Coffee and Cream, Home and Away…

Ruby: Ginger, what are you doing?

Ginger: O friends gather near, to my tale lend your ears…

Ruby: Put down the guitar, Ginger. You don’t know how to play it.

Ginger: Such a tale of woe brings to eyes many tears…

Ruby: I am so glad we’re not in public right now.

Ginger: This ballad that I sing, tis dreadful to spring…

Ruby: Seriously. Just…stop.

Ginger: This tragedy of dreamers…

Ruby: I’m taking away your rhyme scheme.

Ginger: Tear down the streamers…

Ruby: I’m never telling you anything ever again.

Ginger: Tis Ruby of the Forgotten Creamers.

Ruby: I’m…not listening.

Ginger: What rhymes with absent-minded?

Ruby: Look, Ginger. A chicken. With a halberd.

Ginger: My coffee is black, Ruby. Black. No cream. At all. Halberd-bearing chickens will not make this better.

Ruby: Singing a spontaneous ballad will?

Ginger: You’ll find yourself humming it every time you go to the grocery store now. And you’ll remember.

Ruby: I will give you $10 if you can remember the melody you just made up.

Ginger: I…um…I just don’t feel like taking your money.

Ruby: Yeah. Sure.

Ginger: You are so lucky that Fly isn’t here.

Ruby: Yes. Because he would have helped you write the melody, a harmony and more lyrics.

Ginger: I really just needed help with the lyrics…

Ruby: I noticed.

Ginger: Like an absent-minded chicken, Ruby walked on by the… Hey, is there a creamer brand name that rhymes with “chicken”?

Ruby: I hope you realize that I’m not taking you to the grocery store until you’ve moved on.

Ginger: But my coffee, Ruby. It’s all…coffee-like. Without the creamer.

Ruby: Some people drink coffee black.

Ginger: I am not some people.

Ruby: Clearly.

Ginger: Does Dunkin Donuts deliver?

Ruby: There’s milk in the fridge. Put some milk in there and add some sugar.

Ginger: …I’m not in Australia. I only drink coffee like that in Australia.

Ruby: Pretend.

Ginger: Will you talk about Home & Away until my coffee is done?

Ruby: I don’t know what that is.

Ginger: It’s an Australian evening soap…just make up character names and crazy over-dramatic plots and I’ll try to drink fast.

Ruby: Okay. Fine. In the last episode…Mick…and…Sheila…had a picnic on the beach…and…Mick admitted he’s really…a woman.

Ginger: Did Alf know?

Ruby: Alf? The little brown alien from the 80’s?

Ginger: No, no, Alf’s a regular character. He owns a tuck shop near the beach – all the kids hang out there after school and I think he’s the longest running character on the show.

Ruby: Sure, Alf knew. Are you done now?

Ginger: No. Keep going.

Ruby: Yes. Alf knew. About Mick being a woman. Because Alf is…the father of Mick’s baby.

Ginger: No!

Ruby: Yes. Are you done now?

Ginger: No. Keep going. What did Siobhan do about it?

Ruby: Is that Alf’s wife?

Ginger: I don’t know. I just made up a name.

Ruby: Siobhan was upset. Obviously. So she left the picnic to think about how to respond.

Ginger: I thought Sheila was at the picnic.

Ruby: …so did Mick. But it was really Sheila’s evil twin, Siobhan, trying to drive a wedge between Mick and Sheila.

Ginger: You could totally write for this show.

Ruby: Drink your Australian coffee.

Ginger: I finished that ages ago.

Ruby: When?

Ginger: Right around the time I told you what Home & Away is. Keep going – this is fun!

Ruby: You have so many issues…

Ginger: What happened next? Did Sheila ever find out about Mick? Will Mick keep the baby? How drunk was Alf when he slept with Mick? Don’t leave me in suspense!


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