…AUGH! RUBY! I FORGOT TO BUY ICE CREAM!!!! THIS IS A TRAGEDY!!!!

Not Enough Post-Its

Ginger: Oh, good! You’re home!

Ruby: Ginger, what is this?

Ginger: I wasn’t sure if you were home yet, so I was debating leaving the box of cookies in your mailbox.

Ruby: My mailbox is too small for this box of cookies…

Ginger: I saw that, so I was going to leave it on your doorstep instead, but then I was worried someone might be walking by and want the cookies.

Ruby: …so you put a Post-It on the box that says “Don’t Steal These Cookies”?

Ginger: Yeah.

Ruby: Did you think the Post-It was going to be a good deterrent?

Ginger: Yes. It worked when my coworker left a DVD he borrowed on the desk.

Ruby: Your coworker left a DVD with a Post-It that said “Don’t Steal These Cookies” on your desk?

Ginger: No, it just said “Don’t Steal.” I was at lunch and told him I’d stop by to pick up the DVD on my way back. But he had a meeting and was worried I’d kill him if someone else picked up the DVD while he was away.

Ruby: So this is your new theory? You can just leave things out with a Post-It that says “Don’t Steal” and that will…work?

Ginger: We could try it with your car…?

Ruby: I don’t want to try it with my car.

Ginger: Look, the thing is, it works in its simplicity. Just put a Post-It that says “Don’t Steal” on something and people will have to do what the Post-It says.

Ruby: What if they take the Post-It off?

Ginger: We’ll put a Post-It that says “Don’t Remove Post-It” on the Post-It that says “Don’t Steal.” This is really where the world has gone wrong. There just weren’t enough Post-Its on the things that needed to be not stolen.

Ruby: We’re still not putting a Post-It on my car.

Ginger: But no one will steal it if we do.

Ruby: I have one more question before we get back to why I’m not putting a Post-It on my car.

Ginger: Why did I bring you a shoebox full of cookies?

Ruby: Why DID you bring a shoebox full of cookies?

Ginger: I had insomnia last night, so I made cookies at one in the morning.

Ruby: This is a SHOEBOX full of cookies.

Ginger: There are more where that came from.

Ruby: …are they edible?

Ginger: I…sincerely doubt it. I had to make some substitutions to the recipe.

Ruby: Such as?

Ginger: I didn’t have vanilla extract, so I melted some vanilla ice cream.

Ruby: I have a Post-It for you. You’ll need to put it on your cookbook when  you get home tonight.

Ginger: Does it say “Don’t Steal?”

Ruby: No. It says “Don’t Use Unsupervised.”

Ginger: Yeah…it should probably go on my pots and pans cabinet, too.

Ruby: I’ll make extras.

Dinner Is Hard.

Fly: Any thoughts on what we could have for dinner?

Ruby: So many.

Fly: Are they feasible ideas?

Ruby: Less many.

Fly: For example…?

Ruby: If I make hard boiled eggs, would you be okay with a Cobb-like salad?

Fly: Do we have lettuce?

Ruby: Yup!

Fly: What about tomato? Bacon? Avocado?

Ruby: No, no and no.

Fly: So, lettuce and eggs for dinner?

Ruby: We have turkey lunch meat. And pecans.

Fly: Let me check on this… Ah. Wikipedia says the ingredients of a Cobb salad are EAT COBB: egg, avocado, tomato, chicken, onion, bacon and blue cheese.

Ruby: I did say “Cobb-like.”

So…So Proud.

Ruby: Ginger, I’m very proud of you.

Ginger: Because I ate a salad for lunch? That’s nothing. Wait til you hear what I’m eating for dinner tonight.

Ruby: No, that’s not why I’m very proud of you.

Ginger: Are you proud because I watched an entire season of a TV show in three days and didn’t tell you to watch it? I don’t always tell you about my TV shows, Ruby.

Ruby: …no. That’s also not why I’m very proud of you.

Ginger: Was it because I made my bed this morning? I do that every morning. It’s not that big a deal, Ruby.

Ruby: No, Ginger. That’s not it, either.

Ginger: Well, I’m getting stumped here. I paid my bills, I fed the fish, I organized the back closet, I swept the floors, I re-organized my movie collection… What, exactly, made you very proud of me?

Ruby: You managed to kill the spider without naming it.

Ginger: …well, he clearly wasn’t the kind of spider who would abide by my house rules.

Ruby: Clearly.

Ginger: You have weird moments of pride.

Ruby: What are you eating for dinner tonight?

Ginger: I bought a bag of marshmallows and some coffee flavored ice cream.

Ruby: …please stay for dinner tonight.

Ginger: Why?

Ruby: So both of our mothers will be proud of your dinner.

Ginger: Okay, but I have to warn you – my mother rarely asks what I eat for dinner, so she probably won’t know to be proud.

Ruby: I’ll text her a picture.

Ginger: That could work…

Details, De Tales

Ruby: What on earth are you doing?

Ginger: I don’t want to get into details, but when I woke up this morning, I realized my dream was almost an exact adaptation of this novel you lent me once, but I couldn’t remember the title, only the cover of the book, so while I was making my coffee and choosing my outfit for the day, I decided I could just stop by and find the cover on my way into work, but then my train got delayed because there was a sick passenger on the train in front of mine, so I had to get on the bus and transfer to a second bus before I could get here and by then you had left for work but Fly said I could look for the novel and lock up when I left so I started looking for the novel but I saw your books were not organized by color of the book spine, so I called in sick to work so I could really fix your book organization but then I realized I hadn’t had breakfast and while I made toast I saw your  eggs had passed the expiration date, but I didn’t want to just throw them out, so I looked up a way to tell if eggs have expired on the internet and it involved a bowl of cold water but then I didn’t know if that was a real way or an Internet lie, so I tried looking that up and then the toast was burning so I needed to dump the water on the toaster but I didn’t remember to take the eggs out first even though I remembered to unplug the toaster and then I saw your eggs haven’t expired but now I had wet black toast and a partly fried egg and all your books stacked on the table so I couldn’t really sit there to eat so I went to eat by your TV and knew I would get distracted so I tried sitting backwards on the couch but then there were crumbs and I had to find your vacuum so you wouldn’t know I had eaten backwards on your couch but then I saw you had a box of puzzles and I was really intrigued by the puzzle with the mystery involved so I tried to put that together and before long I saw what time it was and I hadn’t eaten lunch yet so I went to the kitchen but it still had my dishes from breakfast and I knew I should clean up and I looked for dish soap but I saw the geraniums instead and I wanted to water them and then I tripped over the vacuum and spilled the water on the rug so I had to get a towel but your dryer had shirts in there and I thought I could at least fold some shirts for you before I go home and then I figured as long as I was folding shirts I could watch some TV and then……..you came home.

Ruby: ………..so, basically, you had a hard day.

Ginger: I think that is an accurate description. But way shorter.