C2E2 Special Edition

Many thanks and appreciation to Mr. Zachary Levi for previewing/approving this post. It was lovely meeting you. 

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Ginger: There he is! Chuck! CHUCK!

Ruby: His name is Zachary Levi, Ginger.

Ginger: But then everyone will know it’s HIM and he’ll get mobbed!

Ruby: You’re standing in his autograph line at a convention.

Ginger: You’re getting to a point soon, right?

Zachary Levi: Hi. I’m Za—

Ginger: Hi…Chuck…

Zachary Levi: Ah, yes. First season DVD. To Ginger, right? That’s you?

Ruby: She’ll snap out of this soon. You should have seen her around Nathan Fillion.

Ginger: …tall…

Zachary Levi: …okay…so, I’ll just…sign then?

Ruby: Thank you. Ginger, the line is long. C’mon, we have to go.

Ginger: …nice…

Zachary Levi: It was nice meeting you…

Ruby: Thank him for his time, Ginger.

Ginger: …I love you…

Ruby: That’s not…awkward at all… Awesome. Read the room, Ginger.

Ginger: The room says Restrooms This Way, Ruby!

Green Thumb-Challenged

Ginger: Okay, seriously. How did you do it?

Ruby: Do what?

Ginger: Ha, ha. I get it. You’re clever. But now…how?

Ruby: Ginger, I’m just as confused as I sound. What are you talking about?

Ginger: My plant. Vernacula the Fifth.

Ruby: Did you name your plant “Vernacula the Fifth,” or is this the fifth attempt to have a plant named “Vernacula”?

Ginger: Vernacula is the sixth attempt to keep a plant alive in my home. I couldn’t name the bamboo “Vernacula.” He was named Yangtze because I couldn’t pronounce “green” in Chinese.

Ruby: Of course.

Ginger: Getting back on topic, now, how did you do it?

Ruby: I still don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ginger: Vernacula the Fifth has bloomed. There are tiny flower buds in Vernacula’s leaves.

Ruby: Oh, hey! That’s great!

Ginger: Yeah, except we both know you snuck in last night and replaced Vernacula the Fifth with what is clearly Vernacula the Imposter.

Ruby: No, I didn’t.

Ginger: Fine. You sent Fly to do it. Still. How did you do it?

Ruby: Ginger, we didn’t replace your plant that usually dies within a month and then sits on your kitchen counter mere inches from the sink until it is nothing more than a dry, withered, yellowish crinkly paper-like substance in a flowerpot that says “Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

Ginger: …then how do you explain the tiny flowers??

Ruby: You either found a plant that fought back against your tyranny or you’ve been feeding the plant drops of your blood and will soon start having conversations regarding your quality of life if you feed the plant an entire human being.

Ginger: Or Elle replaced it.

Ruby: Please, whatever it offers you, Ginger, don’t feed the plant.

Ginger: But if I do, then all my dreams of having a guest spot on the Jack Paar show will come true!

Ruby: Ginger…. No.

This Is Why She Shouldn’t Contribute

Ginger: I feel bad you always make dinner for me… I feel like I should contribute once or twice a year…

Ruby: You contribute to Thanksgiving with your family every year. I feel that qualifies as contributing to Thanksgiving in my home, as well.

Ginger: But I can make dinner sometime…how about tonight?

Ruby: Um…what will you “cook” for me and Fly?

Ginger: I have some skills…

Ruby: Really? Because, last I checked, you didn’t know why your oven didn’t have an on-switch.

Ginger: I just decided. It’s Hot Dog Wednesday!

Ruby: …I don’t think that’s a thing.

Ginger: It could be if you’d let it happen.

Ruby: Why Wednesday?

Ginger: Hot Dog Tuesday just sounds like you’re trying too hard.

Ruby: But shouldn’t it be alliterative? Like, I don’t know, Wonton Soup Wednesday?

Ginger: I don’t like wonton soup.

Ruby: Some people do.

Ginger: That’s nice for those people.

Ruby: Maybe some people don’t like hot dogs.

Ginger: Well, fine, Ruby. How about…‘Wurst Wednesday? You can have any ‘wurst you want. Bratwurst, liverwurst…hot dog-wurst…

Ruby: No, ‘Wurst Wednesday sounds too much like WORST Wednesday. And you made it about hot dogs again.

Ginger: Name another food that begins with a W.

Ruby: Welsh Rarebit.

Ginger: Too complicated.

Ruby: White clam chowder.

Ginger: I…doubt I could make that.

Ruby: Wild rice medley.

Ginger: Does it come in a box?

Ruby: Wheat thins and cheese?

Ginger: That sounds like part of Wine Wednesday.

Ruby: Wine Wednesday could be a thing…

Ginger: Great! It’s Wine Wednesday. Bring some Wheat Thins and cheese. I’ll make hot dogs!

Ruby: Where does the wine come from? Me or you?

Ginger: I could whine…

Ruby: I’ll bring something. I promise.

Ginger: I think I can make the wild rice medley…

Ruby: Really?

Ginger: Yeah – I just found it in a box with instructions!

Ruby: …how old is that box?

Ginger: I dunno. My mom probably gave it to me the day I moved out. Rice doesn’t go bad, does it?

Ruby: I will bring Wheat Thins. Please do not make that rice.

Ginger: Does rice normally make scratching noises from inside the box?


Life Must Be Hard For A Polyglot

Ruby: Hi, Ginger.

Ginger: How did you know it’s me? I’m not calling from one of my regular phones…

Ruby: Things were quiet and I was getting things done. And then the phone rang.

Ginger: That sounds about right.

Ruby: So, what’s up?

Ginger: I’m waiting for a meeting to start, but no one else is in the conference room with me, so I called you.

Ruby: Shouldn’t you call the meeting organizer?

Ginger: …why? Then the meeting might take place.

Ruby: Solid point. Hey, as long as I have you, were you messing with my phone yesterday?

Ginger: You never let me play on your phone since I started adding things to your calendar a year ago.

Ruby: I know. I’m still getting reminders to bake you a cake for Unofficial Save The Baby Llamas Day. I don’t even know what we’re saving them from…

Ginger: That’s why it’s unofficial. When we know, it will become official.

Ruby: ………moving on. What did you do to my phone? It’s tagging my location on every photo as Southern France.

Ginger: Ruby, I’m not supposed to dial international phone numbers from the office. If you’re in France, you should tell me.

Ruby: I’m NOT in France. My phone is just insisting I am.

Ginger: Does this mean I have to get my passport to have dinner with you tonight? I’m going to have to rush up on my French…

Ruby: No, Ginger…

Ginger: ‘Parlay’ is French, right?

Ruby: I don’t think you have the right ‘parlay.’

Ginger: I can’t remember, is coffee ‘cafe,’ ‘kaffe,’ or ‘kohewa’?

Ruby: Why would you need to know that? I have never served you coffee for dinner.

Ginger: But if I’m coming to France for dinner tonight, I should probably stay the night and then I’ll need kopi…or kahvi or…kape…..

Ruby: It frightens me that you know “coffee” in so many languages, yet cannot pronounce “caution” without a pregnant pause.

Ginger: The “T” always confuses me.

Ruby: Shouldn’t you be attending a meeting?

Ginger: Probably. But you moved to France. This is a big deal. I can skip a meeting for this.

Ruby: I moved overnight. I’m pretty sure I’ll move back tonight before dinner.

Ginger: Because the Eiffel Tower isn’t what you hoped it would be?

Ruby: ………obviously.

Oh, There You Are, Ruby!

Ruby: Where have you been?

Ginger: Why do you always assume there’s an answer to that question that will result in your curiosity concluding happily?

Ruby: I don’t know. But I always feel compelled to ask.

Ginger: What was your first guess?

Ruby: In order? You were trapped in a Netflix binge watch. You slipped and fell into a wormhole. You went on a spontaneous vacation. You were captured by pirates. You were abducted by aliens. You gave yourself food poisoning and couldn’t move from the floor. Your pizza delivery man proposed to you and you decided you had to go into the Witness Protection Program to avoid him. You were recruited for a secret mission in uncharted space. You were discovered singing in a karaoke bar and signed on the spot to join a new band. You succeeded in luring Nathan Fillion to your home long enough to watch Firefly with him and then the two of you continued talking about it and forgot to come up for air. You gave up, quit your job and moved to a chicken farm in Tennessee. You got the nerve to publish that novel you’ve been writing for the past five years and got caught up in the whirlwind of publishing contracts. You decided to do the Road Trip to Forget on your own and never looked back. You discovered the secret to time travel, went too far into the future and saw the destruction of man and couldn’t return for fear you would never be believed. You gave up contacting me for Lent. Starbucks offered to just let you sleep in the back room so you’d stop scaring the public in your under-caffeinated state of confusion. You were chased by a rogue ladybug into a stranger’s van. You fell into the Upside-Down. You were shrunk by a mad scientist’s shrink ray and living in my kitchen the whole time. You joined a circus so you could get a free ride to the Grand Canyon.

Ginger: …this is probably why Fly says I’m a bad influence on you.

Ruby: Probably. So? Which one was it?

Ginger: …one of those. I think. There were a lot and I lost track somewhere around pirates…

Ruby: But you’re back now?

Ginger: …so far. Can we get some dinner?

Ruby: Yes. What would you like?

Ginger: Anything, really. Except pizza.

Ginger Blaze, You Have Failed This Binge-Watch.

Ginger: A-ha!

Fly: We should really tell her that’s not the same as ringing a doorbell.

Ruby: It’s more like a customized ringtone. We always know who’s there.

Fly: True.

Ginger: I said “A-ha!”

Ruby: Ginger, what a lovely surprise. Won’t you come in and have some breakfast with us?

Fly: Don’t let her eat all the bacon again.

Ginger: There’s bacon?

Ruby: …Ginger, why is there a band-aid on your forehead?

Ginger: I told the arrow to go forward, but it didn’t want to listen and then the bow attacked me, as well. I’m so done with that  hobby.

Fly: And you were worried about introducing her to the Hunger Games series. I can’t imagine why.

Ginger: Oh, I still haven’t started that one yet.

Ruby: I forgot to warn Fly. Sorry. Fly, Ginger’s brothers told her to watch Arrow.

Fly: Were they concerned she wasn’t enough of a nerd? Or were they planning on splitting her life insurance policy when…this…happened?

Ginger: I think they just wanted me to re-write some of the script for them. There are a lot of opportunities in the show.

Ruby: So, where did you get the bow and arrow?

Ginger: Nerf sells them.

Fly: …you did that to yourself with a foam arrow?

Ruby: She has talent.

Ginger: I took archery in junior high. I was terrible. I thought I should start…softer…this time.

Ruby: Where is the set now?

Fly: We’re not taking it away from you…we’re just…

Ruby: Taking it away from you. For your own safety.

Ginger: I gave it back to my niece. But only after she stopped laughing at me.

Ruby: Well…that’s what family is for. Comfort in times of humiliating pain.

Fly: So, out of morbid curiosity, why did you announce your presence with “A-ha”?

Ginger: Because I found Ruby. We have to finish!

Fly: Finish what?

Ruby: I forgot to warn you. When Ginger told me what show her brothers insist she should watch next, I made the insane declaration she could not watch it alone.

Ginger: She’s psychic.

Fly: She knew you’d try to become a crime-fighting vigilante with a bow and arrow?

Ginger: YES.

Fly: …yes. She’s psychic.

Ruby: Anyway, I assumed – obviously incorrectly – that if I was present for every episode she watches, it would slow down the binge and possibly delay the attempt to become a crime-fighting vigilante with a bow and arrow and injure herself in the meantime.

Fly: So…your psychic powers have failed this time.

Ruby: Not entirely. Just…neglected to include the possibility Ginger’s niece is a budding archer.

Ginger: So, A-ha! I found you here! Let’s watch the next episode!

Ruby: …but…there’s bacon.

Fly: Not anymore.

Ginger: There’s no escaping this!

Ruby: Fly, you have failed this rescue.

Revenge Can Be Funny

Ginger: Ruby, is that you?

Ruby: Yes, Ginger.

Ginger: Please don’t do that to me again.

Ruby: It was kind of funny…

Ginger: I spent two hours asking a stop sign to stop giving me the silent treatment.

Ruby: Which was funny, even though it was three minutes, not two hours.

Ginger: I’m mostly blind right now. I can’t check my watch.

Ruby: You don’t wear a watch. And you use hyperbole like that all the time.

Ginger: Only when it’s required. Which is all the time.

Ruby: Which is why I leave you by stop signs for a few minutes.

Ginger: This is not what friends do when one friend is recently blinded by an eye doctor.

Ruby: The last time I asked you to help me get home after an eye doctor appointment,  you took me to a horror movie because you knew I didn’t want to see it and you couldn’t see it alone.

Ginger: …I have to say, I never thought you’d retaliate.

Ruby: Even though I vowed vengeance during what I assumed was the end credits?

Ginger: Yeah. I thought you’d forget once the eye dilation wore off.

Ruby: …it really has been a long time since you went to the eye doctor, hasn’t it?

Ginger: That’s what the eye doctor kept saying.

Ruby: How are your eyes doing? Still dilated?

Ginger: Depends…are you planning on leaving me by another stop sign?

Ruby: Nope. Not at all.

Ginger: …your poker-voice needs work.

Stop Sign: …