Ruby: Hello, this is Ruby.
Quentin: Hey Ruby, it’s Quentin.
Ruby: Oh, hi! I was just emailing you. How’s the program running now?
Quentin: I think I did something wrong. I may have locked myself out of it.
Ruby: You think you locked yourself out or you think the program still has a bug?
Quentin: Either way. Can we run through it on your machine in case I missed something?
Ruby: Sure. I’ll share my screen with you…
Quentin: Thanks.
Ruby: Okay, so I’m going to open it up…with me so far?
Quentin: Yup. So far, we’re on the same page.
*da-bink!*
Ruby: Oh. Whoops, I forgot to disable that. Sorry.
Quentin: Do you need to answer that email?
Ruby: No.
Quentin: Are you sure? It looked kind of important.
Ruby: It’s not.
Quentin: The subject was “Help – My Computer Is On Fire.”
Ruby: I know.
Quentin: You’re sure it’s not important?
Ruby: The sender is insane.
Quentin: Okay.
*da-bink!*
Quentin: Seriously, please open the emails.
Ruby: But, if I do…
Quentin: The subject on that last one was “Why Are You Aiding & Abetting?” so…I need to see just how insane the sender is.
Ruby: You asked for it.
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: Help – My Computer Is On Fire.
I have to take an online training course. Did you know how to resize a worksheet? Because I just learned how!
Quentin: Your friend is a bit behind the times, isn’t she?
Ruby: That’s sarcasm. Here’s the other one.
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: Why Are You Aiding & Abetting?
Seriously. No one learned how to log out of things before this training course? HOW HAS THE INTERNET WORKED AT ALL, EVER?!
Quentin: Ah. That makes sense.
Ruby: Yeah. Okay, so…back to our issue at hand. So we log in, using the super-secret login provided by IT…
Quentin: Yes. Did that.
Ruby: Then we go to the Reports page and –
*da-bink!*
Quentin: Open it.
Ruby: Seriously? We’ll still have to get through this at some point.
Quentin: I have spent the last forty minutes arguing with my computer. I need this now.
Ruby: You should have called sooner.
Quentin: I didn’t want to sound like an idiot. Please open the email.
Ruby: Okay.
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: Ants Are Eating My Pencils
Do you know what a “Tab” is, Ruby? Because I do. Because I took this course and I did not fall asleep in the first ten minutes. It’s not a soda pop. It’s not a key on your keyboard. If you’re very nice to me and you buy me an ice cream, I may tell you what it is. Perhaps. It has to be good ice cream.
Quentin: The subject never has to do with the body of the email.
Ruby: I warned you she’s insane. Okay, so you click on the Reports icon and it will bring up the new window…
Quentin: Or it will shut down my computer, which it did in my case.
Ruby: I should make a note to look into that bug.
*da-bink!*
Quentin: I have to know.
Ruby: You’re only encouraging her.
Quentin: How? You haven’t responded to anything!
Ruby: She just…knows.
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: The Grassy Knoll Was All In Your Mind.
Seriously. Now they’re explaining what a QUEUE is. Not how to ADD to a QUEUE. Not how to MANAGE a QUEUE. Just what it is. SERIOUSLY.
Quentin: I’d feel bad for her, but I get the feeling she’s enjoying sending the emails as much as we are reading them.
Ruby: ‘We?’
Quentin: Tell me you’re not entertained.
Ruby: If I say the words out loud, it gives her power.
*da-bink!*
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: It Wouldn’t Hurt So Much If You Didn’t Poke It.
I just learned what a Due Date is. Which is mind-blowing. Until this very moment, I thought it was a movie starring Iron Man and the Hangover Guy and Django. But now I know. And knowing is half the battle.
Quentin: You’re very lucky to have a friend teach you in the ways of computer systems you’ll never have to use.
Ruby: I know.
*da-bink!*
Quentin: Do it.
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: No One Is Forcing You. Except Me.
“Choosing the Due Within 7 Days option will only show you tasks assigned to you that are due within seven days.”
SOMEONE GOT PAID TO SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE AND IT WASN’T ME. This is what is wrong with the world today.
Quentin: It’s hard to argue with that logic.
Ruby: I know. I’ve tried.
Quentin: She…also types really fast.
Ruby: She is living proof of why a typing teacher should never chart sibling rivalry with gold stars.
Quentin: Why would she take a typing class with a sibling?
Ruby: Why would the teacher offer gold stars to siblings?
*da-bink!*
Quentin: Please?
Ruby: Fine…
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: The Butter Bit Me And Now I Must Dance.
I miss the cheesy training videos with the over-excited narrator and synthesized music. “On the NEXT page, there’s a whole LOT of information! What’s that all about? Gina wishes she could sort all this with the click of a button. Bummer! But wait – WHAT’S KEN DOING?! He’s clicking on the SORT button! WOW! Thanks, Ken!” Dah-doop-dee-doop-doo!
Quentin: She should write scripts for cheesy training videos.
Ruby: Don’t think she hasn’t.
Quentin: In her spare time?
Ruby: Sure. We’ll go with that.
*da-bink!*
Quentin: Catchy subject…
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: My Pudding Ate Bill Cosby
“Gee, Ken, I don’t know if I’ll ever get the hang of this!”
Poor Gina. It’s a good thing Ken understands.
“That’s okay, Gina. I understand. Say, take a look at this! It’s a HELP feature!”
That’s right, At Home Learners! There’s a HELP feature built into this new system!
“Will that HELP me if I get lost, Ken?”
“Well, it sure won’t bake an apple pie, Gina! Hah! I’m just joshing. Of course it will HELP you!”
“Wow, thanks, Ken! That’s really HELP-ful!”
Dah-doop-dee-doop-doo!
Ruby: She must be getting close to the end of the course.
Quentin: You can tell by that?
Ruby: No, I’m just really hoping she’s getting close to the end of the course.
Quentin: Will you be able to tell when she’s done?
Ruby: Yes. She’ll stop emailing and just call me to make sure I read all her emails.
*da-bink!*
Quentin: How long was this course?!
Ruby: Do you want me to ignore the email?
Quentin: No. If she has to sit through it, we can take this journey with her.
Ruby: Yeah…this is your first Online Course With Ginger. Wait until it’s your 20th, then come talk to me.
From: Blaze, Ginger
To: Flash, Ruby
Subject: Superman Just Wants To Cuddle…
We’re learning how to search now. Because apparently, no one has ever done a search in a program in any computer before. Ever. At all. In the history of computers. Before this very moment, I thought I had to dial up JOSHUA and ask him to play a game like ThermoNuclear War or Tic Tac Toe before I could find anything in the computer.
Ruby: Hang on.
From: Flash, Ruby
To: Blaze, Ginger
Subject: RE: Superman Just Wants To Cuddle…
You have lost all privileges to Fly’s Movie Collection for a full week. That is your punishment for distracting me and a co-worker during an online meeting.
Ruby: …and Send. Now, I’m disabling the pop-up notification feature on my inbox.
Quentin: I don’t get to find out how this ends, do I?
Ruby: I…can summarize it for you later.
Quentin: Thank you.
Ruby: So…on that Report function that doesn’t function…
Quentin: Right…
rubyandginger 